


beautiful, but broken

by shes_cured



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: F/F, Future Fic, Lena Luthor Needs a Hug, POV Lena Luthor, SuperCorp, gay angst, honestly I don’t know about this fic so read at your own risk bc it might suck who knows
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-01-16
Updated: 2019-01-31
Packaged: 2019-03-05 19:23:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 86,654
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13394568
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shes_cured/pseuds/shes_cured
Summary: “She was disgusted by everything about herself. And they could try, but Lena was positive that even a psych ward couldn't fix that.”//Fourteen months ago, after dating for three years, Kara walked away from her. There was no other way to put it. She had literally ran away from their relationship faster than the speed of light after Lena said she wanted to get married, and they hadn’t spoken since.When Lena is involved in an attempt to kill Supergirl, her old world re-emerges. She naively thought her plan would be as simple as pleading guilty to attempted murder and getting a life sentence, but neither of the Danvers believe she truly tried to kill National City’s hero. In the end, her interrogation doesn’t lead to being committed to prison, but rather a psych ward.A psych ward AUWarning: the topic of suicide is heavily explored. There aren’t graphic images, just mentions, so if that’s triggering, please don’t read.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> If you’re feeling suicidal, talk about it. Call 1-800-273-8255 for the suicide hotline in the US. Text 741741 to speak to a crisis counselor over text message, or visit suicidepreventionlifeline.org/chat/ to chat online.
> 
> If you live outside the US, you can visit www.suicide.org/international-suicide-hotlines.html to find a hotline for your country.

Lena could do nothing but look around as she was checked into the local county jail for processing. As she looked out of the corner of her eye she saw an all too familiar face that she hadn’t seen in years. Alex’s expression was stoic and agent-like and absolutely impossible to read. It was a mystery as to what she was thinking, but she looked Lena over with an intensity to her that Lena hadn’t seen since they had first met six years ago. 

Her mom was filed in behind her, a smirk on her face. When she saw Alex that smirk only grew, and for the first time in her life, she talked about Lena with motherly pride. “My daughter tried to do excellent work.” 

Lena knew she did excellent work. And she hadn't just tried. She misconfigured her mother’s gun so that when she aimed for Kara with a bullet of kryptonite it would just barely miss Kara. That was her plan and it had worked out perfectly. Her mother aimed, she missed, the DEO was there in a heartbeat thanks to an anonymous call. Lena just had to finish executing the rest now 

When they were separated, Alex followed her, staring at her as she was put behind bars. Even when Lena was in her temporary cell, Alex said nothing, just standing against the wall on the other side and staring. Feeling those eyes on her again made her feel so unbearably uncomfortable. She wanted to squirm and fidget and give a nervous smile just to break the tension, but she was determined to look confident. In order to pull this off, confidence would be essential. 

The next morning, after Alex finally went home and got some rest, she was back again, sitting at a table with her for questioning. Lena was almost positive there had to be someone else from the DEO behind the glass and she wished with everything in her that they were the ones interrogating her. She knew Alex. She cared for Alex. Alex reminded her of Kara and Alex made things personal. 

Still, Alex did nothing, said nothing. She just leaned back in her chair and looked over Lena again, her eyes squinted as they analyzed her. Lena, however, refused to give in. She wouldn’t be the one to talk first. In the end, neither of them had to. 

Kara burst into the room with a determination and fury written all over her face that even Lena had never seen before. Henshaw was behind her with a regretful look as he directed his words at Alex. “I tried to keep her out, but she isn’t going to stop until she talks to her.” 

Alex glanced at Lena, then back at her director. “You think that’s a good idea?” 

“I don’t think I have a say,” he replied wryly, looking over to Kara who was too zoned in on Lena to notice. 

Now _that_ got Lena talking real quick, her tone brisk and mixed with bitterness. “I don’t want to talk to Supergirl, thank you for the offer.” 

Messing with the angry version of Kara wasn’t her smartest move. Kara ushered Alex out of the room, slamming the door so hard that for a moment she thought it was going to break off its hinges. That left the two of them alone as Kara turned around with rage. 

“What the hell did you do?” she nearly growled, clutching the side of the table with her hands as she leaned her weight onto it, her finger tips causing indents. 

Lena looked away as she kept her emotionless demeanor. “I helped devise a plan to kill you.” 

“The bullet missed.” 

She fake grimaced. “A simple miscalculation on my part, I guess.” 

“You don’t _have_ miscalculations,” Kara’s eyes narrowed as she leaned in closer, practically hovering over Lena with a vengeance that Lena honestly didn’t want to mess with. 

“You don’t know what I have anymore, do you?” Lena shot back, deciding to take the low blow. 

It didn’t phase her ex-girlfriend in the least. “I know when you’re lying.” 

“I’m not lying,” Lena continued to lie to her with all the confidence in the world, because she was doing the right thing. She was ending this for all of them. “I don’t believe you’re part of law enforcement, however, so if you could get my questioning on the road that would be great. I’d like to go back to my cell.” 

“Your-“ Kara cut herself off and scoffed at the word. “You don’t belong here!” 

“I tried to kill you,” Lena continued her confession. “I helped my mother build a gun that could emit bullets at speeds faster than light and gave it to her to kill you.” 

“And yet here I am, unscathed and not believing you in the least.” 

Lena pursed her lips, because this was not part of her plan. Kara believing she was innocent was never part of the plan. “Miscalculation.” 

“I bet,” she nodded with no thread of trust in the story being displayed. “Why are you confessing to something you didn’t do?” 

“I did do this. My fingerprints are on the gun alongside my mother’s. I was at the crime scene. I have the blueprints in the bottom drawer of the desk in my office,” she continued coolly, letting out all the information that they needed to make her unarguably guilty. “If you think I didn’t do it with all that evidence, you’re a fool. I can’t help you.” 

“Why aren’t you being honest with me?” Kara demanded. Lena couldn't tell if it was anger or fear she was hearing. “You’re the most transparent, truthful person I know, so what the hell are you doing? Do you realize what’s going to happen if you do this? Just be honest, Lena, you have to!” 

She did realize what would happen. She just didn't care. At least it would be over. 

Lena leaned back against the chair, stretching out the handcuffs that were connect to the table as she faced Kara with her own challenge. “Where did being honest land me, Kara?” 

She had meant for it to come out bitter, but instead she found herself asking the question with raw, genuine pain in her voice. No mind games were needed. She may be lying about her part in trying to kill the girl before her, but the pain in Lena from seeing the only person that ever got her up close was real. 

“You broke up with me for being honest,” she reminded them both. 

Kara forcefully shook her head. “We both know that had nothing to do with you and everything to do with me.” 

“I said I wanted to marry you and you ran,” Lena recalled the singlehandedly most humiliating isolation in her life. “You ran as fast as you possibly could.” 

“I'm not talking about this,” Kara told her, puffing out her chest in a way that Lena knew reminded her she was invincible enough to be Supergirl. She was invincible enough to not need Lena the way Lena desperately needed her. “That's history.” 

“Yeah, we are, aren't we?” Lena couldn't help but sneer despite the pain, taking another low blow. “I could be anyone for all you know. Even a spiteful ex-girlfriend who wants you dead.” 

“I don't think you did it – no, not even that. I _know_ you didn't do it,” Kara announced profoundly, ignoring the argument of why Kara no longer knew a single damn thing about what Lena was like nowadays. “You’re acting all strong and mighty, but I see you. I see who you were, I see who you are. A murderer isn’t one of them. You wouldn’t kill me.” 

“You're the one person I have the most motive to kill,” Lena said icily. “If you’re too blind to see that, who am I to judge?” 

“You don't have it in you,” Kara continued to proclaim. “You're good, Lena.” 

“You've clearly misjudged me. Unless good people try to kill their exes.” 

“What are you doing?” Kara roared throughout the room, her voice yelling with frustration and a now unmissable amount of fear. “I don't know what crazy plan of yours this is now, but you're going to go to jail. Do you understand that?” 

“Do the crime, serve the time,” Lena sat back in her chair again, her handcuffs dragging across the table in the process. She didn't allow herself to look at Kara with anything other than defiance. 

Her ex-girlfriend just stared, her nostrils flaring from the rage that was boiling within her. Her words came out slow and steady and so, so angry - but the anger wasn't with Lena. “What is your mom bribing you with?” 

“My mom simply showed me that aliens have no place here,” Lena closed her eyes momentarily, gathering everything it took to be cold hearted enough to say what came next, what would hurt Kara more than ever. Her desperation to be believed was more important, though. If this plan worked, they'd all be freed from CADMUS. If not, it was back to square one. “You have no place on this planet.” 

Kara crossed her arms, not fazed in the slightest and glaring so hard that Lena was sure heat was about to pour out. “You wouldn't be trying so hard to insult me unless you wanted me to leave.” 

“I do want you to leave, but I'm telling you nothing but the truth,” Lena lifted her chin with poise. “Is my questioning from Supergirl over yet?” 

“Lena.” 

“I'll take that as a yes. Send in your sister, then.” 

  
/////  


When Alex Danvers came in Lena instantly regretted kicking Kara out. Sure, Kara made her nervous, whatever, it was pathetic, but Alex outright terrified her. Kara was too polite to ever truly break through to her, but Kara's sister wasn't afraid to take just as many unfair jabs as Lena had taken to Kara a half hour ago. 

“Agent Danvers, it's a pleasure,” Lena mumbled when Alex sat down and once again began her staring act of saying nothing. “Are you ever going to ask any questions? I think you're failing at the interrogation part of your job and I'd like to be done here, if you don't mind. I’m getting a bit hungry.” 

“Kara thinks you’re innocent,” she said sharply, her eyes cold and hard. 

“Well, you and I both know that Kara has a lot of optimism in her.” 

“I think you’re innocent too.” 

Lena wasn’t expecting that one. She wasn’t expecting those words from Alex, the girl it had taken literal _years_ to trust that Lena wasn’t plotting to kill her sister. Now, she was accused of plotting a first degree murder against said sister and Alex Danvers was proclaiming she wasn’t guilty. Go fucking figure _now_ would be the only time Alex didn't feel the need to be the overprotective sister. Of course. Just Lena's luck. 

“You’re letting your mother drag you down, but why? Because you’ve given up on yourself?” 

“Ah, here's the interrogation,” Lena sat back with a dry smile. “Continue speculating.” 

“I don't want to speculate,” she changed tactics and let out a tired sigh. “Lena, what the hell are you doing? Just cut to the chase and tell me.” 

“I tried to kill her, okay?” Lena softened. “I know you're ashamed–” 

“I'm not ashamed because not a bone in my body believes you right now,” she fought, her voice remaining calm as ever. “Would it make a difference if I said Kara wasn't watching?” 

Lena glanced to the two way mirror before she looked down, taking a deep breath at hearing the name she tried to avoid. She'd heard it more today than she had in the past year. She didn't account for the pain that would cause, she hadn't braced herself for that. 

“Not a bone in my body would believe you right now.” 

“What's going on?” Alex begged her to open up. Her eyes looked so worried that Lena almost obliged. “Let me help you.” 

Worried eyes still weren't quite enough. “The gun malfunctioned.” 

Alex opened the folder she brought in, sliding a blueprint to Lena’s side of the table. “Is this yours?” 

She looked at the design of the gun, then looked back at Alex with what she hoped was a coolness. “Yes.” 

“Funny how this _almost_ matches the gun used, but not exactly,” Alex accused. “You're not the almost type.” 

“I could be anyone these days, you haven't spoken to me in over a year.” 

“You loved her,” Alex spoke the truth. “I think you still do love her. And I think you're stupidly confessing to a crime you didn't commit for her, so get talking. Now, Lena.” 

“It's sad that you don't recognize a lost cause when you see one. I’ve said all I need to say.” 

Alex hardened at that, her jaw tightening. “Why won't you tell me the truth?” 

“I am,” Lena shrugged. “Just because you don't like it doesn't make it untrue.” 

“She wouldn't marry you because she wanted to protect you from doing something stupid or putting yourself in danger,” Alex told her the reasoning for the first time as Lena looked down. Here wasn't the place to rehash the past. “See this? Something stupid.” 

“I guess I didn't need her in order to be stupid then,” Lena put on the fakest smile of her life. “I'm sorry I tried to kill her. Can we be done? I'm pleading guilty, so there's no more questioning needed.” 

“I will sit here all night until you tell me what they have on you,” Alex told her with a voice that was filled with an insurmountable amount of protection. It felt foreign to feel protected these days. She was expecting insults and glares and betrayed looks. She wouldn't have expected this if God himself had warned her. She briefly got choked up at what the memories of being cared for felt like. Just as quickly she shook them away. 

“They have nothing on me. I'm just a psychotic ex-girlfriend. That's my statement.” 

“Bull. Shit.” Alex snarled. “What's going on? I'm running out of patience.” 

“Nothing,” Lena repeated. “Alex, I don't know what to tell you. I'm sorry we had to run into each other in this fashion, but–” 

A hand slammed down on the blueprint so forcefully that it made Lena jump from surprise. She looked up at Alex who was breathing hard from determination. 

“Winn found a piece in that gun that reset the barrel so that the aim was off. When the bullet was shot the barrel was slightly slanted inside to miss the target. If you really wanted to kill her, that wouldn't be the case,” Alex told her lowly. “Get fucking talking before I–” 

“Too close, Danvers!” J’onn burst in, stopping Alex from flinging herself over the entire table. “You're off the case.” 

“Like hell I am,” she bit back, not tearing her eyes away from Lena. “If you want me out of this room you'll have to drag me.” 

“Danvers–” 

“Me too,” Kara slipped in, focusing on Lena as well. 

“Oh, both of you together, even better,” Lena muttered. 

Kara stepped forward, begging for an answer that Lena wasn't willing to give. “What are you doing? Let us help you. _Please_. Before you do something you'll regret.” 

Lena looked down and pursed her lips, not wanting to continue the conversation. She sat still, refusing to look up. 

“Leave my interrogation room,” Alex ordered them both. 

“I said you're off the case.” 

She looked to J’onn, then Kara, who was quite adamant about where she stood. “I'm not leaving.” 

“I said to leave. _Now_.” 

“I am not–” 

“Leave. I'll calm down, but I'm not done,” Alex told J’onn softly, cutting off Kara in the process. 

J’onn was momentarily conflicted, but to Lena's dismay he gave in with a small nod. “Out of the room, Supergirl. I'll give your sister one last chance to be an agent and not a…” 

The words trailed off, none of them sure what the appropriate label would be. A friend? A family member? A sister-in-law? 

“I'm not leaving unless–” 

“That's an order.” 

Kara was clearly contemplating her options. She narrowed her eyes, crossing her arms over her chest in the process. “I'm only leaving if you guarantee me I can talk to her after Alex is done.” 

“I'm not accepting visitors,” Lena spoke up. “You'll have to come back another time.” 

Kara turned to storm over to Lena's spot in the room but Hank reached out and steered her out of the room instead. “It's a deal. Now _go_.” 

When they were both out of the room, Alex got up again. She sighed, uncuffing Lena and pulling them both to the wall. From there she slid down to sit on what could be a very dirty floor. Lena stayed standing for a moment, promising herself she'd be strong. If she sat on that floor her fight was over. She had spent too many nights sitting against walls with Alex, talking about herself and Kara and everything in both their lives. Alex was Kara's best friend, but somewhere along the way she had become Lena's too, once upon a time, oh, so long ago. 

“C'mon. A session of us is long overdue.” 

Lena still stared warily, but Alex just leaned against the wall and closed her eyes, patting the spot on the floor beside her. 

“Alex, please, let me–” 

“Let’s go, Lena,” she chimed patiently. 

She stared, then gave out a defeated sigh, sliding down the wall in her jumpsuit to sit beside the girl who truly did used to be family to her. The only family outside of Kara herself. 

“What are you doing?” Alex asked softly and exasperatedly while leaving her eyes closed. “I need to know. Please. If not for me, then for Kara. She’s going to go crazy if you don't let us in, we both know that.” 

Lena knew she shouldn't have sat down. That genuine voice was all it took to make her crack. “We all need this to be over.” 

Lena’s eyes were still open, looking straight ahead. She could see Alex look at her from her peripheral vision, but she didn't dare turn to meet her eye. That would be too much. 

“If I plead guilty and I testify, everything I say will be taken ten times more seriously. My mom will be in maximum security, no questions asked. There will be no doubts that she's cold blooded, because I’ll be more than the ungrateful adopted daughter who wants revenge. I’ll be an insider of the crime who’s telling the truth to improve my sentence and everyone will believe me. It will be over, Alex.” 

She shook her head at what Lena thought was a very well thought out plan. “You really are an idiot.” 

“People don't believe I'm a good person as it is, they think this has all been an act. So, let them believe that, okay? I'm fine with it. Let this be over for me. More importantly, let this be over for all of you. Take the out.” 

“You're just as selfless as she is,” Alex let out a deep breath. “You need to trust that we will find a way to put your mother in jail without you. You've done your part, you made a faulty gun that got her caught again. You're finished.” 

“I will go to my death saying I tried to kill her,” Lena spoke out with determination. “I am done with this. With all of this. I need my mom gone as much as you do. I need to move on from Supergirl and from Kara. This is the only guaranteed way to do that, so please, for the love of god, let me.” 

Alex peered to where Lena already knew the two-way mirror was. She held a hand up to her ear. “Sorry, Kara.” 

“You have a comm?” 

“Of course I do, this is a murder investigation against the heroic icon of National City,” Alex rolled her eyes before her expression softened. “But, what I was going to say is, she's still hurting over what happened too, okay? It's not just you. She thought if she married you you’d go to extreme means to protect her and… well, she was probably right.” 

Lena kept staring at the clock on the wall, watching every second tick away instead of meeting Alex’s gaze “Of course she was.” 

“I love my sister, but she's not worth a life sentence in prison.” 

Lena finally closed her eyes, purely to prevent tears from falling down her cheeks. “I'm already serving one. You don't need a prison for a life sentence.” 

“She's an idiot, I know that,” Alex tried another argument. There was a pity in her voice that Lena hated. “It's not your job to out-idiot her. This is the stupidest thing you can do.” 

“I need to, though,” Lena shrugged. “I just need this mess to end. I'd honestly rather be locked up if it means this ends, so, let it happen. Let this end. Okay?” 

“No,” the door swung open. “Not _okay._ Just – no!” 

Kara's face held so many emotions and looked beyond unsure of which feeling she wanted go with. There was hurt. There was pain. There was anger. There was fear. Lena didn't have a word to describe such a jumbled expression. 

“You don't get to decide when this is over. You – this isn't even your fight,” Kara squinted in a semi-glare, semi-guilty look. “This was never your fight to begin with. So, stay out of it. I can handle myself.” 

Lena rolled her eyes at the harsh tone, not ready to back down despite the nerves floating around in her stomach. “I know. I'm not trying to _handle_ you, that's not my place, I'm well aware. But I can do what I want and I don't need your permission to plead guilty.” 

“You _can't_ do what you want,” she hissed, taking a step forward leaving Alex to look between them both nervously as the power struggle escalated. “I – you – you're impossible to persuade, but I will sit here until I do.” 

“If I recall it's been awhile since you've reached out,” Lena told her coolly. “I don't believe you'd know me anymore. I could be quite easy to persuade.” 

“Don't do that,” Kara once again spat words out like venom. “You don't get to belittle me.” 

“I'm not belittling you,” Lena sputtered out, genuinely baffled by the claim. “How is that at all belittling?” 

“We were good,” Kara proclaimed, her words echoing off the walls due to her loud volume. “We were great and I knew you better than anyone, so don't act like you've changed to be cold and bitter, because that's not you! That's never been you, not before, not now, it never will be. At the end of the day, you don't have what it takes to be cold. That's one of the many things I love about you.” 

“I'm gonna… go,” Alex trailed off, getting herself up off the floor as Lena followed her lead and sat on the chair by the table again. The fact that her handcuffs were never replaced didn't go unnoticed. 

“I’m not going back to the past,” she glared at Kara's attempt to pull her there once Alex was gone. “Things aren’t how they were. You made sure of that. You did, not me. So keep it the way you made it.” 

“We never talked about the past.” 

“You never talked to _me_!” Lena all but screamed. “After we broke up that was it. My texts were ignored, my calls and voicemails were useless, there was no talking, Kara. That was your doing.” 

“I was hurting,” she crossed her arms, tears threatening to fall. 

Lena was too mad to care about exposing her feelings. “Yeah, well, so was I. You ended things out of the blue.” 

“You said you wanted to get married!” 

“And you didn't want to marry me!” Lena shouted so loud that she was sure the room next door heard it crystal clear. 

Kara shook her head with force. “That was not the case at all and you know it.” 

“I'm not doing this, but I am doing _this_ ,” Lena gestured to the handcuffs. She shook herself out of the argument Kara was trying to start and brought them back to how she planned to willingly go down with her mother. “You can't stop me.” 

“I will take you to another country and hold you hostage if that's what I need to do to keep you from getting a life sentence,” Kara told her boldly, daring Lena to challenge her. “I wouldn't test that.” 

The scary thing was, Lena knew she actually would if that’s what it came down to. 

“Back off, Kara.” 

“If you think you’ll ever get me to agree to that you’re a moron,” Kara shot out. 

“This is my life and - and I can get arrested if I want to,” Lena stuttered out, admittedly getting worked up at Kara’s persistence. 

When she had devised this plan, she planned for shock and scorn and hate from both the Danvers. This wasn't going smoothly by any means. 

“You sound like a child.” 

“A child?!” Lena’s jaw dropped in disbelief. “ _I_ sound like a child?” 

“Yes.” 

She shook her head with distaste and a scowl. “Just go home, would you? It’s a lost cause and I don't have a need to see you anymore.” 

“You will never be a lost cause,” Kara defended words that were twisted around to what Lena truly meant. “I’m not leaving.” 

“Kara-“ 

“No, I don’t want to hear it!” she yelled before Lena could roll out any more protests. “This is hands down the stupidest thing you’ve come up with to date.” 

“Let me help you,” Lena offered, her voice tender. “Just let me do this.” 

“ _Help_ me?” Lena stared back as Kara's eyes squinted to show the purest pain. “Lena, this would not be _helping_ me. Knowing you feel your life sucks enough to serve a life sentence in prison is bad enough, but if you actually go down? If you really do get plead guilty and get convicted?” Kara put a hand to her mouth for a moment, shaking her head. “Now _that_ would kill me. Because you are the best of the best. I don't want a person like that to be surrounded by criminals the rest of her life. I can't take that.” 

Looking down, Lena slumped in the chair, crossing her arms. She hated how weak her voice came out. “What do you want from me?” 

“I want you to be happy.” 

She tried to stop it, but the bitter laugh poured out. “I'm sure you do.” 

“Lena,” she sighed. “I wanted to marry you. I didn't–” 

“I tried to kill you and that's my story,” she interrupted before Kara could finish. 

“That's your story?” Kara asked with a raised eyebrow and all the challenge in the world. “You sure?” 

“I am.” 

“Well, then, I'm choosing Norway, I think. Or would you rather Finland?” 

“I'm not going with you,” she crossed her arms. “Leave me alone. This isn't your place.” 

“You tried to kill me, so I'm banishing you from the country,” Kara over simplified their monumentally complicated situation. “Sounds like my place to me.” 

“This won't be over for you if you don't go with my plan,” Lena warned. “My mother will outsmart you all every time.” 

“Yeah, well, you won't be in the country to see that, now will you?” Kara matched her warning. “I'm not allowing you to do this.” 

She wanted to scream at the word. “You're not _allowing_ me? I–” she cut herself off from the rant that was about to spew out, shaking her head instead. “Fuck you, Kara.” 

“If I was braver I would've married you,” she brought up the past for the billionth time. “I wouldn't have ran away.” 

“Too bad you aren't braver,” Lena brushed the comment away with a cool voice despite how unnerving the words were to hear. “What does this have to do with anything?” 

“I'm being brave enough to fight for you now,” Kara explained. “I'm not letting you ruin your life. Even if you do foolishly want to.” 

“I'm not ruining my life–” 

“I'm not letting you ruin your life,” she spoke with finality. 

“It's not your choice.” 

“It's Alex’s,” Kara threw out. 

That made a dry laugh escape from Lena's lips. “It's not Alex's choice either, and we both know it.” 

Kara looked over to the two way mirror and Lena wished she had X-ray vision and super hearing too. She wished she knew what the hell Alex was saying. 

“Your sister is smart enough not to ruin my plan. I'm guilty. That's the story I'm going with, whether you like it or not.” 

Kara was suddenly on edge again, her voice becoming so loud that it was foreign. “If you lie to me one more time–” 

“If you don't stop fucking yelling at me–” Lena interrupted with her own voice rising and patience fading. 

“What? What will you do?” Kara sneered. “You don't have the upper hand here.” 

Lena thought it over, then sat back. She took a new approach, slouching over and sounding defeated. “Let me do something that's good. Please. For once, I need this.” 

“No,” Kara suddenly spoke with genuine anger in her voice. “You don't get to do that. You don't get to use your sad eyes and meek voice to change my mind. The fact that you even have the nerve to try that is infuriating!” 

“I wasn't trying anything!” Lena defended herself with a blatant lie. “I – look, you're not going to stop me.” 

“Watch me,” Kara stood up, ominously stepping closer. “Test me and see what I'm capable of.” 

Lena slowly stood up too, holding her head high with a confidence she didn't possess. “You don't scare me.” 

“No?” she rose her eyebrows. 

“There's always a back up plan with me. You should know that by now,” she told her with absolutely no intention to back down the way Kara wanted her to. 

Kara laughed, shaking her head. “And you have a back up plan in Norway? Without a passport or money?” 

“I do,” she confirmed. 

“And Finland?” 

“Yup.” 

“Panama?” 

“You can name all the countries you want, the plan is the same,” Lena’s heart pounded at the thought that Kara would actually make her do it. 

Kara's head snapped over to the two way mirror, then she looked to Lena with absolute horror. She froze in place, then her eyes clouded over, leaning Lena to stare with confusion at the rapid change in expression. 

Kara's voice came out with a tenderness that broke Lena's heart all over again. “You want to kill yourself?” 

“ _What_?” she exclaimed, trying to save her ass. She wasn't sure how Kara had figured that out from what she had said, but she was more than sure that she hadn't said _that._ She wouldn't dare confess that. “I don't want to kill myself.” 

“Lena, do you–” 

Alex opened the door, stepping in and giving out orders with professionalism. “I'll take it from here. Go home, Supergirl.” 

“No, she doesn't get to drop that bombshell and have me leave,” Kara fought her sister, but didn't peel her eyes away from the girl she no longer knew. 

Lena squinted with confusion, acting like the idea was absurd and hadn't been her back up plan all along. “I didn't drop a bombshell. Why would I want to kill myself?” 

“You tell me,” Kara told her sadly. “Lena–” 

“No, don't talk to me like that,” she bit out. “I don't want to kill myself and I certainly don't want to hear that voice. Let me go to jail.” 

“Why do you want to do that?” Kara repeated, clearly not seeing Lena's point of view. “You have so much going for you.” 

Lena wanted to ask her, _like what?_ but instead she kept acting like they were crazy in an attempt to get out of the mess she didn't know how she'd put herself in. 

“I don't know why you think I want to kill myself, but I don't,” she told them both with a calmness she didn't even know she was capable of having when both her plan and backup plan were on the verge of being ruined. “I never said that at all. I don't want to die. That was never my intention.” 

It was, though. That was her only intention if she was to magically be set free after this. 

“J’onn can read minds,” Alex softly informed her. “You didn't have to say it for him to hear it.” 

She hid her surprise with that, focusing on more important matters for the time being. “He read mine wrong, then. I don't want to die, I want to go to jail. I want to feel productive.” 

“Lena, you’re not–” 

“Kara, I don't know what you're going to say, but it'll need to wait,” Alex reinforced with a sorrow that Lena hated hearing in regard to herself. At the end of the day, she genuinely wasn't worth feeling sorry for. “You need to go home. You don't want to be around for this.” 

“For what?” Lena piped up, her anxiety finally apparent. 

Kara turned away from her for the first time to ask the same thing. “Yeah, what's going on?” 

“This just became more than relationship drama,” Alex narrated the obvious for them both. “It's time for you to leave.” 

“I need to talk to her about this, Alex,” Kara pressed. “Please, I have to–” 

“Go home,” Alex finished the sentence for her. “I'll stay with Lena.” 

The two sisters had a stare down until Kara shook her head. “I'm not leaving until I know what's going on.” 

Alex looked to Kara apprehensively, then took a deep breath and faced Lena. “No charges are being pressed against you, courtesy of the DEO, but you've just become a psych case.” 

“A _psych_ case?” Lena actually lost it. “I didn't even say I want to die! I didn't even hint at it! Tell your boss he's dead wrong, because I'm not–” 

“Go home, Kara,” Alex repeated softly, breaking up Lena's rant. “We’ll take care of this.” 

The internal debate coursing through Kara was transparent, but eventually she gave in. 

“Come see me when you're done here,” she murmured to her sister on her way out. “Let me know she's okay.” 

Lena wanted to scream at how unfair that was. She wanted to yell and throw something at Kara Danvers for acting like she cared again all of the sudden, but instead she kept her composure, because right now she had to go into crisis mode, and crisis mode was not kicking and screaming. 

When Kara was gone, Alex returned to their original meeting staring at each other, but this time it was somber. 

“I don't know why you look sad. I'm fine, you're all wrong about this.” 

“I'm not saying this to be mean, but don't waste your breath at this point,” Alex told her with a gentleness that made the words sound like she actually mattered. “You haven't been okay and we both know it.” 

“No, you don't know a single thing about me. Clearly you don't, because I love my life,” Lena smiled. “I have money and success and – and I love my life,” she stuttered again when her list ran out. If she could've she would've killed herself on the spot, because it would've been a thousand times less painful than crying in front of Alex. Her voice quivered. “I'm fine. I swear on it.” 

Alex hesitated, but then she moved forward, moving to give her a warm embrace, her hand moving up and down against her back in comfort. Lena went from being teary eyed to sobbing at that. She had forgotten how familiar Alex was until she felt one of the only people’s arms that had ever hugged her wrapped around her body again. 

“You’re okay,” Alex quietly promised. “You’re still a psych case, but you're okay.” 

“I don't need this,” Lena still tried to convince her despite her body shaking from crying so hard. “I'm–” 

“No, you aren't,” Alex cut her off before she could say it again. “Repeating a lie won't make it true.” 

Lena didn't argue that. “I'm not going to a psych ward, Alex. I'm not crazy. I'm not suicidal. I'm not anything.” 

“You're not happy, that's for sure,” Alex brought up Lena's harsh reality. 

She rolled her eyes at how dramatic that sounded. This wasn't some deep scene in a movie, this was Alex committing her. “I have a company to run.” 

“You have a psych eval to complete,” she was corrected. 

“I'm fine,” Lena repeated again through gritted teeth, irritation at the fact that there was no way out of this. No one cared before this, so what was any different now? “You can't just decide I need a psych evaluation. That's not your choice to make.” 

“I'm in charge of your case, so it is. I'm not going to grieve over the loss of you for a second time in two years.” 

Lena was seething at the comment. Alex didn't get to grieve. Alex left just as easily as Kara had. Maybe she sent a text here or there, but at the end of the day, she still left too, plain and simple. 

“You don't get to do this to me,” she broke out. “You _can't_ do this to me, do you get that? It'll ruin my life.” 

Alex almost looked like she was going to change her mind, but then she turned firm again. “They're on their way now. My decision is final.” 

“Fuck you,” Lena hissed, ready to slam a punch against the wall, because a part of her still cared too much about Alex to punch her instead. 

In that moment, she wanted to hurt someone just to spread it around. She had never been that type of person, but there were so many emotions inside of her that she didn't know how to express and need to unleash. She was disgusted by it. She was disgusted by everything about herself. And they could try, but Lena was positive that even psych ward couldn't fix that. 

  



	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I didn't think many people were interested in this, so I had brushed it aside, but someone on tumblr asked me to continue + this is one of my favorites to write, so it's back with all its angst and darkness bc I'm that bitch

Lena was good at looking okay. She was good at looking professional and neutral and content with whatever life threw at her, but walking in to a psych hospital – that Alex had involuntarily admitted her to – was where that persona came off.

She wasn't necessarily rude, but she couldn't hide that she was upset, not to mention angry. She shouldn't have thought it. That was all she could think. She should've somehow known that J’onn could read her mind and used a device against it. She felt stupid and small and weak and, most devastatingly, unsuccessful, which was what hurt the most. A lack of success… success was the only thing she could depend on.

Her entire life, she didn't have people to cling to, but she always had the ability to try until she succeeded. Sometimes she was uncertain of whether or not she would have it, but in the end, when she persevered, she always won, always came out on top, always was successful. How could the one thing she didn't succeed at be keeping her plan to kill herself a secret? Suddenly the one fool-proof plan there was was taken away from her, and that was the most upsetting part about her current predicament.

She followed the admissions nurse through multiple locked doors until they reached the back where the adult ‘acute’ unit was. Lena didn’t feel all too acute, she was just depressed and wanted to die. ‘Acute’ was a dramatic word that made her mental state sound like a crisis instead of a comfort. Death was a comforting back up plan, not ‘acute’.

She took a deep breath, not sure what to expect when the passkey unlocked the third door, but knowing she wouldn't like it. Walking in she braced herself for the chaos, but a surprising calm greeted her. She looked around the unit at four p.m. and was pleasantly surprised. There was a quiet sense to it compared to what she was expecting. People looked up at her as she walked through, but they politely turned their attention away just as quickly.

“Is that Lena Luthor?” she heard a guy whisper from the table a large majority of the patients were sitting at, some of them coloring, others just talking.

Someone else shook her head without even looking up. “We’re in a psych ward, dude. I doubt a Luthor would be caught dead here.”

And she wouldn't be if it weren't for Alex. As always, everything came back to the Danvers – a last name that at one point in time she thought she'd call her own.

Lena sat down and a nurse took her vitals, then he smiled politely. “Let me find a female nurse to do your body check.”

She was going to ask if a body check in a mental hospital was the same as the one she had just done in prison, but he was gone before she could regain her ability to speak. She had been too busy fuming over Alex's audacity to say things out loud, because, god, she could kill. She really could. Right now, she would. And no matter what she did or how many deep breaths she took, she couldn’t subdue that rage.

It turned out the body check was the same as prison. For the second time in twenty-four hours, Lena stripped naked, letting a different nurse examine her. She wrote down notes on a paper about various scars and moles, then had her squat and cough until she was given her business attire again.

“We need to keep the tights as a safety precaution, but you’ll get them back at discharge,” the nurse promised. “From what I understand someone is bringing you clothes during visiting, but until then do you want something comfier to wear from our donations?”

As badly as she wanted to say yes, she said no in fear of looking like the greedy rich girl, stealing clothes from other patients who'd need them. She didn’t want to do that, so despite her pencil skirt and blouse being entirely uncomfortable, almost to the point she wished she took Alex’s advice to keep the orange jumpsuit, she declined the nurse’s offer. “I should be fine in this until then. Thank you, though.”

“We can give you a gown,” she gave a second option.

It took a moment to consider, but eventually she shook her head. There was no point in making other people go out of their way. “I should be fine. I really appreciate it, though. Thank you so much.”

She nodded, stepping out. “I'll let you get dressed, then. Let me know if you need anything.”

The nurse was almost out the door when Lena finally asked the only question she had. “Do you know who's bringing the clothes?”

“I'm not sure. It was just noted in your admit papers someone was coming,” she explained.

The admit papers, right. The papers filled with convoluted lies about how she confessed her plan to J’onn – the ones that didn't note how he read her mind to see if she was guilty or not and found more than he was looking for. The admit papers that said Lena was a threat to herself, the ones that Alex signed as a witness to hearing Lena’s intent to kill herself. The admit papers that correctly recorded her plan, despite Lena never saying it aloud, the ones that had all the information that she had hidden so well. The admit papers where all the details she would've never told a soul was written down as if she'd voluntarily shared them out of spite. _Those_ admit papers.

Lena tried to focus on her anger, because if she didn’t she’d be anxious about having visitors, and anxiety was useless. Anxiety was weak and served no purpose. It was cowardly, and she understood some people had issues with it, but she didn’t. She was fine. She was too rich to be dealing with these problems – she was privileged with nothing to complain over. Yet, there she was with a spinning mind, racing heart and shallow breaths, because seeing either one of the Danvers sisters sounded absolutely terrifying.

At this point, she knew it had to be one of them, because no one else would visit, but she wasn't sure which one she was hoping it was. Honestly, she didn’t even know which would be worse. Her rage with Alex was current and fired up, but the heartbreak Kara had caused by leaving was deeply rooted and forever present. It was a lose-lose situation no matter how she viewed it, but after a while she decided Kara would be worse. Much worse, actually. Kara… she couldn’t see her without losing her mind.

“Lena, right?” the girl she was sharing a room with asked as she walked in. “I'm Sam.”

She gave a weak smile, one-hundred percent sure it wasn't believable whatsoever. “Nice to meet you.”

“And you,” she returned it politely.

Lena cut to the chase, voicing the only question on her mind. “How long do most people stay here?”

“The average stay is 3-5 days. I’ve been here three, but I’ll probably be on the five end.”

Lena took a deep breath, sitting on the bed that was definitely not her memory foam mattress. “How bad is it here?”

“It's not too bad. Some of the other people are annoying, but it's your typical psych ward. I've been to much worse,” she disclosed.

That took Lena aback. “How many times have you been here?”

“It's only my second time here, but I've been to others,” she explained. “Trust me, if you have to be in the hospital, you want it to be here.”

“I guess that’s somewhat comforting,” she sighed, looking Sam over. “What brought you here?” Lena thought the question over. “Am I allowed to ask that?”

“You’re allowed. In fact, get used to it. You’ll hear people talking about their stories a lot,” Sam warned. “But to answer your question, I’m here for what they call dissociative identity disorder, which is basically just a nice way of saying I have split personality disorder. This isn’t exactly my first rodeo.”

Lena kept her business face on, determined not to show her surprise that someone so normal could have something so seriously wrong with them. “That sounds rough.”

“It can be, but it’s easier when you get used to taking care of yourself. You learn what you need to do to stay stable,” Sam explained, then shook her head with frustration. “I do _so_ well when I'm on my meds… I’m totally normal on them. But staying on them is the problem. Reign thinks she doesn't need them, then she gets homicidal, then I end up… well, here.”

When Lena looked at her with both confusion and shock, Sam laughed at herself.

“Reign is my second identity. And don’t worry, I’m not gonna murder you in your sleep or anything.”

“Right, makes sense,” she nodded. “And good to know. Although, you don’t seem like you have it in you to kill anyone.”

“I know. Because I’m back on my meds. I’m Sam again,” she smiled. “It’s pretty crazy how functional they can make you when you’re so fucked up without them.”

She stared at her, then shook her head. “Sorry, you just… you seem so bubbly. I can’t picture you wanting to kill anyone.”

“I’ve been told,” she laughed. “As I said, it’s pretty crazy what a good ol’ antipsychotic can do. They make you tired as hell and I’ve probably gained a good twenty pounds, but I guess no miracles come free, right?”

Lena nodded along, despite not being able to fathom being so okay with such an awful thing. She could barely cope with depression, never mind a whole second personality.

“And you? Why are you here?”

She decided to give a vague, slightly manipulated version of events. “I tried to kill Supergirl and my ex’s sister was the cop on my case. She thought I was innocent and just wanted to waste my life away because I’m suicidal, so here I am. I don't need to be here, though.”

Sam stared at her with analysis. “Well, do you want to die?”

“Yeah, I guess. But plenty of people do.”

“Did you plan it out?”

She asked it so casually that it took Lena by surprise. “Yes, but–”

“Did you plan on carrying it out?”

“I don't see why that matters,” she mumbled.

Sam smiled softly, not sugarcoating things whatsoever. “You need to be here. You don't want to hear it, but the cop made the right call.”

Lena looked away, not responding to that. Maybe she needed to be here, but she didn't want to be. She had two life plans before she executed the attempted murder of Supergirl: prison or death. If they didn't press charges, she had every intent on killing herself that night. She would've, too. She still wished she could've.

A psych ward was never in the cards for her. At least, it wasn't supposed to be. She'd honestly rather be dead than get better. At this point, there was more hope in death than life. As she kept saying, she needed this to be over. Now, with Alex and Kara involved again, it seemed like it never would be.

* * *

Lena had been informed that visiting hours began at seven when she first arrived, and she wished she could somehow skip to eight-thirty when they were over, purely so she wouldn't have to see whoever was coming. When there was five minutes of freedom left, Lena excused herself from the group of people in the front room to go to hide in her shared room with Sam, as if that would somehow stop whichever Danvers was coming – she was praying to god it wasn't both, because she didn't know if she could handle that. 

The patients there were nicer and less crazy than she had expected, Lena would give them all that. They were surprised to see the well-known Lena Luthor in a mental hospital, but after that initial shock wore off things were almost normal. She had friendly conversations with people, which was something that hadn't happened in… Lena couldn't remember the last time.

Sam rose her eyebrows as she watched Lena walk in and move directly to her assigned bed. “Well, _you_ look terrified.”

“Yeah,” she mumbled, laying down. “If anyone comes to look for me, I'm sleeping and don't want to be woken up for any visitors. Tell any given soul that comes in here that I don't want to see them.”

The girl on the bed beside her laughed. “Yikes. Who's coming to visit you?”

“I don't know. All I know is I don't want to see whoever it is,” Lena crawled under the thin blankets, turning to the wall that faced away from Sam and the door.

“They need your permission to come,” Sam told her. “They can't get in if you say you don't want them to be here.”

“I said that, but I’m not holding my breath. They work for the government,” Lena mumbled, keeping her eyes closed. “Trust me, one of them will find a way and say it's for questioning or something. Forcing themselves in is what they do best.”

She heard Sam snort from the other side of the room. “Talk about friends in high places.”

“They're not my friends, but you have _no_ idea,” Lena muttered. “I'm counting on you to not let me down. One of them will be sweet as pie if you say no, the other will be scary as hell. Don't back down. If it's both of them… I don't know, I'm just praying it's not.”

“Is this the cop that's your ex’s sister?”

“One of them,” she nodded, still facing the wall instead of Sam. “She’s actually FBI. The other is the ex herself.”

“I thought she was a journalist,” Sam inquired, making Lena smile at the information she definitely hadn't given to her. “How does she plan to get in?”

“Ah, so you _do_ know who I am,” Lena quickly turned to her before rolling over again. “I’ll explain later. Just remember, I’m sleeping and don't want visitors.”

“You got it,” Sam promised, letting silence fall upon them again, the only exception being the pages of Sam’s book occasionally turning.

It felt like she had been laying there forever when she heard one of the staff show someone the room. “She’s in the window bed.”

Show time.

And Lena had to say, Sam pulled through for her, sounding more genuine in the lie than ever. “She literally _just_ fell asleep. She was pretty exhausted and told me to tell anyone that works here not to wake her up, so I would assume she wouldn't want you to. She was practically a zombie when she finally fell asleep.”

“Nice try,” she heard Alex dryly dismiss what Lena viewed as quite the convincing story. Sam’s ability to lie was somewhat impressive and she’d to give her credit for trying.

She didn't plan to give into Alex that easily, however. She stayed still, keeping her eyes closed and her breathing heavy and steady. She felt Alex sit on the edge of the bed and she pretended to stir a little, but not enough to wake up.

“Lena, I know you're not sleeping,” Alex pressed.

She didn't budge, naively hoping that maybe if she pretended long enough Alex would give in and leave her alone.

“Look, be thankful it's me here and not Kara. She really wanted to come and I wouldn't put it past her to do whatever it takes to get in here if I can't produce a single story. Hell, she’ll bulldoze this place to the ground if she has to. You know she will.”

Lena thought that over. Alex had a point. She wouldn't put it past Kara to plow right through these walls – or she'd come in full costume as Supergirl status to get in. One or the other. And Lena hated Alex for landing her here, but she hated Kara a hell of a lot more.

She sighed, making the choice to give in. She rolled over on the bed, suddenly feeling Alex beside her and ‘waking up’.

“Oh,” she blinked the fake tiredness out of her eyes, keeping her voice sleepy, but cold and harsh, as well. “What are you doing here?”

“Sorry, did I wake you up?” Alex rose unimpressed eyebrows with a lack of any real concern.

Lena scooted up on the bed to a sitting position, looking over at Sam who was still reading, but now wore a very amused smile. She turned back to Alex, trying to keep her face free of emotion.

“Why are you here? I thought I told them no visitors.”

“We both know you knew one of us would come,” Alex told her pointedly. “My way just happened to be legal thanks to the–” she briefly glanced at Sam, “–FBI thing, where Kara's plan involved a slightly more dramatic entrance.”

“I don't want to talk about her,” Lena was suddenly icier than she thought she was capable of. “And I don't want to talk to you either.”

“Fine with me, you don't have to talk,” Alex shrugged. “I can talk enough for the both of us. Do you have a topic in mind or are my options open?”

Sam audibly laughed, making eye contact with both of them. “I'm going to give you guys privacy. It was nice to meet you.”

“Nice to meet you too,” Alex put a mix between a smirk and warm smile on a very dark face. “But if you try lying to me a second time, the meeting won't be so nice.”

Sam was unfazed, looking to Lena with raised eyebrows of her own. “You wanted to avoid a visit with her? She seems like such a pleasure.”

For the first time, Lena let out a real laugh. “Thanks for trying, Sam.”

“Yeah. Have a blast for the next hour and a half. I'll assume she's the scary one,” she grinned, looking over Alex with those analytical eyes. “Seems like someone who has a mean bark, but wouldn't know how to bite.”

“I’ll show you my bite in a minute,” Alex threatened.

Sam put on a soft smile, no nervousness whatsoever at Alex’s attempt at intimidation. “A _true_ pleasure, Agent…?”

“Danvers,” Alex spoke her last name as if it had any sort of power. She mocked Sam’s word choice without giving a smile of her own, “The pleasure is _truly_ mine.”

Lena kept laughing as Sam left the room, leaving her alone with Alex, who didn't look nearly as amused by Sam. It made her happy. Alex deserved that sort of challenge.

“She seems like a terrible influence and I don't like her.”

Lena didn't say a word, sticking to the decision she had made not to talk to her. When Alex realized she wouldn't be getting a response, she carried on like she had gotten one anyway.

“I brought you clothes,” she informed her. “I figured your business attire wasn't exactly desirable.”

She raised her eyebrows with contempt instead of saying thank you.

Alex sighed, appearing to be genuinely remorseful. “I'm sorry you don't want to be here, but I'm not sorry you're here.”

And that got her vocalizing her thoughts, but her voice wasn't any warmer than it was before. “I read my admit papers. It left out the part about your boss being an intrusive, unethical, life-ruining mind reader.”

“He wasn't as sure you were innocent as Kara and I were,” Alex explained. “When you started talking back up plans he wanted to make sure you were bluffing, he was never trying to invade your privacy to that extent. He just happened to find more than he bargained for.”

“My admit papers had a fabricated story about how I said I planned to go home and kill myself,” Lena spoke crisply. “I don't remember that chain of events.”

“Lena–”

“Never trust the government should be my new life motto,” she bit out.

“You were going to end your life,” Alex reminded her with a gentle edge. “If preventing that meant lying, you can bet your ass I'm going to lie.”

She was tempted to deny that she planned to immediately kill herself if things went the way they had gone, but there was no use. She was already here. Now, all she could do was be transparent in her anger.

“You should've just let me.”

“No, you should've reached out for help,” Alex corrected her.

Lena scooted closer to her pillow, holding her head high. “Oh? And who exactly was there to reach out to, Alex?”

She watched the older Danvers look down, then look back up with sorrow. “You’re the one who pushed me away, Lena.”

Lena’s lips formed into a thin line. “Well, that's simplifying matters quite a bit.”

“I wanted to be there for you.”

“Yeah, and you wanted to do it behind Kara's back,” she accused. “That would've caused problems between you guys, and I shouldn't have to be some secret friend. That's bullshit.”

Alex slowly nodded. “You’re right, you shouldn't be. That was wrong of me. But you never gave me that explanation. Instead you pushed me away.”

Lena’s eyes darted away. “You’re her sister. She needed you.”

“You needed someone too,” Alex argued. “You didn't have to be alone. You chose to be.”

“Alex, we can pretend like we would've stayed in contact all you want, but we wouldn't have,” Lena narrated for them coolly. “Eventually, Kara would've found out and we would've split apart. I would have been alone regardless. It was only a matter of time.”

Alex’s smile was soft, but Lena still wanted to punch something when it came out. “You really think I would've disappeared?”

“I have no doubt about it,” she firmly nodded. “You and Kara? No one comes between you two.”

“It's great that you realize that, but you wouldn't have come between us. I didn't want her to know because she would've felt guilty. Not because she'd be angry.”

“Well,” Lena huffed, not losing her anger. “Didn't seem that way to me.”

Alex sighed, placing a hand on Lena's knees that were under the covers. “What's going on, Lena?”

She shook her head, begging the tears to disappear from the back of her eyes. “You don't get to come back and pretend you care.”

There was a heavy sigh, then Alex moved forward, wrapping Lena in her arms. She didn't budge, but her voice croaked.

“Leave me alone. I don't need you here. I don’t.”

Alex held her closer as Lena fought to keep her tears from being noticed. “Your current surroundings say you might need someone more than you think.”

“I'm fine on my own.”

“Most of the time,” Alex agreed. “But you aren't fine right now.”

“Yes I am.”

“You're in the hospital.”

Lena made eye contact again and arched an eyebrow. “Thanks to who?”

“I might be the person who put you on a stretcher, but you wouldn't be here if there wasn't a reason,” she broke the news.

Lena shook her head. “You're not listening. I _wanted_ to die. You aren't doing me any favors.”

“Fine. Then I'm doing myself one,” she gave in. “If that's how you want to think about it, that's fine. I have no regrets over signing the papers for your admission.”

She pursed her lips, breathing heavy and looking away. “I should've known going anywhere near you and Kara would just further ruin my life.”

For a moment Alex looked hurt, then it passed. “I'm sorry you feel that way. If you need anything–”

“I need to get out of here. I'd _rather_ be in jail than here. Don't you get that?”

“And don't you get that that's a problem?” Alex challenged. “Lena, you shouldn't be willing to spend your life in jail for a crime you didn't commit. That's literally just giving up on yourself.”

“And that happened a long time ago, which you'd have known had your sister not done what she did,” she finally spat out, standing up off the bed to create space between them.

She crossed her arms, going to stand by the window.

Alex’s voice was tender. “Kara was scared, Lena.”

“Yeah, me too.”

Alex sighed, clearly stumped for a moment. “We _are_ here for you.”

Lena’s voice was firm. “I don't need pity support. I'm fine on my own.”

“It's not pity support–”

“No?” she whipped around with a glare. “Well, before you knew I wanted to end my life, I didn't see you hovering around anywhere – I especially didn't see Kara hovering around. You both forgot I even existed until I was getting checked in to jail and we both know it.”

“Really?” Alex asked, not moving from her place of sitting on the bed, still eerily calm despite Lena's anger. “I know you've been going to therapy. Once a week, sometimes twice. Kara told me, because she keeps tabs on you and realized you'd been leaving the office a lot. I know you changed your regular coffee spot, I presume to avoid Kara, because she changed hers for the same reason. I know you go to the bar on Center twice a week, sometimes three – and I know you'll sit there for hours, but won't talk to a soul, even if they try to talk to you. I know you spend at least 80 hours a week at the office, because I _have_ kept up with you. Whether you like it or not, I have, so while I know you think I don't care, I also know you're wrong.”

Lena turned to the window to quickly wipe tears, then returned to being cold. “So, what? You track my phone or something too now? Hire a private investigator to follow me? Have you been invading my privacy this whole time? Tell me, how do you know all this, Alex?”

“The good old fashioned following method,” she conveyed. “I saw you in the coffee shop before Maggie and I ended. We were on a case in the area and you were waiting in line. I went to say hi, but you were on the phone, so I stayed back. I sit in the corner of your regular bar sometimes to make sure you're okay. I saw your driver waiting for you in the parking lot one day and got worried, because you were never a big drinker, then eventually realized it's apparently your new hangout. Kara flies past L-Corp most nights because she worries, so she knows how many hours you clock. Us worrying about you isn't a new thing, it's not just because you're here. I’ve been worried about you for a long time.”

Lena thought that over, but finally, she dismissed the speech entirely. “I don't believe you.”

“Well, that's on you, then,” Alex gave a small sigh. “I've never lied to you before, I've only lied for you. I've still only lied for you. But if you don't want to trust me, you can do that if it truly helps you sleep at night.”

She stayed silent, staring out the window again, her arms crossed against her chest. Suddenly she felt incredibly small. “Are we done here?”

“If we are, it's only until tomorrow,” she promised. “I'm coming back.”

Lena didn't have it in her to fight, so instead she bargained. “Fine. But don't let Kara come. I'm strong enough to admit that I'm not strong enough to see her.”

Alex sighed and Lena felt her stare. “She's going to want to come.”

“She listens to you,” Lena finally turned. “If one of you needs to come check on me, fine, you guys can play your games that you care for a while – whatever makes you feel better about what you did. But I don't want it to be her.”

She paused, clearly not liking that, but eventually she accepted it. “I'll pass on the message.”

“I mean it,” Lena pleaded. “Don't let her come.”

“I understand,” Alex promised. She stared Lena over, then her voice was pleading a case of its own. “She knows she fucked up, you know?”

Suddenly, Lena put up her wall again. “We aren't talking about her.”

“She–”

“Kara's off limits,” she repeated, this time with more anger shining through. “If one of you is going to visit, I need it to be you. Do it for my mental health, since you suddenly care about that so much.”

They stared at each other for a while, then Alex gave in. “I'll see you tomorrow, then.”

She hated the words, but accepted reality. “See you tomorrow.”

* * *

It took mere minutes for Sam to pop her head in after Alex left. “She's not that scary.”

Lena tried to smile and joke around, she tried to ignore the heaviness in the pit of her stomach, but she couldn't, so her smile was half-hearted. “Speak for yourself.”

“It was that bad?” Sam asked in response to the glum expression. “She left early, so that has to be good, right?”

“She'll be back,” Lena shook her head. “She always comes back.”

There was silence, then Sam was unsure. “Are you okay?”

“I'm here,” Lena opted for her answer. “That means I'm supposed to be eventually, right?”

“You don't sound so sure.”

She finally looked to Sam who was only inquisitive, none of Lena's anger in sight. “How are you so okay with being here?”

“This is my normal. I haven’t checked into a hospital in over – that’s a miracle for someone like me. I used to live in these places,” she spoke with pride. “I've probably been to every psych ward in the area at least once. Whenever my meds stop working – or I'm an idiot and go off them – this is usually my eventual destination. It's a psych ward, sure, but when you hit rock bottom, it’s the help you need. Or it can be. But it can only help you if you let it.”

“I think I'm past the point of anything being able to help,” she admitted. There was no fear in her voice, only defeat, and while Lena figured she should probably find that as a cause of concern, she didn't have the energy in her to care.

“You've been a prominent figure in the media since I've moved here,” Sam brought up her status in National City for the first time. “This isn't exactly my first time seeing the face of Lena Luthor. You saved the city from an alien invasion when I first moved here, then saved children from lead poisoning, and I don't know how often you helped Supergirl save the day, but now it's time for you to get some help. For once, sit back and let people help _you_. Alex might be intruding your space right now, but it's obvious she cares and it's obvious you need someone in your corner. You're not past the point of saving, but you need to want to be saved. And only you can save yourself. But it's also okay to let other people be there for you while you do.”

“Other people can be. Just not her.”

“Her sister?”

“God, no. I'd rather Alex than Kara.”

The name felt foreign coming off her lips.

Sam smiled, tucking a piece of hair behind her ear as she continued to be sincere. “I don't know what happened between you and Kara, but I know Alex is trying to be there. She _is_ being overly pushy about it, but, in her defense, you're kind of making her. You have walls higher than China's.”

Lena fumbled around with her fingers, all the memories playing in her mind. Things with the Danvers used to be good. It used to be so easy. She remembered the first time she met Supergirl quite well, but the first time meeting Kara Danvers… sometimes the memories were so vivid it was as if she were there all over again.

“She screwed me over so bad,” Lena slowly shook her head, a darkness falling over her.

“Alex?”

“No. Kara,” she swallowed the lump in her throat. “To this day, she haunts me. It was a whole year ago, but she haunts me like it was yesterday. And I know I shouldn't blame Alex for that, but they're a package deal. It's easier to hate her than to miss her. Besides, I wouldn't be here if it weren't for her.”

“Nor would you be alive,” Sam argued. “Look, you don't have to listen to me, but I know how hard it is to be alone when you're picking yourself up from rock bottom – I do it pretty frequently. If I had someone who cared _half_ as much as Alex clearly cares for you… I'd take it. Unless there's some huge, unhealthy side to this relationship that you're not telling me, I'd take that support in a heartbeat. You're gonna need people on your side if you're gonna get through this.”

Lena stayed quiet, laying down on her bed without another word, because she didn't know what to say. She knew being alone in life was less than helpful, but losing Alex and Kara was harder than anything she'd ever gone through to this day. If it was up to her, she wouldn't be going through that sort of pain ever again. Hating her was easier than dealing with the void that Alex's absence caused.

And as for Kara… Well, she wasn't so sure she had it in her to stop hating Kara Danvers. Lena didn't care about why she abruptly left, because it didn’t matter. At the end of the day, what Kara did hurt like hell. There was no moving past that. She bared her soul to her, she asked the ultimate question, and Kara said no. There was no reviving a relationship after that. She didn't know how to look her in the eye, never mind let Kara be there for her again.

But maybe, _possibly_ letting Alex in was doable. _Maybe_. If it didn't involve Kara's re-entrance, she might be a good support system for a little while – until she found a better one, at least. It's not like she had other offers lined up. Alex was her only option.

“I gotta go find my nurse to get my night meds, but no matter what you decide with Alex, hang in there,” Sam finally murmured. “The first night here is always the worst, but a few days here is nothing compared to the rest of your life, right?”

Lena was still deciding if she wanted ‘the rest’, though. Maybe life could keep it. But instead of answering with that, she simply nodded against her pillow. “Yeah. Right. Guess you have a point.”

She still didn’t want to be alive.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> come talk to me on tumblr: shes-cured.tumblr.com


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, to clarify, Sam is not a Kryptonian in this story and basically season 3 never happened in this. The story of Reign and the world killers isn’t a part of this. Assume that anyone introduced in season 3 is just a regular ole human (including Psi and Imra who are introduced this chapter), but anything season 2 and before is canon. I’ll try to make it clear as I go, but that’s a rule of thumb.
> 
> Also thank you for all the nice comments and everyone’s support :’)

“Lena, we need to draw blood,” someone woke her up at the crack of dawn.

She sat up, her eyes squinting as she looked at them with distrust. She was dead asleep a few moments ago, but now she was suddenly wide awake. “Can I see your credentials?”

“Uh,” the phlebotomist looked at her, clearly not expecting the request. “I – well – here's my badge for the hospital. Is that what you wanted to see?”

“I need more than that,” Lena told her, no room for arguing in her mind. “No one but myself is sticking a needle in me until I have proof you're not sent by my family.”

“I work for this hospital, ma'am,” she tried to explain. “I've worked here for sixteen years. I can assure you–”

“That needle is not coming anywhere near me unless I do it myself – sterilization of the needle and all,” Lena reiterated.

The woman glanced at the needle, then to Lena. “I'm sorry, but due to the circumstances I can't give you anything sharp. Giving you a needle would be risking your life and my job.”

“Then no blood,” Lena didn’t back down. “Not until I have evidence that you are who you say you are.”

There was a bit of hesitation at Lena’s outright resistance, but eventually the phlebotomist gave a sigh. “Alright. So, should I mark you down as refusing the blood draw?”

“You most certainly should,” she confirmed, her eyes now in a threatening glare. “Until I have solidified proof that you're not some–”

“Okay,” the woman accepted when Lena continued to get worked up. “I'll mark it down. Have a good rest of your day.”

When she left, Lena let out a breath she wasn't aware she had been holding. If anyone thought they could stick anything into her blood stream they had another thought coming. She’d been through enough to know not to trust a stranger with such an act.

“If you do that again they're going to think you're schizophrenic or something,” Sam murmured, not opening her eyes from her sleep.

“Well, I'm not,” Lena huffed. “If you knew how many times my mom has tried to kill me… that was fully warranted.”

“I'd be prepared to have your FBI friend back that up,” she mumbled. “If they think you're paranoid you're gonna get some heavy ass meds, I'll tell you that right now.”

Lena stared at the door, wishing she could leave. If this was how her first full day started, she needed to leave.

“You have another hour before they come get vitals. I would try to get some more sleep.”

Lena moved her gaze to stare at Sam, wondering how she could be so calm about this. She seemed normal, yet she also seemed like she knew exactly how this place worked. The fact that someone like her, someone so nice and sane, could be stuck here – could be _okay_ with being stuck here on a regular basis… it blew her mind.

She shuffled her position until she was laying down, tugging the blankets closer to her body for security purposes. She didn't know how she was going to get through today, but considering where she was it wouldn't be by killing herself. Not having that as an option was honestly terrifying. It had been her go-to escape mechanism for months. Suddenly it was gone.

* * *

“I'm not depressed,” a girl named Leslie was proclaiming in group therapy, despite, by Lena's standards, clearly being depressed. “I'm _fine_. This is all one big misunderstanding.”

“Does anyone else feel like they're fine? That they don't need to be here?”

Imra raised her hand, so Lena considered it safe to raise hers.

“I don't know you yet,” some girl who dubbed the nickname Psi told Lena, “but _you_ ,” she turned to Imra, “need to be here, Princess Poise. You too, Leslie.”

“Do you need to be here?” the facilitator asked Psi.

“ _Me_?” she emphasized. “No. You all think I'm crazy, but I really _can_ control minds. I'm powerful.”

“And manic,” Leslie muttered.

“I am _not_ manic, you're just jealous you don't have my powers.”

“I've had powers. They aren't all too fun,” Leslie was somber. “I didn't mean to destroy everything. It was like this anger and rage just overtook me.”

“You can't live with that guilt forever,” Imra insisted. “Livewire was a freak accident. You said you made your peace with Supergirl and you're back to normal now.”

Lena looked down at the mention of Livewire, for the first time realizing that Leslie must be _the_ Leslie. Kara's Leslie. Livewire. She didn't want to be around anything related to Kara, especially if it was related to her goodness, because Lena didn't have it in her to think about how good Kara was to everyone but her.

“I have to step out and use the restroom,” she excused herself.

She actually needed to go to some dimension where Supergirl didn't exist, but that didn't seem like it'd be happening considering her current predicament. So, for now she'd escape to the bathroom for solace. She didn't move any further than shutting the unlocked door, just standing still and taking deep breaths.

Her outpatient therapist had a point that focusing on her breathing could somewhat calm her down and ground her, but it didn't erase the memories of Kara. No amount of inhaling and exhaling would allow the anger and anxiety that thinking of Kara brought on to go away. She had been doing so well at keeping those memories repressed in the back of her mind, but suddenly there was reminder after reminder, and she was feeling even less okay than she was before all this happened.

After she had been in there a few minutes, there was a knock on the door. “Everything's okay in there, right, Lena?”

She took a shaky breath and flushed the unused toilet for proof, moving to wash her hands. “Yeah, I'm almost done.”

This wasn't helping. It wasn't helping one bit.

* * *

“Lena, your doctor’s here to see you,” a counselor came in to pull her out of a session of group therapy where they were learning about boundaries – which Lena found to be quite pointless, considering she had no one to have boundaries with. 

The only person she had in her life was Alex, and she didn’t know what she wanted her boundaries to be with her yet. On one hand, she wanted her to be a mere acquaintance, but on the other she missed her. As hard as she was trying to stay angry and hateful, Lena had to admit that she was missing how they used to be.

She nearly leapt out of her chair at the mention of her psychiatrist, though, because seeing the doctor meant she could finally beg her way of this mess. Everyone told her the doctor was who to talk to if she wanted to be discharged. They all said the doctor was the only one who could write the orders.

“Lena, I'm Doctor Morrison,” a woman extended her hand. “Nice to meet you.”

“You as well,” she gave a small smile.

They moved into a consult room, both of them sitting down as she pulled up her file on the computer. “It says here you're not on any medication right now?”

“Correct,” she nodded with professionalism.

She pursed her lips together, thinking that over. “Have you ever been on any medication?”

“No, and I'd prefer not to start,” she was curt. “I don't need meds, Doctor Morrison. This is all one big misunderstanding.”

“Well, I have read over your chart. It _sounds_ like you need to be here,” she objected. “Can I ask why you oppose medication? It's proven to be very effective.”

“I know, but not for me,” Lena automatically dismissed it. “Look, I've been going to therapy, I've been doing what I have to do–”

“Yet you're here for what was almost an attempt,” the doctor interjected her defense. “There's no shame in medications when other methods of treatment aren't working. Plenty of people take them.”

“I know, but I, personally, don't need them,” Lena maintained her stance on the fight. “I'm not some girl in distress. I don't want to be alive, but I'll figure it out.”

“How?”

“I just will,” she shrugged. “I always do. I can do this on my own.”

She smiled a little, sitting back in her chair and repeating what Lena _sort of_ just said. “What I hear you saying, Ms. Luthor, is that you don't need help in getting better, you'll fix it yourself – but you don't know how you'll fix it – you just will.”

She pursed her lips, looking towards the ground. “Medications seem drastic.”

“Suicide seems drastic,” she countered.

Lena winced at the word. That was so harsh with such a strong connotation attached. She wanted to kill herself, and yes, technically commit suicide, but saying it aloud made it sound way more severe than it was.

“Look, I know medications aren't ideal, but they’ve proven effective when you have the right mix. And I don't foresee this getting much better for you without them, because you're right. You _have_ been taking all the right steps. It just doesn't seem to be enough.”

Lena held two fingers against her temple, racking her mind for a better solution. There _had_ to be another solution, because she had no reason to need this. She was rich, she was successful, she was… she was rich. And she was successful. And that should be fulfilling enough.

Yet it felt like her life was bleak. It was meaningless. It'd been literal months since she’d had a meaningful conversation with anyone and things at work were easy. There was no challenge – success was expected nowadays. There were no breaking edge inventions on the horizon, nor were there any crises that had to be taken care of.

“I have a good life, Doctor Morrison,” she pleaded for her to understand. “I shouldn't need this. I need to get out of here, I have a company to run. I haven't even been able to tell my assistant where I am. I'll figure this out somehow, but I’ll do it out of here, because I shouldn't need meds in order to want to be alive.”

“It doesn't matter what you _should_ need. If you need something, you need it. It doesn't make you weak. The chemistry in your brain–”

“I know how antidepressants work,” she cut the speech off. She leaned back in her own chair, challenging this Doctor Morrison to be real with her. “You really think I need medication to get back to how things were before I started dealing with all this?”

“Maybe not forever, but temporarily, yes,” she was sincere. “Lena, you almost didn't make it to see today. That's worrisome. And I'm obligated to keep you here until I feel you're safe, which you don't appear to be right now.”

“Safe from killing myself?”

“Yeah.”

Lena took a deep breath, thinking it over, then giving in. If meds were what it took to ditch this place, that's what she'd try. She wanted to get better, so if this was the next step, so be it. “What would you put me on?”

“We could start you on the standard Prozac or go for something like Wellbutrin, Zoloft, Cymbalta… the right medication is different for everyone.”

“What would you recommend?”

“Well, Prozac is good for patients who have a high amount of anxiety,” she relayed.

Lena quirked an eyebrow. “Who says I do?”

“You're being monitored and charted on 24/7 by professionals who know how to recognize the basic symptoms of anxiety. According to that, there are signs.”

Lena was suddenly irritated, and her voice clearly conveyed that. “Is _everything_ in that damn chart?”

“You'd be surprised,” she smiled. “So, would you be open to trying Prozac? It could take a while to work in which you'd have to try implementing the coping skills you're learning here, but I think it could really help you. If not that, I’d suggest Wellbutrin.”

She hesitated, but eventually accepted this might be the only Hail Mary she had left. “We can try Prozac.”

She put on a wide smile, nodding as she entered in the orders. “I assume you'll want a fact sheet? It'll tell you the reason for taking it, side effects, things to look out for…”

“I absolutely want that,” she nearly ordered.

Doctor Morrison nodded, seemingly pleased with the result of the consultation. “That I can do for you. I'm happy you're being open-minded about this.”

“I want to get out of here,” she sighed. “If taking meds helps get to that point, I'll take the damn meds.”

“Don't just go through the motions to get out, but wanting to get better is a great start. It’ll be a real asset to you,” she promised, standing and opening the door for them. “I'll be back to see you tomorrow. I’ll have your nurse give you the fact sheet.”

Lena watched her walk down the long hall, taking yet another deep breath as she asked the counselor where her next patient was. She felt guilty for making the decision to start taking medication, but also hopeful. She hadn't tried this yet, so if it had a chance of helping her, that was hope-worthy. She just prayed it worked, because sources of hope were pretty rare these days.

* * *

“Who's that girl?” Lena asked Sam, looking down to the wallet-sized photo Sam had been using as a bookmark.

“Oh,” her face lit up. “That's Ruby.”

“Your sister?”

“My daughter,” she corrected. “She’s… she’s my everything.”

For the first time, Lena almost couldn’t keep a straight face. After all of the horror stories Sam shared about her past, after all the talk about what her illness could be like, she had it together enough to have a _daughter_?

“We’re inseparable,” she went on, suddenly happier than Lena had ever seen her. “She's in middle school – smart as hell – so nice, so caring, so amazing… God, I miss her every day I’m here.”

Lena wanted to hug her, but she'd already been informed that apparently that was a boundary issue in itself. “I'm sure she's great.”

“It can't be easy to have a mom who goes through this stuff, you know?” Sam wiped away the first tear Lena had seen from her. “But she’s so understanding about it all. I don't know how much she knows or comprehends, but she is _so_ understanding about it.”

“Her mom is a fighter,” Lena finally recovered from her shock. “That's something she should be proud of. It’s something to look up to.”

Sam smiled at that. She looked down with remorse, but overall she seemed to be proud of herself as well. “We all have that one person or situation that changed our outlook in life entirely… mine is her. When I found out I was pregnant, everything changed. It was a bitch, because I had to go off my meds, but… I don’t regret it for a second. On my worst days, she’s the reason I keep fighting.”

“Is her dad helpful?” Lena inquired.

“Try useless,” she shook her head with a dry laugh. “He bailed _very_ early on.”

“So, when you come here? Where does she go?”

“She stays with her grandma,” Sam grimaced. “I don’t particularly love my mom all the time, but her and Ruby… they’re good for each other. I’ll admit that much.”

Lena looked over the picture again, giving a small smile. “She’s lucky to have someone who loves her so much.”

“Yeah, I just hope I’m not fucking her up by being in places like these so often,” Sam laughed.

Lena didn’t have the heart to laugh along, because there was no joke in her opinion. “If I had a mom who loved me as much as you love her, I’d be in a very different place right now. Some parents are gone a lot more often than a week or two at a time once or twice a year.”

Sam was quiet at the mention of Lena’s family, then her voice came out soft. “You didn’t _really_ try to kill Supergirl, did you?”

Lena stared at the photograph for a moment longer when Sam asked the question everyone else had been afraid to, then dropped her untouchable facade for the first time. “No. I didn’t.”

“So, why were you with your mom there?” she pressed. “And why'd you plead guilty in the first place?”

“Uh,” Lena tried to come up with an adequate answer that wouldn’t exploit this whole secret life she had. She couldn't exactly come out about the relationship she used to have Supergirl without exposing Kara, and no matter how angry and bitter Lena got, she'd never betray her like that. “I don’t think I’m ready to talk about that yet. No offense.”

“None taken,” Sam let it go. “I'm here if you ever change your mind, though.”

* * *

Unlike the night prior, this time when Alex walked in Lena let out a breath of relief, because at least it wasn't Kara. When she had left the night before, Lena didn't think Alex would actually be able to keep Kara away, so seeing the preferred Danvers sister was a nice surprise. 

“It took a lot of persistence to get her to stay home,” Alex immediately read her expression. “You owe me.”

“You owed me.”

“Then it seems like we're even,” Alex countered, walking with Lena to her room. When they were there, Alex handed her the envelope she had been carrying. “She did tell me to give you this, though.”

Lena stared at the letter-sized envelope and felt her throat close up at the _Lena_ scribbled on the front in that same old familiar handwriting. It was loopy and cursive and incredibly Kara.

“They had to open it up front to make sure I wasn't hiding contraband inside, but I haven't read it,” Alex explained. “Kara said it doesn't contain anything inappropriate or out of line, but it probably unintentionally does, so my apologies in advance. Giving this to you was part of our deal for her to stay home.”

“I understand,” Lena tried to push away the effect that seeing her name in Kara’s handwriting had on her. “It's not your fault.”

“You don't have to read it,” Alex told her.

She gave a wry smile, admitting the truth. “I might not.”

Alex looked over to the empty bed beside her. “Where's the oh-so-friendly roommate?”

“With her daughter.”

“I was hoping you’d say discharged,” Alex was dry, then surprised. “She has a daughter?”

“Yeah, it’s a supervised visit. I guess her daughter’s too young to be allowed on the unit, so they had to arrange somewhere more private.”

“Oh. Makes sense,” Alex accepted the answer.

Lena fumbled with the envelope, trying not to look down at it again. There was a tightness in her chest from even holding it.

“So, how are you settling in?” Alex asked so hesitantly that it seemed like she was worried Lena might punch her for bringing it up.

“Okay, I guess.” There was a silence for a moment, then she spoke up again, her voice sounding icier than she intended. “You'll be happy to hear that I agreed to medication.”

“I am happy to hear that,” Alex ignored the frigidity. “I hope it helps.”

Lena almost didn't talk about it further, because talking about it meant showing a hint of her insecurities, but Sam had a point. She'd need someone to support her through this, and after twenty-four hours of thinking of the people she had in her life _besides_ Alex, she realized that she might have to settle.

“What if the meds don’t help?” Her voice was weak. “What if nothing changes?”

Alex wrapped an arm around her, and it felt less wrong than it did the night before. Lena still wanted to scream and push her away, but the urge was lessened. “If it doesn't work, we’ll try another. Then another. Then another, until one finally does.”

Lena didn't answer, just staring ahead. She couldn't even get mad at that answer. It was perfect.

“I'm not giving up on you, Lena.”

“You did before.”

“And look where it landed us.”

The Lena from a year ago would've laughed at her dry point.

She looked at Alex, then looked down with sadness. “You realize our relationship might be past fixing? We may never be like we were. No matter how hard you try.”

“You're right. But maybe one day we’ll be better.”

Lena let the words sink in, wishing she had a spitfire comment to shut the idea down. Instead, she let herself be authentic and her doubts to shine through. “Do you really think better’s possible after everything that's happened?”

“Maybe,” Alex breathed. “I hope so. I want it to be.”

Lena was silent, unsure how to respond to that.

“Do you think you'll ever want it to be?” Alex asked the follow-up.

She glanced up, then glanced away, because Alex was hopeful. She was _visibly_ hopeful. “I don't know.”

But the girl beside her didn't seem dejected at the answer, only determined. “Well, no matter what you want, I'm not leaving you. At least not while you're here. You can decide where we go after this.”

Lena wanted to be mad, but instead she found herself feeling somewhat grateful. It had been a long while since someone had fought to break down the self-protective walls she had built. Even if she had built them partially due to Alex, it was nice that someone finally cared enough to try to break through.

She looked down at the envelope again, running her fingers against the side, not daring to touch her scribbled name. “You promise no Kara, though?”

“You know I can't make that promise,” Alex sighed. “We both know she has a mind of her own, but I promise I'll try my best.”

Lena finally met her eye for longer than half a second, trying to convey how much she _couldn't_ see Kara. “I don't have it in me to talk to her.”

Alex accepted that, nodding her head. “I wish I could blame you for that.”

“She left,” Lena narrated. “Maybe I pushed you away, maybe I'll admit to that one day, but Kara just left. I didn't push her away, I bared it all to her, I _proposed_ and she left.”

Alex's voice came out sad and disheartened. “I know.”

She pursed her lips, almost sinking weight into the arm that was still wrapped around her, but she wasn't willing to give Alex the satisfaction of comforting her yet. Sinking into Alex's arm meant Lena was allowing her to be there, and Lena still wasn't willing to do that. Besides, while her anger with Alex Danvers was slowly dissipating, it was still there in slivers.

“She has issues of her own, though,” Alex began defending her. “It wasn't due to–”

“We aren't talking about Kara.”

She felt Alex's stare, and knew it was slightly unfair to bring Kara up, yet not hear her defense, but she didn't want to listen to it. Sure, Kara had issues. Kara had her own fears and insecurities and traumas. Whatever. Lena wasn't ready to hear those excuses.

“Okay,” Alex finally gave into the request. “So, lets talk about you, then. How are the other patients here? Or the food? Is group therapy helpful? Do you think it’s helping?”

Lena hated talking about herself, but it was a step up from Kara, so she filled her in on the people and the food and the groups. She mentioned how people there were some of the most understanding people she'd ever met. The food was decent. Some groups were helpful, but some were useless. And she didn’t think this place was totally curing her depression, but it was making it seem a little more manageable.

“I just feel like I don't deserve to be here,” Lena finally admitted aloud.

She felt Alex turn to her and glanced up to see her eyebrows furrowed in confusion. “Why wouldn't you deserve to be here?”

“I don't know,” she sighed, contemplating if she really wanted to continue the conversation, to admit to everything she had been feeling. Eventually she decided she to just get it out. “I… I don't really have anything to be depressed about, I guess. There's nothing in my life that's worthy of wanting to die over. Yeah, my family sucks, but no one’s family is perfect.” She took a deep breath, shaking her head with frustration. “I have money, you know? I have success. I'm semi-famous in the business world and no one is jeopardizing any of that – at least, not anymore. No one has even tried to kill me in years! I have shelter, I have food, I have access to literally everything under the sun. I'm not going to go into debt due to this hospital visit like so many other people here are worried about… I have a great life.”

In the end, she didn't need to lean into Alex, because upon hearing that Alex scooted closer and wrapped her arm around Lena's body even tighter.

“I have no reason to be at a point where all this is necessary.”

Alex pursed her lips, then asked her question forebodingly. “Do you want my honest feedback on all that?”

Lena shrugged, not so sure she did, but not so sure what else Alex would say. “I guess.”

“People aren't full of shit when they say money can't by happiness,” she proclaimed with confidence. “It's great that you have all that. It's great that you built yourself such an empire and that you made such a name for yourself, but who are you sharing it with?” When Lena didn't have an answer she continued. “You don't have anyone close to you. That isolation…”

“I've heard it from my outside therapist,” she sighed. “Don't worry.”

“You'll never be happy if the only person in your life is yourself,” Alex made the biggest claim yet. “That doesn't make you weak, but that's probably why you're here. Living life with no one walking beside you is lonely, and loneliness is powerful.”

Lena hated that word. Alex might be able to say it didn't make her weak, but feeling ‘lonely’ enough to get to this point sure as hell sounded weak to her.

“Even if it's not me or Kara, you need to open yourself up to someone, Lena.”

“I know,” she let out a deep sigh. “I'm just not sure I remember how to anymore.”

* * *

When Sam walked back in, Alex was gone and visiting was over, leaving Lena sitting in her room and staring at envelope. She felt physically frozen, unable to open it and a little nauseous, so when Sam came back she set it down and decided to focus on her.

“How was Ruby?”

“She was perfect,” Sam shook her head with sadness. “I miss her so much.”

“Well, you must be almost ready for discharge, right? I mean, you _seem_ better. You're probably the most stable out of all of us.”

“Yeah, well, I've had some practice with getting better,” she smiled. “But yeah, I'm getting discharged the day after tomorrow. Or that's the plan, anyway.”

Lena's heart fell a little. She hadn’t known Sam for an extended period of time, but she was one of the most down-to-earth people she had ever met. She was going to miss that. “I bet you can't wait.”

“I can't,” she gushed. “The best part of psych wards is getting out of them.”

And Lena had no trouble believing that.

* * *

“Ms. Luthor, we’re here to draw your blood,” she was woken up early again the next day. 

She didn't even bother to sit up this time. “No one is coming near me until I have valid proof of your certification and affiliation. Do you have that yet?”

The woman gave a heavy sigh, seeming to be more than dismayed by the second refusal. “Look, I have to keep coming back until I get a blood draw.”

“Then I'll see you tomorrow. Hopefully with the documents I need,” Lena dismissed her. “I'll refuse until I have proof you're not in communication with my mother.”

“Right… well, I'll tell the doctor, then,” she gave in. “See you tomorrow.”

* * *

When Lena woke up an hour later, she eyed Kara's letter again, then shook her head and decided to take her shower. Not yet. She wasn’t quite ready yet.

* * *

“Hey,” Leslie slid into the seat beside Lena during an afternoon slot of free time. “Not used to seeing you sitting alone. Everyone seems to like you ‘round here that you always have a crowd.”

“I know, it's shocking,” Lena gave an small laugh. “They must want something, I just have yet to figure out what it is, seeing as the media is _not_ my friend right now.”

“Hey, fuck the press. We all like you here,” Leslie smiled. Then, she craned her neck down the hall, looking around to see if anyone was there and dropping her voice so it was next to inaudible when they weren't. “But I've been trying to get you away from the others since you got here. What the hell happened between you and Supergirl?”

“Me and–” Lena cut herself off, nearly choking from being so caught off guard. “Are you asking if I’m guilty?”

“No! _No_! Not that. It's just… one day I was watching you two sneak around the DEO holding cells, standing a little too close to be just friends, and now I’m watching news stories about how you tried to kill her,” Leslie narrated as Lena immediately tried to block out the memories of her and Kara hiding away from the others in abandoned cells just to get a few moments of busy days alone together. “That’s a pretty big shift.”

“I'm not talking about–” she cut herself off from habitually saying _Kara_ , “–Supergirl with you.”

Leslie held up her hands at the hostility, her tone losing its curiosity. “Sorry. Didn't realize it was a sore subject.”

Lena couldn't help but roll her eyes and bite her tongue to keep from bitching about how _entirely_ out of line this was.

“Hard to believe someone like Supergirl would piss off someone like you, though,” Leslie continued to muse. “I mean, you're clearly not a villain, and Supergirl is pretty to easy to get along with when you're not a cop or villain, so–”

“I'm glad you two have made amends, but for the second time, I'm not discussing Supergirl,” Lena snapped. “What happened between us is between us, and I'd appreciate if you kept your knowledge of this to yourself.”

Leslie finally took the hint, backing off from a topic that, in Lena's humble opinion, she shouldn't have started on in the first place. “Understood. Sorry. I won't speak of it again.”

“To anyone,” she ordered.

Leslie stared, then nodded her head. “To anyone. I'm genuinely sorry I brought it up. I didn't mean to–”

“It's fine,” Lena mumbled, not needing to hear excuses, but it was _far_ from fine. “Just don't do it again.”

* * *

“That Leslie girl is a snake,” was the first thing Lena told Alex at visiting. “Why the hell is she here?”

“Classified,” Alex stated as she sat down. “Why? What'd she do?”

Lena shook her head, not wanting to get into it. “She's just a snake. Plain and simple.”

Alex held her breath, then her words came out in a gust of air. “She's been requesting Supergirl visit her. So far I've gotten Kara to stay away, but… a heads up that she's ready to weasel her way in.”

Lena was instantly even more annoyed that she was before. “Of course she is. Go figure.”

“I'm trying to keep her away,” Alex promised. She glanced to the envelope beside the bed, momentarily staring at it, then turning her attention back to Lena. “Have you read it?”

She repeated Alex's gaze, looking to the letter as well. “Not yet.”

“Have you figured out if you will?”

First she decided she would. She'd read it, she'd see what Kara could _possibly_ have to say. But then, she decided she wouldn't – she shouldn't have to. She wanted to know what it said, yet she _really_ didn't want to read it. So, no. No, she wouldn't look at it. But she might change her mind – she still didn't know. She wanted to hear what excuse Kara had to give, yet wanted nothing to do with her, all at the same time.

“I don't know.”

“Well, we won't talk about her, don't worry,” Alex assured before Lena could say anything. “Have you had any issues with this place? Anything I gotta take care of?”

“Well, this is day two of me not showing up to the office and also not giving Jess a reason as to why I'm not there, so she either thinks I’m in custody or that I'm having a mental breakdown, so I'm spending a good chunk of my time coming up with a lie that would explain how I'm definitely _not_ ,” Lena explained. “Got anything?”

“I'll try to brainstorm,” Alex promised. “That it?”

Lena thought it over, then scoffed. “I mean, they're trying to draw my blood, but I'm not trusting anyone to inject any sort of needle into my body. I tried to get them to let me do it, but _apparently_ I'm a risk to myself.”

Alex frowned, apparently confused. “Why won't you allow them to draw blood?”

“Gee, I don't know,” her anger was suddenly bubbling to the surface at being challenged. “Maybe because I just betrayed my terrorist of a mother, which landed her jail, and that said mother has minions everywhere?”

Alex took a deep breath. “Lena, you have every right to be worried, but–”

“No, don't _but_ that, Alex!” she seethed, instantaneously worked up again. “I'd be an idiot to let anyone inject me with anything! I'm not trusting a single soul until they show me accreditation.”

She felt Alex stare her down, deep in thought over whatever she wanted to ask, so Lena was already preparing to yell after Alex asked, “Would you trust me to?” as calm as she'd ever been.

That wasn't what she had been expecting, so for a moment she was too startled to respond. “What?”

“I can do a blood draw with my eyes closed. They're easy. And don't worry – I totally understand if we aren't at that level of trust right now – but if you'll let me, I'll do it. If it’s protocol, they’re gonna keep bugging you until you say yes.”

Lena didn’t trust Alex with muchof anything, but being poked with a needle was doable. She didn’t plan on telling Alex any deep, dark secrets of the past year, but she supposed a blood draw wouldn’t hurt. “If they let you… I would appreciate it. Six a.m. wake up calls are less than ideal.”

“Coming from someone who gets up at five every morning,” she teased.

“I’m in the hospital, Alex,” Lena grumbled. “Am I not supposed to be getting rest and drinking fluids?”

Alex laughed a little at that, giving in to the thought process. “I suppose you are.” Then, she reverted back to being serious. “And look, I don’t want to jinx it, but I _do_ want to say that I’m glad we’ve been talking the past few days. It means a lot that you're letting me see you.”

“She says as if I had an option in the matter,” Lena quipped.

“You could be a lot colder than you are,” she told her. “Hell, maybe I deserve colder. I don’t know. Regardless, I'm just glad I've gotten to visit. Thank you.”

Lena didn’t like the reminder that she was letting Alex in, or the sincerity and gratefulness that accompanied it, so it took everything in her to keep herself from returning to being distant and hostile. Instead, she was calm as she clarified, “We still aren’t friends.”

“I know,” Alex promised. “But I’m still hoping we will be one day.”

Lena stared at Alex, but didn’t put up as much of a fight. She was still angry, but she moved past the point of wanting to intentionally hurt her. It was clear that she was trying to be there. She was trying to prove how serious she was about reconciling, but it would take a little while longer for Lena to trust that this would stick. She hated herself for not being able to let it go, but what it all came down to was that Alex wouldn’t be talking with her right now had Lena not wanted to kill herself. And, yeah, maybe Lena was the one who pushed Alex out of her life, but in Lena’s defense, Alex didn’t exactly fight to stay in it.

“Yeah. We’ll see,” Lena tried to voice her uncertainty with gingerness. “Maybe one day.”

“Today’s just not that day.” Lena wasn’t sure who Alex’s words were meant to reassure. “And that's okay. At least we’re at maybe now.”

Lena tilted the corner of her lips upwards, but couldn’t manage a full smile. “Can we go see if you can do my blood draw now?”

Alex tried to read her, but she must have not been able to. “Are you upset with me?”

“No,” Lena said, despite sounding incredibly upset. “I’m just – things with you are tricky.”

“Because of Kara?”

“Because I have emotions,” she sighed tiredly. “You were my best friend – I obviously missed you. But, I'm also mad and resentful and, honestly, unsure of your intentions. I miss you, but I'm not at a point where I can trust you.”

“I'm not asking you to trust me, I'm asking you to open the door to trusting me one day.”

“And that door’s not shut, but…” Lena trailed off, unsure how to say what she knew Alex might find discouraging. “I’m not saying never, but one day could be far, far away, Alex. I don't know how quickly we can rebuild all of this – or if there's even anything left to rebuild.”

Alex just shrugged, sounding completely unbothered by her uncertainty. “We both have plenty of time to figure that out. I’m not going anywhere.”

Lena looked away, shaking her head. “I think we should go see if you can draw my blood.”

* * *

“Hey, do you have extra paper?” Sam asked after Lena finished recounting the story of Alex’s latest visit to her.

Lena stood up, going to the folder they’d given her when she was admitted and shuffling through the papers in it. “I have the back of a worksheet, but not blank paper.”

“That’ll do,” she waved for Lena to give it to her, then wrote down her ten digits. “I usually don’t trade numbers in places like this, but you seem like someone who won’t be unhealthy for me – and honestly, you need all the support you can get. Text me, or don’t, but I’m there if you need it. I just wanted to make sure you had it before I left.”

“What time are you getting discharged tomorrow?” Lena asked, finding herself genuinely disappointed she was leaving. She had grown accustomed to Sam’s company and words of wisdom.

“I’m not sure. They’re aiming for the morning, but discharges take forever,” she rolled her eyes. “I’ll try to say goodbye, but if not,” she motioned to the paper with her number. “Also, be careful who you keep in contact with here. I’ve been around these places enough to know a lot of these people aren’t like you. They’re bullshitting their way through this place and will be toxic to your recovery when they’re out of here.”

Lena laughed. “You might be my mentor through all this, you know?”

“I’ll help wherever I can,” Sam promised. She looked to the letter that was still sitting on the table between the head of their beds. “You ever gonna read that?”

Lena stared at her name again, pursing her lips as her heart clenched. “I’m not sure. Maybe.”

“If you are… do it here,” Sam advised. “Here you have the support for if you can’t handle it.”

The thought of not being able to handle a simple letter from her ex-girlfriend sounded weak, yet it was a genuine fear. Seeing her _name_ printed in Kara’s handwriting continuously made Lena’s stomach lurch. She wasn’t so sure reading an entire letter would go well.

“Yeah. I probably should, huh?”

But not yet. Maybe tomorrow.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I PROMISE there will be a Lena/Kara convo soon… Lena is just a lil moody right now and doesn’t want that.
> 
> Holla @ me on tumblr: shes-cured.tumblr.com


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> buckle up folks, it's emotional and angsty.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just to be clear, this is post season 2, but many years later. I’m not sure if I made that clear in past chapters. Basically, season 2 ended, then they eventually officially got together, then dated for six years, and have now been broken up for a year. Keeping that in mind will help this chapter make sense, because some things mentioned aren’t canon, they're just events that happened in their six years together.

Lena fiddled with the envelope in her room, glancing over to the bed Sam used to occupy. She had gone home an hour ago, leaving Lena to be alone again. With Sam, she felt like there had been someone besides the Danvers in her corner for a moment. It was nice while it lasted.

She looked back down to the letter, running her thumb along the seam that was already open, then slowly pulled the papers out of it.

Sure enough, just as expected, her heart skyrocketed upon seeing paragraphs in Kara's handwriting, words like, “can't” and “regret” and “sorry” jumping out at her. She unfolded the papers and sighed at the clump of them, realizing the letter may be longer than she had anticipated.

“Shit, Kara,” she murmured under her breath. “Go figure you'd ramble.”

She stared at the papers in her hands, but didn't focus on any words, trying to decide if this was really what she wanted to do. By opening it, she was already opening the flood gates, already letting Kara in further than she had been in well over a year.

Her eyes geared towards the top and she saw her name again. _Lena_.

Taking a deep breath, she decided she wanted to read it.

 

_Lena_

 

She paused again. She had to brace herself. Kara clearly had a lot to say and Lena was sure that she probably didn't want to hear half of it. Or maybe most of it. She didn't quite know. But regathering her thoughts, she focused on the loopy handwriting, trying to remember to breathe.

Maybe this was a bad idea _–_ it probably was. But she had to do it.

She looked down to the paper after a few moments of preparing herself. She could do this.

 

_Lena_

 

She glanced up, taking one last breath and nodding to herself. She could do this. She could handle a stupid letter.

 

_Lena,_

_I know the last thing you want to read is a letter from me – and I wish I could blame you for that. I promise that I'll stay away until you're ready – if you’re ever ready. And I can't blame you if you never are either. You have every reason to keep me out of your life. What I did isn’t okay, no matter how I try to justify it. I promise you, this letter isn’t written for justification purposes, it’s written because I need to say it. Some of it is in my language in case someone else happens to read this._

_I'm not sure if you'll decide to read all of this or if it’ll ever be opened, and if you decide to read it, I'm not sure you'll get this far in, because I know you have a hard time with being reminded of the bad things in your past, but I want you know how sorry I am. How sorry I have been. How sorry I always will be. I'm especially sorry that I'm now another bad thing in your past, because I know how good we used to be. You only deserve the good, and I’m sorry I ruined that._

_I’ve been meaning to send this for a while. Well, a version of this. I know you probably think I'm only writing you a letter because you're in the hospital, but that's not true. I have about fifty rough drafts of letters I've never sent and I'm compiling them all to fit here, because I know I only have one real shot left. Just know that having fifty drafts to compile means that this letter hasn't even started yet, so I hope you're willing to read at least five more pages of me rambling on about how sorry I am and how much I regret doing what I did. I don't think I'll ever regret something more than walking away from you._

_I remember when I first asked you out you were so stunned. And, wow, that first date was incredible. I couldn't believe how lucky I was to have even met someone like you, never mind snagged a date. You left me feeling on top of the world that day, and every day after. Every day you found a way to lift me further off the ground. I can't believe I let someone who could make me feel like that go. I really can't._

_It sounds over dramatic, but you truly impacted my life in the most profound way. In fact, I’ve never met someone as life changing as you – I can guarantee there isn't anyone on any planet or in any universe. You’re beautiful and kind and have an alluring aura, and that’s all great, but more importantly, you made me feel as if I could do anything. You made me feel empowered beyond the whole zhiuraogrhys [superpowers] thing every single day. When I was angry and over-emotional your freakishly rational side always comforted me until I saw things for how they were. When I was out of control from your family infecting me with iahr kryptahnynj [red kryptonite], you handled it so beautifully that I could’ve cried. You never held the awful things I said over my head, and it takes a special person to let those kind of words go. When I put zhiugedhyv [Supergirl] or Alex above you too often, you always handled it so much better than when I handled you putting L-Corp above me. I wish I could be half the person you are. Let's just say I know what I lost._

_I’m not sure if this letter is inappropriate or outdated considering we haven't had a proper conversation since splitting ways – another thing I'm sorry for – but I hope you've always assumed I spent my time apart from you drifting between excessively crying and dramatically weeping. It took until three weeks ago to realize I went an entire day without crying over how much I miss you or how much I lost when I lost you. I always knew it’d be painful if we ever broke up, but I didn’t know a pain like this was possible. Losing someone as incredible as you broke me into shards that I’m not sure will ever be fully put back together. And I’m not sure I’ll ever be through with grieving the loss of you._

_And once again, I’m not writing these things because you're in the hospital or I think you need a pick-me-up. I’m writing them because you've always been someone worth missing. These are all the things I’ve been wanting to say, but was too scared to. Trust me, I’ve_ been _missing you, Lena. I swear. I wish I would’ve had the guts to make that known before it came to this._

_I told you if I were braver I would've married you, but that's putting it politely, because if I were braver, I would’ve done a lot of things._

_If I were braver, I would’ve gone up to your office and said what I so badly wanted to say when I went and stood outside L-Corp everyday the month following our break up. I could never bring myself to walk in, so I just stood at the bottom step outside and stared. Sometimes I wondered if you ever saw me. I wondered what you were working on, I’d listen to see if you were there. Sometimes I just needed to hear your voice. And I always wanted to go in, to talk to you, to apologize. I always wanted to get over my anxieties and go make things right between us. I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. If I were braver I wouldn’t have let fear hold me back. But you’re the one person I’m terrified of._

_Then, after being cowardly for months, it felt too late. When I finally did have the courage, I became scared that I’d go in, say what should’ve been said a long time ago, and you would’ve already moved on, or you would’ve been angrier at me than I could've handled, or – the worst one – laughed about how I'm a little too late to be saying how sorry I am. Because I am sorry. There hasn't been a single second where I wasn't. Walking out of that diner in Paris the night you proposed… I was sorry then too. Because I knew what I was doing as I was doing it, but… Lena, you're terrifying._

_And I know. I_ know _that's a cop out. The whole, “I was scared” trope is a total cop out. It is. But it's also real. Because there are so many things that scare me and ninety-nine percent of them involve you._

 _I was scared you'd put yourself in harm’s way for my benefit, because you are_ the _most selfless person I know. It would've killed me if you were selfless for my benefit to the point of hurting yourself – or worse._

_I was scared I'd come between you and your family, because I know how hard it is for you, and how much you care, even though you wish you could turn it off. I know your life is already a delicate balance of letting their memories go while holding on to the good things they had to offer. I know you still have to fight against their constant attempts to contact you, because you want to believe they changed. And I didn’t want to be a barrier if you decided to forgive them, because I know how badly you’ve wished for a family… which is something I can’t give you. At least, not a normal one. Not with two kids that have your genes and and a normal American life. I don’t know how to emphasize how much more you deserve than what I could’ve given you, because, yeah, I can give you the world, but you deserve an entire universe, Lena._

_Above all, though, above everything else, I was scared you'd regret it. I was scared you'd wake up in six months, with our wedding quickly approaching, and you'd lay in bed wondering how to get out of it. Because you don't need anything or anyone in your life, yet it felt like you needed me. And it was only a matter of time until you realized you didn’t. You’re the strongest, most independent person I know – and god, do I love that about you. I love that so much. But in my moment of panic I thought, what if you wake up one day and finally see I’m not something you need in your life? Because you’d eventually realize I’m just Kara and you’re Lena. I was worried I'd tie you down and you'd be unhappy, yet unwilling to tell me._

_But I realized a long time ago that it was wrong of me to decide all that for you. I know now that I should’ve talked to you about all these things, because I took my fears into account, but I didn’t give you a chance to voice yours. I should’ve given you a chance. I’m sorry for that. I’m sorry for everything. I really am. I don’t know how to emphasize that enough._

_I know you don’t want to hear it, and I know I’m about thirteen months too late, but I love you, Lena. I think I’ll always love you. You doing what you did with your mom… it was stupid and insane, but also so incredibly you. You’re always looking out for me, and I always want to look out for you too. I hope one day you’ll let me do that again. And I hope one day we talk. Really talk. Not through letters or in an interrogation room, but me and you. I want there to be a me and you again, even if it’s only as friends. I don’t like living my life without you in it. It doesn’t feel like mine anymore._

_So, if you’ve read all this, if you’ve gotten this far, know three things: I’m sorry, I love you, and the ball’s in your court. Whatever you want, I’ll respect. Just know that I’m sorry, I love you, and whatever comes next for us is up to you. I understand whatever choice you make._

_I love you, Lena._

_–Kara_

 

On second thought, maybe she couldn’t handle a stupid letter.

Sitting on her thin mattress, she found herself crying again, because she missed that so much. She missed that authentic, heart-bearing version of Kara so, so, _so_ much. What Kara did was shitty, but everything she did before they split ways… If you asked her a year ago, Lena would've swore the sun shone out of her ass. Kara was special enough to make some nights still ache at the core from missing her, and _God_ , tonight was suddenly one of those nights.

She worried she'd never love anyone like that again. Maybe Kara was it for her. Maybe that was as good as it would ever get. As hard as she could try, Lena knew she probably wouldn’t feel so loved and in love again _–_ at least, not to that extent. That sort of love wouldn't come around twice.

The thought in itself was terrifying enough to make her want to die for the first time in almost forty-eight hours, because maybe she had already lived the best years of her life. They might have passed before her eyes. What she once thought would be endless days filled with Kara had turned into a six year romance with a shot down proposal.

The memories in Paris a year ago were so grand. Visiting the Eiffel Tower, spending time with Kara without Supergirl involved, walking around to see the quaint diners and shops that National City didn’t offer… it was perfect. Then, the memory of their last night together set in. The fireworks brightening up the night sky, the gourmet meal, the ring… and then, Kara leaving.

She said goodbye _–_ she had the decency to go back to the hotel and say goodbye – but they didn’t fly home together. Lena went on a plane and Kara went on her own journey. She wasn’t sure where Kara went, because Alex still picked her up at the airport as planned, her confusion apparent as she asked where Kara was. Having to deal with it was one thing, but being the one to explain it to Alex was another.

So, while the letter was cute, it didn’t outweigh the feeling of being abandoned in Paris after giving it her all. Kara’s fear didn’t erase how hard that eleven hour flight back to National City was, sitting alone and trying not to cry in front of the nine year old girl and her mother sitting beside her. Kara’s lovely heartfelt letter didn’t change the nights Lena slept at L-Corp because her apartment had too many memories of the two of them. It didn’t stop how fucking lonely the past year had been.

After the nostalgia came the rage and Lena took the pieces of paper she just read, beginning to mark them up. She had a lot to say in response to that and needed to take notes to remember it all. It was time Kara did visit, because now Lena had plenty to say.

* * *

When Alex came to visit that night, Lena was still too mad to speak. Alex tried to start conversations, but Lena would either shrug or give short responses, because suddenly everything was fresh. Old scars became open wounds with that letter. Alex was still Kara’s sister. And Kara still killed her. She might still be breathing, but she was also pretty dead.

“Are you okay?” Alex finally asked. “You seem angry with me again, but I thought we were doing a bit better.”

Lena shook her head, but stayed curt. “I’m not angry with you.”

She could tell Alex heard the edge in her voice loud and clear, but she didn’t call her on it. “Okay. Well, let me know if I can do anything.”

Lena nodded, then sat there, Alex sitting beside her as silence once again settled over them. Alex was continuously looking around, seeming to be unsure of what to focus on.

“I read the letter,” Lena finally spoke up. “And I want to see her.”

“Kara?” Alex was clearly surprised.

Lena looked at her, nodding with a fire blazing inside her. “Yes. Kara.”

Alex held her breath, then asked the question. “Is _she_ the one you’re mad at?”

“Perhaps,” she grumbled. “I have a lot to say to her.”

“Okay,” Alex accepted, not hiding the way she was trying to gauge Lena's anger. “I’ll tell her. Should I come with?”

“No.” Her answer was immediate. “This is between me and Kara.”

She felt Alex’s stare on her, then a wary tone came through. “Are you sure? Because you seem like you could use a neutral party in the room.“

“I don’t need supervision,” she spoke through gritted teeth. “It’s between me and your sister, Alex. Don’t get in the middle. It's not a place you want to be.”

Alex looked away at the finality, raising her eyebrows and licking her lips in defeat. “Okay. Right. You and Kara.” She didn't bother to hide how much she didn’t approve of the plan. “I’ll tell her.”

When silence settled over them, Alex’s eyes caught on the envelope that was now turned over so that Lena’s name was facing downwards and the back of the envelope was upwards.

“It's really that bad?”

Lena wanted to scream at Alex for being so intrusive and nosy and big sister-y, but then she recoiled. She wasn’t mad at Alex. And lashing out at Alex wouldn’t fix her situation. So, she withdrew the malice she wanted to spread and made sure her voice came out calm as day.

“It’s between me and Kara.”

* * *

“Have you had any suicidal thoughts in the past twenty-four hours?” A nurse asked what Lena was starting to consider a perfectly normal question when she went to get her night med.

Lena glanced at nothing out of the corner of her eye, trying not to glare. She wasn’t angry at the world, she was angry at Kara. She had to remember that. Still, her voice came out dark and bitter. “Yes.”

“I’m sorry to hear that,” the nurse dismissed her hostility. “Do you have a plan?”

“Nothing that can be done here,” she muttered.

The nurse looked to her, handing over the medicine cup and watching her down the pill. “Would you act on the thoughts if you weren’t here?”

Lena thought it over, realizing she didn’t really know the answer. Usually, when she got the urge to kill herself, she was committed to it. She’d immediately resort to having intent. But right now she didn’t know how serious it was, because the thought was there, and she _really_ wanted to go through with it, but at the same time, killing herself felt… misplaced. It didn’t feel wrong, but it felt like it might not be the right time anymore. She wasn’t willing to put the idea off the table – she’d probably kill herself sooner or later – but for now, she was trying to work it out. She was trying to live, and dying and living couldn’t coexist.

“Who knows?” she avoided a real answer, throwing the medicine cup and water in the trash, and stalking back to her room.

She fell asleep to imaginary heated conversations with Kara, thinking of all the mean words she wanted to scream at her, while knowing she probably wouldn’t have the heart to do it.

* * *

“You’re nervous about something,” Psi told her as they waited for clinical therapy to start. “I can sense it.”

“You can sense she’s nervous because she looks nervous. Not because you can read her mind,” Imra all but rolled her eyes, then turned to Lena with genuine concern. “Are you okay, Lena?”

“I’m fine,” she mumbled.

Leslie had still been walking on eggshells around her, but she must have decided this was an okay time to join in. “This is about to be our process group, so if you need to process something now would be the time.”

“Yeah, you haven’t done that yet,” Imra agreed. “You should share.”

Psi let out a heavy breath, acting as if being here for this was a chore. “Our accented friend has a point. You might as well share.”

“Small group today,” Becky, their clinical therapist, walked in, sitting down at the head of their lopsided circle. “I hope you’ve all brought something to talk about.”

All three patients stared at Lena while she gritted her teeth, then eventually gave in. “I suppose I can talk.”

“It’s good to see you’re finally willing to share,” Becky smiled. “What’s going on with you, Lena?”

She scanned the room, having second thoughts about sharing, but also knowing that she probably wouldn’t be getting out of here until she was open with at least some of what was currently bothering her. “My ex is visiting me tonight.”

“Super–“

“Kara,” Lena corrected Leslie before she could finish, coming off more snippy than she would've liked to. “Supergirl was a casual thing. I don’t care about her. Kara… Kara is Kara. She’s… Kara.”

“This sounds like it might be a difficult visit,” Becky looked as if she was genuinely worried and not being paid to be. “Did you ask her to come?”

“Yeah. I have a lot of anger and need to yell at her to feel better,” Lena stated bluntly, causing Psi to laugh and Imra to glare at Psi’s poor manners.

Becky looked around the room, opening the floor to suggestions. “How have you all dealt with difficult conversations?”

“I choose not to have them.”

“The past few years I’ve electrocuted things.”

“Lately I’ve just been reading minds and going from there.”

Lena smiled at the wry, brutal honesty, watching Becky try to hide a smile of her own. “Well, here we’re trying to form _new_ habits. Have any of you learned Dearman yet?”

All four of them seemed to simultaneously look at one another until Becky began explaining again.

“So, one of the therapy skills we teach here is Dearman. It’s an assertiveness skill. It stands for describe, express, assert, reinforce, stay mindful, appear confident and negotiate,” she explained. “It’s a skill to help you get what you want out of a conversation. So, what do you want out of this visit from Kara, Lena?”

“I want,” she took a deep breath, thinking over how vulnerable she wanted to be in this group of people she barely knew. Eventually, she decided she might as well give it her all. She was past the point of having anything to lose. “I want her to know how badly she hurt me. How I’m still hurting from her. And that what she’s said is unfair and selfish and cowardly.”

“Okay,” Becky nodded, digesting the response. “So, the describe piece is describing the situation. Stick to the facts. Say things that can’t be disputed – preferably without using ‘you’ statements. Try to avoid ‘you’re selfish’ and instead say specific things that happened.”

Lena was half-bored, half-intrigued. She wasn’t sure if this would work, but she’d hear it out for now. “Okay.”

“The express piece is where you bring your feelings into account. Again, don’t use ‘you’ statements. Try to stick to ‘I’ statements and avoid strong language. Instead of ‘you pissed me off because you…’, say ‘I felt angry when you…’ and go from there. Using ‘I’ statements can make the other person feel less attacked. It stops them from putting up an automatic defense and encourages them to listen to what you’re saying. It might help to write this all out beforehand, too, so you know what you’re going to say.”

“Alright,” Lena took that in, trying to note the tip. That wasn’t half bad. “Assert?”

“Assert is saying exactly what you want. If you want her to do something, let her know. If you want her to say something, let her know. This might be as simple as, ‘I want an apology’ or as complex as ‘I want you to know how badly you’ve hurt me, and I’d like to see you do this-and-this to fix it’.”

Lena smiled, shaking her head with amusement. “Yeah, I’m not saying that second one.”

The group laughed and Becky shrugged. “Understandable. Reinforce is telling the other person what they get from it. Sometimes it’s explaining their benefit, but others they have no benefit, so you might just want to say ‘thank you’.”

“Her benefit is me not ruining her life.”

“I’d phrase it nicer than that,” Becky told a joke of her own. “Staying mindful means being aware while you’re saying all these things. Take note of your body language, your tone, how she's taking what you’re saying. Appear confident means saying what you need to say without seeming unsure that you’re doing the right thing. And negotiate is being willing to offer alternative solutions if yours isn’t received well – or knowing when there’s nothing to negotiate and you need to walk away.”

Lena pursed her lips, thinking it all over. “What if I don’t know what I want from her long term?”

“That’s perfectly okay,” Becky assured her. “You didn’t think you’d live to see today. It’s okay to be uncertain of what you want to include in your future.”

It was Imra’s turn to ask a question. “What do you want from her tonight?”

She thought it over, because she hadn’t gotten that far. She knew she wanted to yell, but she didn’t know what she wanted the outcome to be. “I guess, I want her to show me she’s actually sorry.”

“So, an apology?” Leslie asked.

“Not really,” Lena squinted, trying to think of how to phrase it. “I want to see sincerity. I need more than words, I need to see that she truly regrets what she did and knows how badly she fucked me over.”

Psi tried to look uninterested, but curiosity shone through. “What did she do?”

And that was the question it took to shut the vulnerability down, because she was too humiliated of the answer. Admitting someone said no when she proposed wasn’t exactly a moment she planned to boast about. Her walls came up and darkness flooded back.

“She knows what she did.”

Imra stared with genuine concern while Psi rolled her eyes at the answer. Lena didn’t want to see Leslie’s expression, because she honestly didn’t care what Supergirl’s number one fan thought about her and Kara.

“I hope you see what you need to see,” Imra told her. “It’s clear that you care about her very much.”

But, god, Lena wished she didn’t. A life without caring for Kara would be much easier to live. But she didn’t foresee herself ever getting there. Even in her next life, she’d probably still love Kara Danvers. It would be just her luck.

“Thanks,” Lena forced a smile, sinking into her chair. “Someone else can go now.”

* * *

Lena paced back and forth in her room, drumming her finger against her thigh as she continued to run through what she’d be saying to Kara. She made promises to herself to exclude the words, ‘asshole’, ‘bitch’ and ‘god-awful person’, all of which she had planned to incorporate last night during her imaginary heated conversations.

She peeked out of the room to look at the clock and sighed. Three minutes. Visiting was in three minutes. Three minutes and Kara was going to be in this room. With her. Alone.

She took a deep breath, then tried to calm her heartbeat, because she knew Kara would be listening from the waiting room. She tried to steady her breathing and focus on something else. The last thing she needed was to see Kara’s worried eyes when she walked in.

She walked out of her room just in time to see the unit door open and a stream of visitors step in. She walked to the end of the hall to wait, scanning for Kara until she finally found her. She was staring at the floor, fiddling with her stud earring, twirling it around in its hole. At least Lena wasn’t the only one who was nervous.

“Ma’am,” the unit secretary called out, causing Kara to snap out of it. “You need to sign in.”

“Right,” she gave that nervous laugh Lena used to love. If she wasn’t so mad, she’d admit that she was still quite fond of it.

Kara signed her name, then finally looked over to the rest of the unit, meeting Lena’s eyes at once. For the first time, Lena felt self conscious of how she looked. She was in worn out clothes and her hair was a knotted mess. She didn’t even have her contacts and she’d do just about anything for some lipstick right about now. They both stood still until Kara finally kept moving.

“Hey.”

Lena gulped down the lump in her throat, urging herself to remain strong. This was just one girl. But at the same time, she couldn't help but chime the name, because this was, “Kara.”

She watched her ponytail sway back and forth as she adjusted her glasses. “Yeah. Hi, Lena.”

In the blink of an eye, what had been exclusively anger all day turned into sorrow and heartbreak and absolute devastation. She was here, she was so close, yet she wasn’t anything like the Kara she had known all that time ago. There was a distance between them that was palpable, and Lena found herself less angry and more nostalgic.

“I asked for a group room near the end of the hallway. I didn’t want us to be interrupted,” she explained, turning around to lead them.

Kara’s voice was lighthearted behind her as she followed, but Lena heard the trepidation. “Yeah, I heard you’re mad.”

“Yeah,” Lena glanced back, trying to bring the rage back. It was so much easier being enraged than it was being heartbroken. “A little.”

When they were in the group room, Kara moved to shut the door, but Lena stopped her.

“We have to keep it open. It’s protocol. To make sure I’m… you know, that I don’t… hurt myself,” she mumbled. “Or whatever.”

A darkness washed across Kara’s eyes for a moment, then a split second later they were masked again. “Are you okay?”

Lena stared at her, wondering if she wanted to be honest. After a moment, she closed her eyes and opted for a nod. “I’m getting there.”

She didn’t expect Kara to let out such a heavy sigh of relief, but she did. It was as if she had been holding her breath about it for days. Lena didn’t want to think that maybe she had. Kara was the villain. Kara was the person who ruined her. Kara didn’t care. She had to remember that. She couldn't possibly care after doing what she did – no matter how nice her words were or how concerned she seemed to be.

“So, uh,” Kara moved a hand to scratch the back of her neck, then glanced down at the envelope Lena was holding. “I’m guessing you read it? That’s why you’re mad?”

“In group therapy, we learned about assertive communication today. So, the therapeutic way of saying this is that I read the letter. I heard what you had to say. But it brought up a lot of emotions too – which was to be expected, I suppose. But the further I read, the more angry I felt. I feel like you left me behind without looking back, and it seemed like that letter was to make you feel better. So, I want to hear from you – to see from you – that you truly are sorry. Because as kind as some of those words are, I have a hard time believing them, and if I can’t believe them, there’s no repairing anything,” Lena cited in the new format she had learned. Then, she crossed her arms. “Now, the Luthor way of saying this,” she pulled the letter out of the envelope with all it’s annotations, “is that you were unfair in this. You were _scared_?”

“I was,” she murmured.

Lena shook her head, unable to stop the accusatory glare. “No, _I_ was scared. I proposed to you and you left. You met me at the hotel, we had a brief conversation, you said our relationship was too much for you, and you flew away while I had to sit on an eleven-hour flight alone after having my heartbroken.”

Kara pursed her lips, challenging that. “You honestly think sitting next to the person who broke your heart for that whole flight would’ve made it better?”

“Probably not,” she admitted. “But at least I wouldn’t have felt so alone.”

Upon the words slipping out, Kara looked down with shame. “I didn’t mean to make you feel that way.”

“Yet I felt it nonetheless,” she quipped. Then, she glanced at the letter and felt something boiling inside – something more than the word ‘rage’ could explain. “You said I was the most independent person you know.”

“Because you are.”

“That I didn’t need anything in life.”

“Because you don’t.”

Lena shook her head, letting out a bitter laugh at the thoughts. “Do you honestly believe that, Kara?”

Even though she looked unsure, Kara also looked one-hundred percent certain. “You never got attached to anyone–“

“Until you,” Lena sharply cut her off. “You're right. I never got attached until _you_. Because I loved you! I – Kara, you were my entire world. I would’ve done anything for you. I needed _you_ more than ever. And even if I woke up one day and didn’t need you – even if I decided I was fine on my own, I’d still _want_ you by my side. Because you made the worst days seem pretty okay. When I fell short, you made me feel like I wasn’t a complete failure. You taught me about love, about forgiveness, about how weightless one person could make you feel. Everything you felt about me, I felt about you. Your love saved me time and time again – I _needed_ that sort of love in my life. But you decided I didn’t – you decided I'd be perfectly fine without you. And honestly, I’m not so sure we’d be standing in a psych ward if you hadn’t made those decisions for me.”

She watched Kara readjust her glasses again, her fingers going under them to wipe away tears.

“Don’t get me wrong. This isn’t your fault,” Lena assured her, softening at the sight of tears. “To be honest, I was probably depressed even when we were together. But you kept me sane enough to avoid the deep end. I’ve always had this dark side, we both knew that, we spent countless nights fighting it together, but with you there, I had someone to fight with. That made all the difference. And I don’t know how you couldn’t see how much I needed it.”

“I am _sorry_ , Lena,” Kara’s voice wavered. “You have to know how sorry I am. I – I’d do anything to change both where we are and who we are, because I’m not the same person I was when I had you. And I miss that person.”

Lena reeled herself in, once again trying to keep rage in the forefront as she only felt sadness creep in further. “I know the feeling.”

“If I had a time machine, I wouldn’t change much – I wouldn’t even change Krypton dying, if we’re being honest! But I’d change what happened in Paris in a heartbeat,” Kara said with such a earnestness that Lena wanted to believe her. “Without thinking twice, I’d change it. I’d say yes, I’d let us have a happily ever after. That’s the one thing I’d go back and alter forever. I _hate_ that I can’t.”

Lena’s bottom lip quivered for a moment and she felt tears in the back of her eyes, so she continued her speech before they fell.

“I haven’t gotten to what the worst part of this letter is,” Lena told her, her voice hushed hide how close she was outright crying. She knew Kara could see the tears in her eyes, but nothing sounded worse than her voice when she was crying. It always sounded so weak. “The worst part of this whole letter is that it had some really, _really_ kind things in it. And I was doing so good at vilifying you. I had every reason to hate you, because what you did was heartless and you never so much as apologized, but this… I want to keep hating you, Kara. I want to be able to bury you in my past without any regrets, because you killed me, and I can’t risk being hurt like that again. But then…” Lena tried to laugh, but it came out bitter and dry. “Then you say things like _that_ , and it shows how you’re a human with fears and flaws of your own. That you’re _not_ a villain in my story. Or, at least, not as big of one as I want you to be. And I don’t know what to do with that, because I don’t know how to open my heart to you without being reminded of what happened. I don’t know how to let you into my life after doing such an awful thing.”

Kara took a hesitant step closer, but didn’t move too much. She reached out, but then retracted her hand. Lena didn’t know if she was happy or sad to miss out on her touch. “Don’t trust me like that, because I don’t trust myself. I don’t intend to hurt you, but if I can do something that senseless just – please. I–“ she cut herself off, shaking her head with genuinely terrified eyes. “I don’t want to hurt you like that again – and I’m afraid I will on accident. So, if you need to be guarded, do it, because I never, ever, _ever_ want to have that power again. Hurting you once was too much already. I – If I accidentally did that again I don’t know what I’d do.”

Lena let out a bittersweet smile at Kara’s sincerity, wishing it wasn’t so apparent. Because Lena did. She wanted to hate her. Hating her was so much easier than dealing with whatever feelings were coming to the surface right now. She felt like she was a jumbled up mess inside and wasn’t sure where to begin untangling herself.

“I guess for once we’re scared of the same thing,” she finally proclaimed.

Tears still glimmered in Kara’s eyes as fear shone through. “I don’t want to hurt you again, Lena.”

“And I don’t want to be hurt,” she reciprocated. She pursed her lips, staring at her with uncertainty. “But where do we go with all that being said?”

“I do love you,” Kara promised. “I know I haven’t shown it well, but I’ll probably always love you, Lena – it’s one of those things that will always just kinda be there. But after what I did… it was a mistake, and I realize it was wrong, but I never want to be that wrong again. I don’t want to have the power to hurt you like that.”

“But, see, that’s the thing,” Lena sadly smiled. “You’re Kara Danvers. You’ll always have more power to hurt me than anyone.”

Kara looked to the floor, taking a deep, unsteady breath. “I’m sorry, Lena. I am–“

“I know you are,” she promised, finding her voice oddly… gentle. One thing she never thought she’d be was gentle during their visit. “Seeing you has made it clear that you might be angrier with yourself than I am.”

Kara clenched her teeth together and Lena watched pain pour out of her before she regained her collected composure. “Some things are unforgivable.”

And to be quite honest, Lena was still trying to decide if what Kara did was one of them. Maybe she could forgive her, somewhere down the line. Maybe she already had, maybe that’s why it was so hard to keep being angry. She just didn’t know yet.

“I don’t want what you did to be unforgivable.”

Kara looked up, asking the question of a year. “But is it?”

And just like that, Lena looked down. “I don’t know.”

There was a momentary silence, then Kara spoke again, her voice still shaky and fragile. “I don’t want you to let me all the way in, but I don’t want you to hate me either.”

“I know,” Lena sighed. “I don’t want that either.”

“We don’t even have to be friends!” Kara rushed out. “I just don’t want to be the person that you want to see the least in life.”

Lena wished she could say that statement had been untrue. She wished she could protest how she’d rather see Kara over her mother, but for the past year that hadn’t been the case. Seeing her mother was hard, but seeing Kara had been downright destructive.

“For my own wellbeing, I can’t let you in again, but maybe we can start to coexist,” Lena offered, wondering if this was an example of setting a boundary. “I don’t want to have to turn and face the other way when I see you. We can be friendly without being friends.”

“Waving from across the room is all I want,” Kara promised. “I don’t want to push you. I don’t want to do what I did again either.”

A counselor came in, interrupting the conversation. “Visiting is over, ladies.”

Lena looked down, then glanced up at Kara again. “So, is that what we’re doing? Coexisting?”

“Coexisting,” Kara agreed. “That’s perfect.”

They both began to move out of the room and Lena walked to the end of the hallway. It felt like they should hug, but at the same time Lena wasn’t so sure either of them would be able to handle such a thing. Kara must have thought the same, because she didn’t try to initiate one, despite being the most affectionate person in the world.

Before she left, Lena did grab her arm. Her voice was the warmest it had been in months. “You need forgive yourself for it. Even if I can’t… you need to, Kara.”

The corner of her lips turned upwards, but she didn’t make any promises. “I’m not so sure that’s possible, but I’ll try.”

And out of all the ways their visit could’ve gone, out of all the possible outcomes, Lena never would’ve expected to be walking away wondering if Kara might have hurt herself even more than Lena when she bailed. For the first time, Lena wondered who was aching and longing the most. Maybe it wasn’t her after all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> you can yell at me at on tumblr: shes-cured.tumblr.com


	5. Chapter 5

“So, how did your visit with Kara go?” Dr. Morrison inquired the next day. “Did you have it?”

“I did,” Lena answered curtly, still not used to letting strangers into her personal life – and the subject of Kara was as personal as it got. “It was… surprisingly okay.”

“And the suicidal thoughts from the night before? Did they re-emerge?”

“They–” Lena thought it over, then frowned for a moment. “I guess they were non-existent last night. The visit went better than expected. It almost left me feeling more at ease with everything.”

“It sounds like it went _much_ better than expected,” the doctor smiled. “And do you feel like you could've handled those thoughts from two nights ago safely had you not been here?”

Somehow, the idea of leaving this safety net had gone from ideal to terrifying over the past few days. When she came, all she wanted to do was get out, but now she was nervous to leave. Things were safe here. There weren't any stressors in here. When she got out, everything would be back to how they were, except for her mindset. She hoped she could handle her life without going off the deep end. And for the most part, she thought she could now. She was willing to give life a try. The simple truth was, she probably would've been okay during her period of suicidal thoughts the other night.

“It would've been hard to go through alone, but… yeah, I think I would've been alright,” Lena perked up at the thought.

Dr. Morrison looked happy with the answer as well, looking at Lena with pride and encouragement. “I think it's time to start discussing discharge, then. It's time to live the rest of your life.”

Somehow, even though Lena knew that her time here was inevitably going to end soon, she was still surprised to hear it mentioned. “Discharge?”

“If you feel you can be safe outside of the hospital, it sounds like you're ready to go home,” she smiled. “Do you feel ready?”

“I mean, I hadn't thought about it,” Lena took a moment to think it over. “I – maybe. I feel more willing to try to battle suicidal stuff when it comes, but I still get the thoughts. They're not totally gone.”

Dr. Morrison nodded with understanding, then explained that, “Some people always have suicidal thoughts pop up. But it gets to a point where they're more of a nuisance than a threat to your life. You'll get it, then brush it off just as easily. Suicidal thoughts are a reason to be concerned, but they're not always a reason to be hospitalized. If you feel you can be safe despite the thoughts, our job is done. More work can be done in the community than here.”

And while Lena had made her peace with the whole ‘clinically depressed’ thing, being totally okay with lifelong suicidality still sounded far-fetched. “So, some people just accept being chronically wanting to die? I kind of thought of this whole hospitalization thing as a means to an end for the suicidal part of me.”

“It might be,” she offered. “Sometimes depression is situational, but sometimes not. Just like any other mental illness, sometimes depression is a continual battle. Some people need to accept that they might always feel suicidal at times to some degree. It's just like when there's an underlying mood disorder, such as bipolar, where someone might be okay and symptom free, but they know that a severe episode is eventually going to be right around the corner. They know they won't be okay forever. Or someone with schizophrenia can be completely stable, but they also know that they can become paranoid or hallucinate again out of absolutely no where,” she narrated what sounded like very sad lives to her. “Sometimes the biggest hurdle is becoming okay that mental health might be something you have to monitor for the rest of your life. And realizing that just because you sometimes struggle doesn't mean you can't live a full life. Finding beauty in the good times is powerful. Learning to enjoy depression-free times without waiting for the other shoe to drop might be something you have to do. On the other hand, in six months you might be entirely okay.”

Lena thought of Sam. It was weird to think that at one point, before being so okay with her disorder, she had been in Lena's shoes. She had never considered how much acceptance it must have taken to be truly okay with knowing that she'd have to deal with such severe symptoms her whole life. It wasn't going away for her, but Sam seemed so okay with it that it was hard to imagine a time where she hadn't been.

But Lena didn't feel like Sam. What she had wasn't that severe. She felt like this was practically just a phase, just a bit of depression for a bit. It would go away. Eventually, it had to, right?

“And me?” she turned the question to the doctor. “Do you think my depression is situational?”

“I think that's something you'll figure out as you go,” Dr. Morrison tossed back. “But the greatest thing is that now you're willing to live long enough to figure it out. And if it's any condolence, with therapy, and medication when it's needed, depression and anxiety have the highest recovery rates out of all mental illnesses.”

Lena still wasn't exactly thrilled about living, and her idea of humor hadn't changed from being dark and incredibly morbid, but it was true that she regained her will to live, and that was a start. She might not be cured, she might still feel a dark cloud hanging over her ninety percent of the time, but at least that dark cloud wasn't all encompassing anymore. At least she didn't want to die all the time. And a part of her wanted to have hope that maybe this depression truly was situational. Maybe if she took the right steps and gathered a better support system, things would be the way they were before. She had a hard time remembering the before, the time when she didn't feel so gloomy, but she knew that before had existed once upon a time.

“You've been holding your breath for a while, but it's time to breathe again, Lena,” Dr. Morrison gave a warm smile. “You aren't in this alone anymore. You came here for help and now things are being addressed. You're getting the help you need and doing the work it takes to get better. I hope you continue to do so outside of here, because you're taking the right steps.”

Lena almost let out a true breath of fresh air at the thought. She still felt alone at times, but she also felt better equipped to handle that loneliness. And the suicidal part of her, the part she'd hidden for so long from everyone including her therapist was out in the open. There were no secrets weighing her down, and while that form of transparency was terrifying, it was also liberating.

“Thank you, Dr. Morrison.”

Lena received the warmest smile. “It was a pleasure to assist. We’ll check in again tomorrow.”

* * *

Discharge was all fun and games until Lena remembered she needed to find a way home. She could call her driver, but that would mean he'd know she was in the hospital, which would raise way too many questions. She could call Jess, but that would involve the same dilemma. She considered calling Sam, but seeing as she wasn't even supposed to have her phone number, Sam picking her up seemed like a bad idea too. Which left her with one person.

“I – uh,” Lena glanced to Alex at visiting, fumbling with her fingers. “I think I'm being discharged tomorrow.”

Excitement filled Alex’s expression and a wide smile came to her face. “Really? They think you're ready?”

“They do,” Lena wore a proud smile of her own. “They said if things stay status quo tomorrow is the day.”

“That's amazing!” Alex beamed. “And you're being honest with them, right? You genuinely feel ready for this?”

Lena paused, contemplating if she wanted to open up about what was going on. Her and Alex had seen each other almost every day since she'd gotten admitted, but they hadn't talked much about what landed her here in the first place. The topic of suicide and strong emotions were avoided and shut down when Alex tried to bring them up. But maybe Alex deserved to be let in a little more. She was trying. Lena couldn't miss how much she was trying.

“I still have moments where I want to off myself,” she slowly proclaimed, gauging Alex's expression. “For example, after reading Kara's letter… That was a rough night for me. But now the thoughts have less conviction. It's like, I think about killing myself, but I don't necessarily feel the need to follow through.”

Alex grinned, moving to wrap her arms around Lena tighter than she had in a long while. “That's a start. That's a _great_ start.”

“Yeah, but uh, since I was, you know, forced in here against my will,” she gave Alex a wry smile to let her know she was teasing this time. The anger had (mostly) evaporated. “I was wondering if you could pick me up when all the paperwork is done and I’m good to go? I know you're busy with the DEO, so it's fine if you can’t, just… yeah, thought I'd ask. I can get an Uber if you can't.”

“I'm not too busy to come get you,” Alex rolled her eyes, dismissing the idea entirely. “I'd be honored. I'm excited for you and already told you, I want to help however I can.”

Lena looked to the ceiling and begrudgingly admitted that, “While I tried really hard to stay mad at you, I'll give credit where it's due and say you _have_ been a huge help. And your visits did make my stay here less lonely, despite my initial attitude.”

“You had an attitude?” Alex pretended to not to notice what Lena was positive had been impossible to ignore. “I didn't even notice.”

She smiled with amusement, tilting her head with a knowing voice. “It's okay to admit I was probably more hostile than necessary the first couple days.”

“Maybe. But maybe not,” Alex argued. “You were going through a lot. I was forcing you in here, then you had just seen Kara… everything from the past year came back to haunt you. I might not have burned you as bad as Kara, but I was still a sore spot, and in your mind I'm the one that put you here – hell, maybe I still am. I'd probably be pretty pissed off too if I were you.”

“I know, but you were just trying to help.”

“I was. But you weren't ready for that,” Alex shrugged off. “That's okay.”

“Well, now that I've had time to calm down, rationally I know that you kind of saved my life,” Lena admitted. “I wouldn't be alive if it weren't for you, so all exaggerations aside, you really did save me. I'm sorry for being so hateful when you were just trying to keep me alive.”

“You didn't see it that way at the time,” Alex acknowledged, shrugging Lena's prior anger aside. “In your mind saving your life equated to ruining your life. I understood where you were coming from. Don't worry.”

Lena looked at her, unsure of how true that was. “Still. I'm sorry for the jabs.”

Alex smiled, wrapping her arms back around Lena. “No apology needed. I'm just glad you're feeling better.”

“I am,” Lena smiled, but it was short lived as worry filled her expression. “But in all honesty, what should I expect public opinion of me to be when I get out of here?”

“Well,” Alex thought it over. “Right now, everyone in National City adores you.”

“They adore me?” Lena mimicked with skepticism, furrowing her eyebrows and tilting her head to the side. “ _Really_?”

“And truly,” Alex confirmed.

Lena stared at her, then gave in and took the bait. “Alright, well are you going to tell me _why_? I'm a smidge behind on news updates, but last I checked my mugshot was on the front page.”

“I can tell you,” Alex shuffled her position, suddenly appearing to be nervous, “but I need to mention She Who Must Not Be Named in order to do so.”

“Kara?” Lena clarified.

Her interest piqued as Alex nodded in confirmation. Saying she was curious was an understatement. Lena was more than curious of what Kara could've done to change public opinion of her – or, better yet, why she would do it. They had already somewhat made amends, so it's not like Kara had anything left to prove. And while she used to be quite the complimentary writer when it regarded her, Lena was still fairly certain that even top journalist Kara Danvers couldn't be persuasive enough to change the outlook of an entire city.

“Okay,” Lena gave her permission to continue. “Go on, then.”

“Well, Supergirl took an interview with Kara Danvers and she cleared everything up. She said you were working with the FBI and they knew of everything in advanced. Supergirl told Kara how you alerted her beforehand of what was going on, then were precise in your planning until you knew it was fool proof. She said there were no surprises and everything was planned, then talked about how your mother had bigger plans for alien terrorist attacks that can't happen thanks to you spoiling this plan for her, and… yeah. They all think you're a hero now.”

Lena smiled and shook her head. She looked to the ground, almost bashful that Kara would do such a thing. She was surprised to hear the amount of fondness in her own voice. “She didn't have to do that. I know she hates using Supergirl for personal matters.”

“I think it's safe to say she owed you one,” Alex laughed. “That's the absolute least she could do.”

“Well, be sure to tell her thank you for me. I remember how hard she tries to avoid tying Kara Danvers and Supergirl together in interviews.” And after so many _We’re not talking about Kara_ s, Lena couldn't believe she was opening the flood gates. “I'll admit, I had no idea how genuinely sorry she is about what happened. Yesterday proved to be enlightening.”

Alex peered upwards with surprise with the continuation of discussing her sister, then accepted the invitation to bring her back as a topic of conversation. “Oh. Yeah. She’s always been that sorry.”

Lena nodded, wanting to talk about her again, wanting to hear all about how her past year had been in depth, but also not ready to admit she would ever crave such a thing. Still, she had things she wanted to know – things she wouldn't ask Kara, even if they ever did regain a friendship one day.

“Was it as easy as she made it seem for her to move on after what happened?”

“What?” Alex looked genuinely surprised by the question, looking at Lena as if she grew another head. “What are you talking about?”

“I don't know,” Lena traced patterns on the comforter of her bed, suddenly uncomfortable under the incredulous gaze Alex had on. “I mean – she said she wanted to reach out, but she had my number. She could have. And I texted her a few times too. It's not like she didn't know where to find me. And Supergirl didn't look too distraught over it all either, so I guess I just… Her letter was so heartfelt, and she seemed _so_ sorry when she came to see me, but it always seemed so easy for her to forget what we had, you know?”

“Oh, Lena,” Alex cooed her name as if that was the misinterpretation of a lifetime. “Kara did _not_ move on easily – to be honest, I don't think she's even moved on today. She delved into Supergirl, because when she's Supergirl she isn't Kara Danvers. She doesn't have to be the girl with a broken heart when she's saving the world, and I think she tends to bury herself in that escape. But the moment that mask came off… it was _never_ easy for her. Not for a second. Believe me when I say that your pain was never one sided.”

Lena looked down, waiting for the explanation Alex hadn't offered. “Then why'd she never return my calls? Or my texts? I mean, it was like she blocked me, I went straight to voicemail every time.”

“Uh,” Alex gave a nervous laugh, looking like she was debating whether or not to share the information. “Kara kind of had a breakdown of her own after Paris. I texted her a _lot_ after I picked you up from the airport, because I was pissed, and confused, and wanted answers, and apparently she had enough of it, so she reset her phone, wiped the memory, then just… destroyed it. She was dropped it in the Mediterranean. It took her a week and a half after that to come home, then another nine months to get a new phone. She had her Supergirl phone, but… I mean, as I said, she wanted to escape being Kara Danvers however she could. I think cutting herself off from the world was just another way of doing so.”

Lena rose her eyebrows, slightly skeptical about it all. “That's quite the story.”

“You have my word that it's the truth,” Alex swore. And to this day, Alex had never broken her word, so Lena was forced to believe her.

Knowing that made her feel better about everything. It didn't fix it – Kara still cut her off without an explanation, apology, or sign of remorse – but it made things the tiniest bit better. And in a masochistic way, knowing that Kara hurt badly enough to destroy a cell phone made things feel even. It made it feel like she wasn't the only one hurting the past year.

“She wanted to go back to you,” Alex promised after Lena didn't respond. She always wanted to hear those words, but it was also overwhelming when they actually resonated through the air. “Winn, James, J’onn – especially me… her longing for you was apparent to us all. Grieving the loss of you broke my heart, because I cared for you so much, but it had nothing on what Kara went through. And now it's better. Or I thought it was, at least. I'm not sure right now, because you coming back… I’m suddenly wondering how much of her pain she just doesn't want me to know. Because she appears to be fine – she's really good at being fine, actually. But she's also solemn and burying herself in Supergirl again, so I just don't know.”

Lena faced downwards, running her fingers along her calf and focusing on the sensation to try and ground herself. “I might always be a little bitter, and I might never want her back in my life, but I do want her to forgive herself.” She looked up to meet Alex's eye, then looked down. “She made a mistake and screwed me over, but people do that, you know? I've screwed people over too – granted, never like that, but I have. I just don't want her to hold this against herself. I'll move on from it one day. I hope she will too.”

Alex smiled, nodding her head in reassurance. “She’ll be okay.”

“Yeah, I know,” Lena agreed. “But I want more than that for her. I want her to be happy.”

Alex let out a heavy sigh at the words. “Me too. But I hope you know you don't need to be the bigger person all the time. It's okay to wish her the worst.”

“I know. And sometimes I still do,” Lena admitted. “Sometimes I hope she'll never find a love that measures up to the one we shared. I wish her pretty awful things every now and then. But lately, most of the time, I'm over that. The past few days, I've had a lot of time to think – more time than I would’ve liked, if we’re being honest – and I've decided I’m over hating her. I'm over being angry. I'm over feeling the way I did before I ended up here. I used to love her more than I thought I was capable of loving anything, and how lucky was I to have that in my life, you know? Even if it wasn't as long as I wanted, I had it – for six _years,_ I had it. So, it hurts. She’ll always hurt a little, I think. But what will holding onto that anger do other than exhaust me?”

Alex stared, then furrowed her eyebrows with a confused sort of smile. “That's the most optimistic, yet legitimate thing I've ever heard from you.”

“I'm trying to implement what I'm being told here – I figure I'll give it a try first, then if it doesn't work I'll call bullshit. But one thing they've emphasized is that I can't change the past. I can be angry at it all I want, but I can't change it. Nothing will fix what happened between Kara and I, so I might as well focus less on resenting her and more on finding new people who make me feel the way she used to.”

She watched Alex nod in agreement. She looked sad, but also proud, and accepting of the idea that Lena and Kara might never be _Lena and Kara_ again. “You're right.”

“If I have to live, which I'm willing to temporarily try out, I might as well make the most of it,” Lena sighed. “I don't want to live being angry all the time.”

She was still overwhelmed every time she remembered she had an entire life yet to live. Before coming here, she assumed she was living her last days. She always thought she'd kill herself, at least before her next birthday. Now, as she tried to accept there were more options than death on the table, thinking of a future beyond tomorrow was overwhelming.

After being suicidal so long, thinking ‘worse comes to worst, I'll just kill myself,’ had became the comforting mantra she'd recite to herself after long days. It was basically her version of a pep talk. Learning to erase that would be a challenge. She wondered if there'd ever be a more comforting mantra, because she couldn't think of one so far.

“I know it might not mean anything coming from me, but I'm really proud of you, Lena.”

She smiled, looking to Alex and hoping her appreciation was evident. “It means everything coming from you. Thank you.”

She was beginning to think that maybe – just maybe – her and Alex might have something still worth saving. And maybe that wasn't a bad thing.

* * *

“Is today the day?” Dr. Morrison asked.

Lena found herself giving a genuine smile and nodding her head. “Yeah. I think it is.”

“Do you feel ready?”

“You know,” Lena scrunched her eyebrows, feeling oddly content with how things in her life were panning out, “It’s weird, because I do.”

“You've come a long way,” she acknowledged with that same prideful smile. Then, she turned around, typing away on her computer. “Who’s picking you up? I'll get your discharge started.”

She relayed the details to her, feeling like she was living an alternate life the entire time. She wasn't dead. In fact, she was consenting to living the rest of her life. And the weirdest part was that she wasn't dreading it.

She still wasn't willing to agree to the whole, ’it gets better’ scam yet, but she was willing to hold on a little longer and hope for the best. Maybe this was the start of getting better.

But at the same time, every time she pondered that she couldn't help but feel that it also could mean the other shoe would drop soon. Things felt okay now, so that meant misfortune must be on its way. Lena was trying to ignore that.

* * *

Lena sat next Psi who seemed to be no less manic than she was when she had first got there. 

“So, are you in the process of switching meds, or…?” Lena asked what she realized would be rudely blunt in the real world, but was perfectly normal in a psych ward.

“Oh, I’ve been refusing medications,” Psi explained matter-of-factly. “I mean, I was on them, but I went off about a month ago. I don't need them. They just want me to take them because they're trying to dampen my powers. I _can_ read minds – and control them! Right before they called a code on Mike yesterday, _I_ was controlling his mind. Why would I take medications that would end that? I'm not manic, I have a superpower.”

“If it's a superpower, wouldn't it still be there with the meds?”

“See? That's where they get you,” she clicked her tongue. “They'll _say_ they're psych meds, but I know how this stuff works. It'll _actually_ be something that would drain me of my powers and make me ordinary again – but I have powers because something extraordinary must be within me – not because I'm bipolar.”

“Right,” Lena clicked her tongue, recognizing a lost battle when she saw one. She reminded herself that she couldn't help those who didn't see a problem to begin with. “Well, I'm glad you've found something to make you feel so… elated.”

Psi rolled her eyes with pure irritation. “You're just like Imra. I'm not manic. Hell, maybe I'm not even bipolar.”

“Oh, you're bipolar,” Leslie laughed as she sat with them. “There's no doubt in my mind about that.”

“And what do you know about anything?” she sneered. “You're just jealous of me.”

Leslie actually laughed, not holding back the sarcasm. “Oh, yeah. _That's_ it. Totally.” Then, she turned to Lena. “Word on the street is that you're going home today.”

“Word is right,” she gave a small grin.

Leslie slid a piece of paper across the table. “If you ever need a friend.”

Looking down at the scrawled out phone number, Lena knew Leslie needed friends, but also remembered Sam telling her how toxic people here could be. As nice as Leslie seemed, she also seemed like she'd be one of those toxic people to her – at least when it came to recovery.

“Thanks,” Lena nodded, sliding the number she had no intention of using into her folder. “If I need it, I'll text you.”

* * *

Lena couldn't believe how amazing fresh air felt. She never thought she'd feel liberated from simply walking outside, but she did. Oh, she did. It was like walking on clouds.

At first things felt good – she saw the world in vivid colors – she felt on top of the world. Until she remembered that she was no longer under the safe shelter of a psych ward. This was reality. This was needing to explain to Jess where she'd been and not being intimidated by the fact that she had no idea what her future had in store. The hospital was like a pause button. In there, everything felt safe and in control, but now she was pressing play again and had no idea where life was about to take her.

So, she sat in the car with Alex, letting her mind race.

“Did you want me to stop anywhere? I can pick up food for you. Like, real food.”

Lena looked at Alex, absentmindedly shaking her head at the offer. “Can you bring me to the pharmacy near my apartment? After that I just want to be home.”

“Yeah,” Alex overcompensated in her compliance, unable to hide how she was hoping for a different answer. “Of course.”

They drove in silence, the radio playing softly in the background, but Lena was too deep in her thoughts for it to be an awkward silence.

What was she going to tell people? How was she going to explain just disappearing without a trace? People would know her phone was off since it would've gone straight to voicemail, so what was her explanation going to be? Everyone knew she was attached at the hip to it. And it's not like she could say where she really was. Not only was it too personal, it was embarrassing. She shouldn't have needed a psych ward. She was willing to accept she had, in fact, needed a psych ward, but the point was she shouldn't have.

“Are you okay?” Alex asked softly as they turned into the neighborhood of her apartment complex.

Lena sat straighter as if it proved how okay she must be. “Yeah. I'm good.”

Alex nodded. Her mouth parted as if she was going to ask a follow up, but then she sunk into her seat and kept driving.

“Thanks for taking me home.”

“It's the least I could do,” she assured her.

Alex pulled up to the curb, getting out of the car and opening the trunk. She handed Lena her bag of clothes, then hesitantly asked what must've been the thing that was preoccupying her thoughts the whole car ride. “Is this goodbye?”

Lena went to answer, but before she could, Alex rephrased it.

“I mean, is this the end of being in contact? Is it going to go back to before? Am I allowed to check in? Am I allowed to be in your life again? Or…” she took a deep breath, closing her eyes, then opening them as her words came out sounding so profound. “I'd miss you. But if you need this to be the end, you know I'd respect it. I don't want this to be the end, I want you to be a part of my life, but if you need this to be the last time we see each other, that's okay. It's totally okay. That’s what I'm trying to say.”

Lena blankly stared for a moment, because it had been a long while since someone seemed afraid that she'd reject them. Most people didn't care about her approval, nor were they even interested in it. Being wanted in any way was a forgotten feeling.

“I truly will understand if you need to make this a final goodbye,” Alex told her, the desperation for that not to be the case apparent in her eyes.

Lena still wasn’t sure how to handle Alex, but she knew she wanted to handle her somehow. She wanted Alex to be a part of her life again. Even if her relationship with Kara was merely strangers who were civil, she wanted to invite Alex back in. She just wasn’t sure how to go about it. They had worked through Lena’s resentment, but it would take a while to build up the relationship they once shared. Maybe they hadn’t lost it forever, but it might take a long time to rediscover.

“I don’t want this to be a final goodbye,” Lena husked out, wanting to laugh about how melodramatic it would all sound to an outsider listening in. “I missed you, and I need someone who knows me by my side right now. And as much as I sometimes hate it, you know me better than almost anyone.”

They both knew there was one person who'd always know Lena better than anyone – and she really would _always_ know her better, because Lena wasn't so sure she had it in her to expose her deepest self the way she had with Kara. She wasn't sure she could go through the pain of someone being so close and deciding to walk away a second time. It hurt too much. Being in love… it hurt more than Lena could've possibly imagined before she had her heart broken a year ago.

“I just,” Alex looked down, letting out a long sigh as she leaned against the trunk of her car. “I don’t want to force myself into your life. I _genuinely_ understand if everything that happened is beyond fixing.”

Lena gave a long sigh, then made her disclaimer. “I might never patch things up with your sister. Things with her… we might never be more than two people who wave at each other from across a crowded room. But I want to try to patch things up with you. If that’s okay.”

“It’s beyond okay,” Alex beamed at the answer.

Lena licked her lips with nervousness, bringing up the part she wanted to make sure Alex didn’t dismiss. “Even if Kara and I never fully make amends? If it’s only you I choose to repair things with, that's still okay?”

Alex let out an exaggerated long puff of air, shaking her head with a bittersweet smile of understanding. “I love my sister – you of all people know how much I _love_ my sister. But… she screwed you over, Lena. Like, she screwed you over _really_ bad. So, yeah, I love Kara more than anyone, but I also understand that sometimes you can’t allow people who hurt you that badly back into your life.”

Lena still felt guilty. “I don't want to annex her, I just–”

“You don't have to explain yourself to me,” she promised. “It's okay to look out for yourself. I'll always approve of you having your own back, even if it means not having hers.”

“I just wish I could have both,” Lena grimaced. “I wish things were different.”

“Me too,” Alex agreed. “But it’s not your fault that things are the way they are.”

Lena knew that. She did. But she still wished she could fix it.

She glanced back to her apartment complex. “I'm gonna go get settled. I guess this is a see you later?”

“See you later,” Alex agreed. “Call me soon.”

“I promise I will.”

Having one Danvers was better than none, she guessed. And, sure, she could have both, but for now that might be too many. For now, Kara didn't deserve a re-entrance. She might never deserve a re-entrance, if Lena was honest with herself. But Alex… that seemed to be worth fixing.

* * *

Lena glanced down at her phone, then the sheet of paper. She wanted to text Sam, but what should she say? Not to mention that only a handful of people had the number to her personal cell phone, and while she trusted Sam not to leak it to the press, the fact she was willing to give it out was intimidating. She hadn't given her personal number to anyone for months.

Finally, she settled for the heartfelt words she never got the chance to say back in the hospital. They came out so much easier over text.

_Hey! It's Lena. I'm out. I just wanted to thank you for being the best roommate. You made my stay seem so normal and I needed that so much. Your wisdom got me through. I hope you've been doing well in the free world!_

She took a deep breath, then pressed send. It only took a few minutes to get a text back.

_Hey! I'm glad you're out! I'm doing super well. The new med regime seems perfect and I'm back to enjoying life Reign-free! How've you been?_

She smiled, because there was something about Sam that was so comforting and invitational. She felt like she could be her true self. She didn't need to wear a mask, because Sam had met her at rock bottom and somehow liked her anyway. Even without the mask of perfection, Sam had been a support.

They got to texting about Lena's days without her as a roommate and joking about the others they met. Lena told her how Leslie gave her her number and Sam assured her she was doing the right thing by not using it. Lena relayed what happened during her visit with Kara and Sam supported how they left things. She told her how she decided to keep Alex in her life, and in response she heard Sam's smile through the text reading, _I was hoping you'd keep her around._

And Sam told Lena about Ruby. She was doing well in school and apparently a boy liked her. She mentioned how she was back at work again. She still hated her job, but also couldn't leave because it was the only place she had enough vacation days to adequately care for her mental health. Plus the insurance was good. She told Lena about how, for the most part, her life was back to normal,

Going from being in a psych ward to living life as if it never happened in the span of a few days was still a tough concept to grasp. Lena felt like everyone would know where she'd been. She didn't know how, they'd just somehow _know_. It was so weird to think that while she was MIA and gaining a will to live, everyone else carried on as normal. She had taken a moment to press pause, but the rest of the world kept spinning, going about their daily routines.

All she knew was that Sam was a good person to have around during this transition. Sam seemed to be an expert at picking herself up and returning to the real world – and Lena supposed in a way, that was part of Sam's version of normalcy. She would fall, then she’d pick herself back up and act as if it never happened. Lena wanted to know how to do that, because when she fell, she had trouble even _wanting_ to pick herself up. Sam seemed to do it effortlessly – and she wasn't even bitter over having to do it again and again and again. It was actually amazing how accepting she was.

Lena needed that in her life. She needed to remember that no matter how bad things got, there was always a way to put her life back on track. If Sam could accept that living meant having intense periods of dissociation and delusions, Lena could accept she might want to die every now and then. She reminded herself that supposedly things got better. She was waiting to see if that was true.

* * *

There was a knock on her door at eight that night and Lena interrupted her constant texting to see who it was. She wasn't expecting visitors, and her and Alex had made up, but not to the point of unannounced visits.

When she looked through the peephole her heart stopped upon seeing blonde hair and glasses, and she genuinely considered not answering, but the thought that Kara could hear she was inside, could hear she was right behind the door, meant she'd know Lena was outright ignoring her. That was enough to make Lena too guilty to follow through. She swung the door open, but she didn't quite smile. She was too confused to act happy.

“Hi?”

She wasn't sure what part of coexisting involved surprise visits? She didn't mean that maliciously, she just… this was unexpected. It was completely and entirely unexpected. And maybe even a little out of line.

But then again, she wouldn't be Kara if she didn't stop by. Thinking it over, Lena should've expected it. Kara was the type of person who needed to be sure that the people she cared for were alright, and while Lena wasn't sure she liked admitting that Kara cared for her, deep down she knew it to be true. Even if she'd done a shitty job of showing it the past year, Kara had always cared for Lena more than she could've known. That much was obvious now.

“I know we said we weren't friends, that we were just coexisting, I just… I needed to make sure you're okay.”

Lena gave a soft smile, gently nodding her head with reassurance at the blatant concern. “I’m okay.”

“Okay,” Kara took a deep breath. “Sorry for bugging you like this, I was just… I needed to see it with my own two eyes. To hear you say it.”

Lena kept on her smile, trying to dismiss how much she missed this stumbling, stuttering, compassionate side of Kara Danvers. “I promise I'm okay.”

“Okay,” Kara smiled at that and gave a nod of approval. “Good. Thank you. And don't worry, I won't be stopping by all the time. I just… sorry. Thank you. Have a good night.”

And like the wind, before Lena could so much as blink, Kara was gone. Yet she felt her heart warm at the visit, at the way Kara hadn't tried to invite herself into the apartment or stay where she wasn't invited. She was respecting the boundary Lena had set, and Lena was more than thankful for that, because she knew it went against Kara's nature.

Kara’s instinct was to force herself in when people pushed her away, and Lena was glad she was respecting that Lena couldn't let her in right now. She was listening when Lena asked her to stay at arms length, and it was nice to feel so heard. It was nice having her needs met, even if they might not match with Kara’s wants. It was moments like that where Lena wondered if maybe there was hope for them after all.

Not right now, though. Right now, coexisting was truly the best place for them to be – there wasn't a doubt in Lena's mind about it. But in the faraway future… maybe something more could brew there. But Lena still tried not to get her hopes up. She wanted to focus on today for now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so this might be the slowest slow burn I've ever written, just a warning. There might not even be much Kara/Lena interaction for a while because I feel like there's a lot to be resolved with their relationship right now, but supercorp will come eventually! I promise. 
> 
> Sorry for the slow updates! For those who don't follow me on tumblr (shes-cured.tumblr.com), I've been going through a tough time with my own mental health + don't write well when I'm unstable (especially about mental health topics) so this took a while. Plus I've been working 60 hour weeks, so that too, but I'll try to update quicker this time!!


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> two things posted in one weekend (I posted a two-shot if ya wanna go read ;)). look at me go.

Lena licked her lips, sitting in her car and staring at L-Corp. Her driver had announced their arrival five minutes ago, but the matter of walking in was terrifying. She knew not everyone would be as willing to drop where she'd been as easily as he had. Not everyone let ‘there was a personal matter I needed to attend to’ answer their questions. People were nosy by nature. They pried. Lena didn't know how she'd handle that.

After another few moments of deliberation, she found it in herself to open the car door. She was still hesitant to actually step out of it, but eventually she did. She took a deep breath, trying to let the air somehow empower her. She stood up straighter, silently reminding herself that she was not some depressed girl. That might be a part of her, ‘depressed’ might be an adjective that could be used to diagnostically describe her, but in the end there were a million adjectives that would come before that.

She was brave. She was cunning. She was soft to a fault. She didn't let it out much, but she was silly and playful and a little too witty. She was passionate. She was smart, insightful, competent, and extraordinary in more than one area of life. And she was kind. Above all, she prided herself that she was kind – and she was no longer afraid to let that kindness come out of her in waves.

Before her hospitalization, she was ashamed of how led by emotions she was. As a business woman, she was supposed to be cold and hard and focused solely on money. Hell, anyone with her past was supposed to be cold and hard, yet she was still warm and gentle – and now she was learning that might be something to be proud of, not embarrassed.

But right now, she was a CEO. And important. And powerful. The only person who worried things would be different was herself. As much as she felt like she was wearing a sign around her neck announcing where she'd been, the truth was no one else had any idea. She had to remember that.

Her phone vibrated in her hand and Alex's name popped up in her notifications. She pressed to open it and smiled at the simplicity.

I hope you have a good first day back. Call me if you need anything.

Somehow, she managed to stand straighter. This time real confidence entered her. Something about having someone else's support gave her that extra boost of strength she'd been searching for.

She hadn't spoken with Alex much since being discharged on Friday. In fact, that text was one of the only things they'd said to each other. Alex texted her kind words a few times and Lena always replied, but the conversation usually ended on Lena's side, because she didn't want to bother her.

Lena's biggest fear tended to be bothering people, because no matter how much anyone could sugarcoat it, she had a lot of baggage. She was complex, and hard to read, and had layers upon layers of hidden traumas. She didn't want to burden Alex with her small anxieties throughout the day. She wanted Alex to see the good side of her, not the side that took her eight minutes to get out of the car, three to move into the foyer of the building, six to walk to the elevator, and four to finally press the ‘up’ button.

Instead her replies went more along the lines of, So far, so good! Thanks for checking in. I'll call you soon - promise.

It was like now that she had Alex back, she was terrified of losing her – which was dumb, because Alex knew her baggage more than Lena would like her to. Alex had files upon files of it sitting on a database that was readily available to her at any given time. And beyond the files, Alex was the same girl she'd sat up late with too many nights to count, talking about how she sometimes still missed the chaos of her mom, or crying over how much she worried about Kara after she was hurt enough to need yellow sun lamps. Alex had seen her darkness plenty of times before. It wasn't like everything had always been peachy between them before, but now it was just… different. She didn't want to exhaust her.

When she reached her office, Jess shot up from her chair with a notepad full of notes. She surprisingly didn't even inquire as to where Lena had been, instead simply reading off her schedule and asking which meetings she'd like to prioritize.

When she finished, she asked if Lena needed anything, then bowed out with a simple, “It's good to have you back, Ms. Luthor.”

Lena rose an eyebrow, because it all seemed too easy. “You aren't going to ask where I've been?”

“I – well – it's not really any of my business,” she stammered. “Did you want me to ask? I just figured if you wanted me to know you'd tell me, but I'm more than curious–”

“Sorry,” Lena laughed at herself. Everything was going perfectly until then. “I was just surprised. Thank you for respecting my privacy. It'll show in your pay.”

“Oh, you don't need to–”

“Thank you, Jess,” Lena repeated. “Now, I'd better get started with all this.”

She turned to begin her paperwork and as anticipated Jess left it at that. When she was gone, Lena glanced up and smiled to herself a bit. It took a lot of self control to refrain from asking questions about someone's whereabouts after they disappeared for a week. She admired Jess could do such a thing. Lena wasn't nosy by any means, but she was quite certain that even she would've sought some sort of answer as to where Jess had been if roles were reversed.

She knew part of it was perks of being the boss – no one could reprimand her for not showing up to work – but this was going easier than she thought so far. And judging by the employees she passed on the way up, it seemed like some people were just as afraid to ask the question as Lena was to answer it.

She leaned back in her chair, holding a paper in front of her as she reviewed the quarterly reports. Being at work was the most in her element she'd felt in a long time. And by the end of the day, she had only thought of dying once – which for some people would be awful, but for Lena it was a silent victory.

Maybe this was the start of a healthier life. Or maybe the twist was right around the corner, sneaking up and ready to ruin the progress she'd made. Only time would tell.

* * *

 

As she leaned back on her couch, Lena idly scrolled through the personal phone that had gotten more use in the past week than it had in the past three months. Between Sam and Alex, there was actually a reason she was paying for cell service now.

She stared at Alex's name, contemplating if she should make the call. She wanted to, she just didn't want to bug her. Alex had so much to do, and Lena didn't want to interrupt. But at the same time she promised to call and Alex seemed to want to talk to her. Finally she swallowed her anxiety and pressed call, then held the phone to her ear.

When Alex answered there was shuffling, then a distant, “Be right back”, then Alex's voice sounding through loud and clear. “Lena! You actually called.”

“I don't break promises,” she smiled, still slightly nervous. It had been a long while since they'd been on the status of casual phone calls. “You're not busy, are you?”

“Not at all. I'm glad you called.”

The sincerity gave her a little more confidence. “Okay. Good. I just don't want to interrupt or anything, because I know you're busy, so if you ever can't talk–”

“I can talk – I want to talk,” she quickly revised. “What's up?”

“Not too much. Just sitting at home,” Lena contemplated adding to the sentence. She decided to in the end. She reminded herself she was trying to let Alex in. Letting her in meant expanding the conversation. “It's still weird to be in my apartment again. I never would've thought that freedom could mean laying in your own bed. God, I missed my bed.”

She heard Alex laugh, then her voice came out with a teasing ring. “I'm glad your whole life sentence thing didn't work out then, because I can assure you prison beds aren't TempurPedic.”

“Very funny,” Lena rolled her eyes. “I would've been just fine.”

“But who wants to live being ’just fine’ their whole life, right?”

Lena took a moment to say, “True,” as she pondered over the couple weeks. She still wouldn't classify herself as happy by any means, but some days, just for a few seconds, the world didn't seem so grey.

Sometimes, as she was driven to work, her favorite playlist would be playing in the background, and buildings and people would whiz by, and the world would seem so incredibly vivid. The other day she opened the window to her apartment and found herself smiling at the birds chirping and sunshine hitting her face, trying to soak it all into her. She took a walk to the coffee shop in the lobby of L-Corp Tuesday, and the woman wished her a good day so genuinely that Lena was reminded of how innately good intentions can be.

Things were still up and down, though – two hours after experiencing a vivid moment she could be ridden with anxiety and back to being suicidal – but at least there were were ups now. It had been exhausting living with only downs for so long.

“How are you feeling?” Alex carried on the conversation. “Everything good with work?”

“Work is work,” Lena settled. “And I've actually been feeling good lately. As much as I hate being on it, I think the medicine is helping.”

“No one but you cares that your on it – nor do they even know,” Alex assured her. “If it's helping, that's all that matters.”

“Yeah. Life is still dull eighty percent of the time, but at least now it's a mundane sort of dull, rather than hating the world and everything about it.”

She could hear Alex's smile. “And that's after two weeks. It takes six for most antidepressants to be effective, so imagine how good you'll feel then.”

That was what Lena was hoping for too, but she didn't want to voice it. As silly as it sounded, saying that aloud might jinx it or make the improvement she'd already found disappear, and she didn't want to go back to hating every waking moment of her life. Waking up everyday and being disappointed she didn't die in her sleep wasn't healthy, and Lena couldn't say she missed it.

She did miss some things, though. In a way, some aspects of the whole getting better scheme was terrifying, because Lena wasn't so sure she remembered who she was without the darkness that accompanied her. She wanted to get better, but she also had to re-figure out who she was when she wasn’t sad. She had to remember what she was like when she was okay – and in order to do that she had to figure out how to be okay with being okay.

It seemed like whenever she realized she wasn't feeling depressed, she panicked and subconsciously made herself sad again. She was constantly worried that contentment was a fleeting feeling, and she didn't want to feel it only to lose it. And she knew that was self-sabotage, but she didn't know how to stop it. The only thing worse than being strictly depressed would be enjoying happiness then being slammed down to rock bottom again.

“I just hope it works,” Lena replied, pushing aside the long running stream of thoughts in her head. “Things are beginning to look up, but I worry that just means everything is going to fall apart. And I hate being on medicine.”

“I know you do. But let me tell you a story,” Alex started. “My grandmother had cataracts once. And just like you, she was hardheaded – really hardheaded. She was a typical old lady who didn't think she needed the surgery to remove them. Without the surgery, they kept growing, and eventually things got so bad that she lost sight in one eye. She still didn't agree to get them fixed, but then finally, when the vision in her other eye started going from another cataract, she agreed to get the surgery – it was such a simple one too – a basic in and out procedure. But she spent all those years avoiding treatment, because she thought she could will it away. Hell, she was blind because she didn't want to accept the help that was available. Now, she wears glasses. That's it.” Alex paused, then her voice came out warm. “You've been navigating through life nearly blind for a while now. It's okay to accept the glasses. Now, it's time to enjoy being able to see again.”

Lena thought over the analogy, then blew out a long breath of air. “I just don't want to enjoy seeing, then go back to being blind.”

“If you worry about falling back down, you'll never fully appreciate how far up you are.”

“Wise words.”

“They are,” Alex agreed. There was commotion in the background before Alex sounded apologetic. “I gotta go. Is it okay to call you tomorrow?”

“Yeah. That’s alright,” Lena found herself smiling at the plan. “Go save the day, Agent Danvers.”

“Will do. Stay away from the Northeast side of the city, by the way.”

Lena couldn't stop the warmth that flooded her from how it felt to be cared for. She hated that such a simple warning could impact her so much, but it had been so long since those small gestures had been in her life. In fact, they'd been nonexistent after Alex left – or maybe Lena was technically the one who left, she didn't know anymore. All she knew was that she missed this an awful lot, and she was so, so relieved it was back.

* * *

 

“Lena! I missed you!” Sam exclaimed as Lena walked into the coffee shop. Sam stood up from her seat to give her a hug, and Lena felt the same warmth she’d had with Alex flood her. It was still so odd to be cared for.

Sam pulled away and gave a smile that brought Lena such a sense of comfort. “You look great in real clothes. Look how put together you are!”

“Oh, aren't I, though?” Lena laughed along. “Heels and pencil skirts work wonders when it comes to making it look like you have your life together.”

“No one would know you don't,” Sam grinned in agreement. “But honestly, it's so good to see you in person again. Out of all my hospitalizations, you might be my all-time favorite roommate.”

“Really?” Lena asked, confused as to why she would be her favorite. She was still shocked Sam even gave her her number. “Me?”

“Yeah. You were chill, you didn't snore and you weren't bullshitting your way out. You also offered some humor – mainly in the form of sarcastic bitterness, but it was funny nonetheless,” she listed off. “Makes you great in my book.”

“Oh,” Lena wrinkled her nose. “I figured I was a bit of a downer for you.”

“You have some pent up angst in you, but you weren't a downer per se,” Sam carefully treaded her words. “If anything, I just wanted to fix things for you. It was clear you were at rock bottom and I wanted to pick you up and show you how life's not always so bad.”

Lena gave a teasing smile. “You know, you're probably the most optimistic patient a psych ward’s ever seen?”

“Once again, Sam is. The homicidal me? Definitely psych ward worthy.”

Lena found herself laughing at something she never would've imagined laughing at two weeks ago. Two weeks ago she would've been concerned, and even a little fearful, yet now this seemed so normal.

“It's pretty cool how well you know yourself,” Lena finally got out the comment she'd been thinking since their first conversation. “I've never met anyone who’s so self-aware while remaining so confident and content with who they are.”

“It's either that or mope around about how much life sucks,” Sam shrugged out such profound words in such a casual manner. “People look down on people who have a mental illness, but I genuinely think some of us are the best people out there. I mean, not to sound arrogant, but I'm kind and loyal and so understanding, because I've been through some crazy shit of my own. And I know who I am. I know what I have to offer, and I know what I don't. I have my faults, I definitely have my flaws and downsides – one of them being the whole mental illness thing – but life is too short to live it hating yourself for something you can't change. Overall, I do my best. Everyday, I do my best, and I’ve learned to like who my best is.”

Lena listened to every word as if it would solve a high profile, unsolved mystery. She wanted to absorb it all and just be Sam. She wanted to feel that empowered.

“It took a lot of therapy to get this cocky, though,” she smirked. “You can be arrogant too one day. Trust me. You just gotta work out your shit and learn how to healthily cope.”

“That could take years,” Lena laughed, her numerous traumas speeding through her mind. “I actually see my outpatient therapist tomorrow, though.”

“Is it gonna be the first time seeing her since you were discharged?”

Lena squirmed, because the thought of relaying everything that happened, talking about how she almost ended her life and was hospitalized for it, brought on an insurmountable amount of dread. “Yeah. I'm not looking forward to it.”

Sam gave an understanding and sympathetic smile. “I can tell. You look like you're gonna bolt just thinking about it.”

“It's just… she knows I've been suicidal, but I always sugarcoated it. I didn't want her to be concerned,” she sighed, unsure how she came to trust Sam so easily. They had only known each other for a couple weeks, yet here she was bearing her soul. “Honestly, a part of me just didn't want her to stop me. I kept so much from her and omitted the truth about nearly everything going on with me the past month. It's gonna be painful to talk about that.”

“If it makes you feel better, you're not the first person to lie to a therapist, nor will you be the last. Even admitting you have suicidal thoughts takes more courage than a lot of people have,” Sam comforted her. “It took me years to admit I had periods of time I couldn't remember. It took even longer to admit I had homicidal thoughts. So much time was wasted thinking I was just anxious and depressed from work stress. I kept so much to myself, because I didn't know how to voice experiencing these things that no one else experienced,” Sam offered more of her story. “Being transparent in therapy, learning how to not hold back… that changes your life. And maybe the hospitalization was the push you needed to do that – to see you're not alone in feeling the way you feel. You can't change that you weren't totally honest before, but you can change now. And I know everyone is different when it comes to recovery, but I've never met a single person who got a better while keeping such huge things bottled up inside.”

Lena thought it over, then shook her head with apprehensiveness. “How do you force yourself to be that honest, though? I want to be, but every time I go in I feel fine, so I just don't voice the bad parts.”

“I had the same problem. I think it’s common. The only thing that helped me was writing a list of topics beforehand,” Sam offered. “Either as the week went on or the day before my appointment, I wrote down everything I struggled with and thought was important to discuss. It not only helped me voice it in the appointment, but it reminded me I wasn't totally fine.”

“I'll try that. I just don't want her to send me back to the hospital.”

“Do you need the hospital?”

Lena confidently shook her head. “I honestly don't. I still have my moments, but I'm not gonna do anything.”

“Then you're right. You don't need the hospital,” Sam shrugged. “She's not going to commit you just because you still have some dark thoughts.”

Lena let out a loud groan, throwing her head back in the process. “Everything was just so much easier when I was pretending nothing was wrong.”

“Yeah, but even I can tell you're more uplifted now than you were before all this,” Sam pointed out what Lena knew was the truth. “You're not as sullen as you were when we first met. Or as grumpy, for that matter.”

She gave a small laugh. She felt the change in her too. “You have a point, but it still sucks being honest all the time.”

“Oh, I'm not arguing that! Being honest does suck, it really does. Even I have days where I want to bury how I’m really doing,” Sam was eager to agree. “But I'd still be in a pretty dark place if I let myself do that.”

“I'll try it your way, but I won't like it,” Lena stated.

“As long as you try,” Sam smiled along. “I wholeheartedly believe you're capable of more than you think.”

The amount of conviction in her voice left Lena speechless. Finally, she pulled it together and switched the subject off her. “And you? How are you doing?”

“Oh, you know, same old,” Sam sighed. “Everything is good. I just hate my job. My boss is an ass.”

“Can you find another?”

“Yeah, but I'd lose all my seniority. And I'm in a high pay bracket right now, which is useful for my medical expenses. I don't want to lose that.”

Sometimes she forgot how privileged she was until she heard others’ struggle.

“What do you do again?”

“I'm a senior accountant at a law firm,” she rolled her eyes. Dismay poured out of her in boat loads. “I love my life, but we all have aspects we can't stand. Work is mine.”

Lena wanted to offer her a position on the spot, but she thought better of it. She should think about it. The last thing she needed was to make a rash business decision.

“I'll keep my eye out for open positions,” she opted for as a solution. “I know some people. I'll ask around for you.”

“It's fine. As I said, I need the pay I have now. I'm not in debt or anything, but I also don't have money to give up,” she explained. “I'm still building Ruby’s college fund, and I don't want to take away from that. She sacrifices so much for me. I want it to be as big as possible. And as much as my mother and I butt heads, I like giving her money here and there, or buying her lavish gifts for Christmas. As cheesy as it sounds, giving to people and causes I care about makes me feel good. I'd feel like a lesser me if I had to stop.”

It once again blew Lena's mind that Sam was how she was. She'd been through so much – she'd seen so much – yet she still loved with everything in her. Lena had seen a lot too and she didn't have a fourth of the love Sam openly gave out. Lena cared. She cared a lot, actually. But she didn't have some huge desire to give back like Sam did.

In a way, it reminded her of Kara. Sam gave with all her heart. She let love visibly seep out of her every day. And apparently she wanted to make the world a better place, too. Other than Kara, she had never met someone with all those qualities. Sam would never replace Kara – she knew she would never fall in love with Sam – but it was nice to have that altruism back. It made Lena want to give her a job even more.

Instead of being impulsive, she bit her tongue and offered a smile. “Still. I'll keep my eyes peeled.”

* * *

 

Lena was fidgeting more in the waiting room than she had in her entire life. She didn't know why she was so nervous, but she was. She never squirmed like this, but she physically couldn't hold her nerves in. Lillian would be scornful of the lack of composure that was on display.

“Lena,” her therapist called her in with a smile.

She didn't make eye contact, walking in and feeling her heartbeat speed up with every step she took. Out of habit she tried to calm it as to not worry Kara, then she scolded herself for even thinking Kara still listened. For her own sake, she hoped Kara no longer listened, at least.

“How are things?”

“They've been better,” she was short in her answer, trying to ignore the way she felt like she'd somehow failed by needing the hospital. “I signed a release of information for you, so I'm assuming you know how I've been?”

“I got the CliffsNotes version,” she confirmed. “What happened?”

Lena relayed a semi-true version of events, trying to be honest while simultaneously keeping Kara's identity a secret. She didn't think about how hard Sam's whole honesty policy would be when Kara was thrown in. Half of the fiasco that landed her in the hospital had to be altered in order to protect Kara and the DEO.

Still, she managed to explain how in questioning it came out she was suicidal – though she didn't mention it was by mind reading. She told her how Alex visited almost every day and they decided to patch up their relationship, then told her how she let Kara visit once and they decided to coexist. She told her about meeting Sam, then asked if it was crazy she wanted to offer her a job.

“Well,” her therapist thought it over, clearly thrown back by the question. “What do you know of her professional work?”

Lena was automatically stumped. She knew absolutely nothing about it, but she still wanted to give it to Sam more than ever.

“I just want to help her. She's helped me so much without even trying.”

“What are you thinking of proposing?”

“There's a CFO position open,” Lena leaned back in the chair. “I don't know. I know I sound crazy, I just – it's a gut feeling that she'd be good.”

“It could complicate things,” her therapist warned. “It could help, but it could also get very messy very quickly.”

“I know,” Lena sighed. “But she wouldn't have to make up excuses if she needs medical leave. And I'd understand when she couldn't come in. Plus, she'd pick up a lot of my slack too. And even though we just met, she cares about my wellbeing, and I need that – especially at work.”

Her therapist was clearly weary, but she didn't outright tell her not to do it. Lena was liking the whole ‘I'm not here to give advice’ role she emphasized so much, because she knew this was outlandish. She just didn't care.

“Worse comes to worst, I'll fire her,” Lena shrugged it off. “I just… I feel like she deserves something good. And if I can offer that, why shouldn't I?”

At the continued look of skepticism, Lena raced for other ideas.

“I mean, I'd do an interview with a panel of my colleagues, of course,” she pulled the idea out of her ass. “And talk to her about a plan in case things do turn bad. And part of me isn't sure she'd even say yes. She puts her wellbeing first one hundred percent of the time, so if she thinks it's bad for her she’ll say so.”

“You're a business woman,” the mask of professionalism graced her therapist’s face. “As long as this sounds like a good business decision, there's no reason not to.”

“Exactly,” Lena was quick to agree. “I mean, an interview won't hurt.”

“No harm in that,” her therapist nodded along. “And if you need an impartial party, there's always Alex.”

“Alex is hardly impartial,” Lena smiled at the thought of her adversity. “Her and Sam got off on the wrong foot. Alex was domineering and Sam wasn't afraid of her, so Alex isn't a fan.”

“You said a few sessions one of the things you missed most about Alex was watching her intimidate people,” despite being the softest person I once knew, Lena remembered saying. “Are you content with how things are now?”

“We’re rebuilding things,” Lena nodded. “It's going good, though. And she seemed to take what I said about not wanting Kara to be in my life seriously, so I'm happy about that. I feel heard.”

“Did you not feel heard before all this happened?”

“Not that, exactly,” Lena thought it over, trying to pinpoint how it used to be not so long ago. “I think it's been a while since I've had anyone to do the hearing.”

“And now you have Alex. And Sam.”

They both brought a smile to her face. “Yeah.”

“Learning to open up again is going to be good for you. Just look at the past two weeks. More progress has been made in that time than however-many months we've spent together.”

“Maybe it's naive, but for the first time in a long time I have hope that things can be better,” Lena admitted. “That's new for me.”

“Hope is something I can work with,” she smiled, turning to the computer on her desk. “Are you available for an appointment next week?”

As much as Lena hated being vulnerable and sharing intimate details about her life, she also felt proud of how she'd done it regardless the past few weeks. Being transparent in how she was doing was long overdue.

“I'll make time,” Lena promised.

She was trying out this new thing called putting her health first. So far it was working pretty well. She was beginning to have high hopes.

* * *

 

Lena called Sam the next day about the open position, honestly not knowing what her reaction would be.

“You want me for a CFO position?” She ended up echoing. “I – but – why? I have no experience as a CFO of anything, never mind a billion dollar company.”

“I want you to apply for a CFO position,” Lena corrected. “It'll be a panel interview – and don't worry, I'm not telling any of them I know you. I don't want questions as to where you're from, plus I want an honest opinion from them. I can't make any promises, but I really think you should apply. This wouldn't only get you away from your asshole boss, but it'd also be a good career move. You know it would.”

“I don't know…” she heard Sam sigh. “It's just… risky. Working for someone I met in the hospital seems like a bad idea.”

“I know. It's crazy,” Lena didn't even bother to argue it. “But I wouldn't throw out the idea it if I wasn't prepared to make this work. I have faith in both your capability and your character. I wouldn't trust anyone with L-Corp’s assets as much as I'd trust you.”

“I'll think about it,” Sam offered. “When do you need to know by?”

“We want to start interviews as soon as possible, but I'll try to stall until you decide what you're going to do,” she smiled, because at least it wasn't a No. “But if you decide this is something you want, it's going to be through a regular interview process. I have pull in the final decision, but I need to make sure you're the right fit. You'll need references, a clean resume, everything.”

“I'll decide within the next few days,” Sam promised. “I just can't be impulsive about it. I want to say yes, but… so many signs saying this is a bad idea are going off.”

“Take all the time you need,” Lena was genuine. “But as I said, I'm prepared to make this work.”

* * *

 

“You what?” Alex exclaimed when she relayed the situation. “Lena, you met her in a psych ward! You don't just offer jobs to people you meet in a psych ward.

“I was not expecting that strong of a reaction,” Lena let out a small laugh. It was shockingly nice to be yelled at. It meant Alex wasn't walking on eggshells anymore. “What happened to the nervous, docile version of you I've been dealing with?”

Alex didn't laugh, and her voice was sharp as it came across the phone. “I know you want to help her, but this could go horribly wrong.”

“But it could not go horribly wrong,” she countered. “I'm not just giving her a job. I'm giving her access to an interview.”

“Where you get the final say,” Alex extended the sentence.

“I know you're trying to help and look out for me, but this really isn't something that's up for discussion,” Lena told her. “I just thought I'd fill you in on my life.”

Alex sighed, then her voice came out strained. “I just don't want you in a position where you feel stuck.”

Lena smiled at the concern. “I know you don't. But even if I do get stuck, you're always there to save me, so I'll be fine.”

“Oh, so, I'm the reason you feel comfortable being crazy?”

“The complete reason, yes,” Lena taunted. Then, she turned serious again. “I know you have my back, Alex, so even if this all turns to shit, I know I'll be okay.”

And like putty in her hands, Alex softened. “Just be careful. Okay?”

“I will,” Lena promised. “And Sam isn't even sure she wants to. She thinks it's crazy too.”

“Well, at least one of you is sane,” Alex muttered under her breath just loud enough for Lena to hear.

“Is that all you needed?” Lena was smiling again.

“Oh, I haven't even mentioned what I needed. We got sidetracked by the mention of you losing your mind.”

Lena let out a real laugh, shaking her head at the comment. “That's over dramatic, but okay. What do you need?”

“Well, I was wondering if you'd be okay with coming into the DEO,” Alex sounded nervous. There was a beat of silence before the explanation came. “J’onn wants a better explanation about what happened… with your mom.”

For the first time Lena thought about how different things would be had Alex not believed in her innocence. She could be waiting for a hearing in a jail cell right now, but instead she was free – and shockingly happy about being free, at that. A little intimidated, sure, but happy overall. Who would've thought so much could change in three weeks.

“Of course I will. I'll text you when I'm near by.”

“You have access. Just come on up,” Alex said, as if it was as simple as leaving the door unlocked for an old friend.

Lena, however, knew it wasn't. She couldn't stop her shock. “I have access? It's reinstated? Right away? Just like that?”

“It wasn't reinstated exactly,” Alex fumbled. “More like it was never revoked in the first place.”

Lena could've choked at the information. “I have a terrorist mother and an incredibly messy break up with Supergirl herself and no one bothered to revoke my access to a secret government agency?”

“Well, you see, if I took away your access, I'd have to admit you were really gone. And I didn't want to do that.” Seeing the soft side of Alex was a rarity. “I trusted you enough to keep you in the system.”

“You're a sap,” Lena taunted. “Also, you're clearly the insane one between the two of us.”

The gentleness dissipated and Alex's voice turned pointed and annoyed. “Will you come or not?”

Lena couldn't help but smile at the irritation. She missed this. She knew kept thinking it, but she really did. She missed it so much.

“I'll be there.”

* * *

 

What Lena didn't think about when she agreed to go to the DEO was the fact that Kara spent seventy-five percent of her waking hours there. Running into her was not only possible, but nearly inevitable.

Sure enough, it took a mere ten minutes to see her. She hadn't even seen J’onn yet, but there Kara was, red cape and all. Lena's eyes caught on her immediately and Alex followed her gaze.

“Sorry,” she grimaced when she saw where Lena's eyes were focused.

Lena waved a hand through air. She was shockingly genuine in saying, “I'm fine.”

Kara turned away from Winn and saw the two of them. Lena wanted to dart her eyes away, and maybe walk around the corner to avoid her gaze, but they agreed on not doing that. So, with a thundering heart, she managed a simple wave.

She watched Kara make a move to go towards them, but then she halted, gave a wave and went back to talking to Winn.

“So, that's what coexisting is,” Alex mused, tearing Lena's attention off of Kara to refocus on her. “Looks awkward.”

She just rolled her eyes. “Do you want to interrogate me or not?”

“We aren't interrogating you. We just have unanswered questions.”

“Sounds like the same thing to me.”

Alex laughed under her breath. “J’onn should be here soon.”

Lena had to fight hard against the undying urge to stare at Kara and take in every feature she had missed, so she hoped J’onn came quick.

“She came to see me.” Lena didn't know why she was announcing such a thing to Alex, but there she was. “Did she tell you that?”

“She didn't,” Alex gave a remorseful sigh. “I'm sorry. I'll talk to her.”

“No, no, she was fine. You don't have to,” Lena brushed the visit off. “She just stopped by to make sure I was alright. She didn't stay or invite herself in or anything. It was… oddly okay.”

Alex was wearing a quizzical expression. “I'm not really sure what to say, then.”

“You don't have to say anything. I'm not even sure why I told you.”

Alex hesitated in asking. “Do you want her to visit you again?”

“No. But it was nice to be checked in on,” she admitted.

“Is that a hint?” Alex smirked. “I'll be sure to start twice a day check-ins if you want.”

“If you do I'll murder you,” Lena deadpanned. “Let’s not overdo it.”

* * *

 

Lena was leaving the DEO when her and Kara finally crossed paths. She was walking out as Kara landed on the balcony. She meant to keep moving forward, but her body worked against her as it began to walk towards to the red cape.

“Hey,” Kara seemed overly happy to see her.

Lena was more reserved, but she found herself feeling uplifted nonetheless. “Hey, stranger.”

Kara wore the grin that Lena had long ago realized was reserved for herself and Alex. She couldn't help but feel honored that she was still worthy of it.

“You been doing okay?” Kara asked.

Lena laughed, shrugging the question off as a joke. “No ones tried to kill me in a while, so I'd say I'm doing great.”

Kara, on the other hand, found it much less amusing. Her gaze fell. “That's not funny. There's been too many close calls on your life.”

Her voice was a little too heartfelt for coexisting, but the concern stopped Lena from commenting on that. Instead, she turned the focus to Kara’s life. She didn't want to get too emotional with her. That was dangerous territory.

“What about you? Any more ex-girlfriends try to kill you lately?”

That didn't help. Kara shook her head, a sad smile spreading across her face. “That's not funny either. I don't exactly like to think about how you were indifferent to spending the rest your life in a jail cell.”

Lena's heart sped up at the seriousness and reminder of her own stupidity. “I'm sorry.”

“It's fine, it's just…” Kara shook her head and never finished the sentence. “How've you been? Really.”

“I've been good,” Lena wore a soft smile, trying to get rid of the tension she had unintentionally created. “How've you been?”

“Good,” Kara reciprocated. “Alex told me you offered Sam a position at L-Corp.”

“An interview, yes,” Lena corrected the term.

“You usually don't offer that,” she murmured. “I'm surprised you did to someone you met… you know.”

“You can say where I've been, Kara,” Lena told her with a smile. “Although, you do sound a little judgmental right now.”

“No! No, I'm not judging!” Kara was rushing out in an instant, a little too defensive. “It's just… you never mix your personal life with work. I would've never expected it.”

Lena fought for an explanation to come to her, but there really wasn't one. “I just have a good feeling about her. And Sam has her shit together. She's great.”

Hurt flashed across Kara's face, but she recovered so quickly that Lena almost doubted it was there to begin with. She forced out a grin. “Well, I'm glad you have her then.”

“Yeah,” Lena murmured.

She must have forgotten what Kara's facial expressions meant, because she swore this was what jealousy looked like, but that'd be insane. Why would Kara be jealous of Sam? It made no sense.

“I gotta go debrief,” Kara was suddenly dismissing herself. She gave one last look full of strong emotions and sincerity. “It was really good to see you again.”

“You too,” Lena put on a smile, hoping her confusion from Kara's demeanor wasn't evident. “I'm sure I'll be running into you again.”

“I'm sure,” Kara agreed, still seeming suddenly guarded. “See you then.”

“Yeah,” she breathed as Kara walked away. “See you then.”

She couldn't be jealous. She couldn't be, because it was just Sam. There was nothing romantic about it. She couldn't picture her and Sam being anything more than friends. She saw the similarities between Sam and Kara, sure, and she saw how many lovable traits Sam had, but Lena wasn't willing to open herself up to that again.

Besides, deep down she still firmly believed that any relationship would be a disappointment when compared to the one she shared with Kara. It wasn't like she was still pining over Kara, but Lena knew nothing would measure up to that level of rawness and vulnerability.

Kara Danvers was her love of a lifetime. She didn't like to admit it, but she knew it to be true. Deliberately or not, Kara set the bar for all of her future relationships. And unfortunately, it was set too high for anyone else to even come close to touching. Jumping into a relationship with anyone would only remind her of everything she had lost when she lost Kara Danvers. And she wasn't looking for that reminder. So, for the foreseeable future she'd accepted being alone.

And that was honestly okay with her. Being alone was better than aching over the loss of Kara, at least. She planned to avoid that aching as long as she possibly could. If that meant being alone, so be it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hit a girl up on tumblr: shes-cured.tumblr.com


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok I have had this chapter ready for 2 weeks and kept forgetting to post it so my apologies.

Lena and Sam were sitting in a coffee shop again, hushed as they talked about Lena's offer for her to apply at L-Corp. There was nothing secretive about it, but it felt right to keep such a big thing quiet. It was like talking too loud might jinx it.

“The offer is still there,” Lena assured her. “We are starting interviews soon, though.”

For the first time, Lena saw what Sam looked like when she was uncertain about something. Before this decision, every decision she made she made with confidence. “I want to apply - I do! It's just… Not only did we meet in the hospital, but this is so far out of my league, Lena. I’ve never been a CFO of anything.”

“It's not out of your league,” she promised. “You’ve been a senior accountant for years. You deserve the opportunity. As I said, I can't guarantee a job, but I'd love it if you at least interviewed. This could be an amazing next step for your career.”

“It would be,” she agreed. “I just don't want to fail – and I don’t want to disappoint you either or ruin the friendship we’ve built.”

“If things go wrong, I promise you placement elsewhere in a position that has nothing to do with me – I won't even dock your pay if it comes to that. But I _really_ think you should consider this, Sam,” Lena's business voice came out. “You'd be a great asset to L-Corp. You believe in yourself in so many other areas of your life. Believe in yourself with this too. I know you're capable of succeeding.”

Sam was hesitant, but eventually she let out a heavy puff of air, “Okay.” She took another deep breath, then nodded in confirmation. “I'll do it. How do I submit an application?”

* * *

A week later, Lena was in a conference room with four other employees from the corporate level of L-Corp interviewing potential candidates back to back. 

“Next is Samantha Arias,” Lena read off the paper, her heart speeding up as she pretended to be impartial.

“Her resume is solid,” the man beside her was looking over the folder with the information submitted with her application. “She looks really good on paper.”

“Let’s hope she's good in person, though,” the woman sitting at the end of the table sighed. “The past two were great on paper too, but in person they were nothing but disappointing. We have yet to see a real contender.”

“She has no CFO experience,” someone else commented. “Her experience is good, but far from ideal.”

“She has to be better than the last guy we just saw,” the man beside her was speaking again. “I have high hopes.”

“Me too,” Lena finally piped up into the conversation. “Are we ready to call her in?”

There was a chorus of approval, so Lena picked up the phone to call Jess’ line. She actually felt nervous. She _really_ hoped this went well. She wanted to give Sam this job so badly, but this interview was the make-it-or-break-it moment. She hadn’t told her colleagues that she knew Sam on a personal level, because she wanted their honest feedback. She just hoped that their feedback would be good. She hoped _Sam_ would be good. She’d never seen her in a professional setting before, but she hoped she’d excel at this the same way she did everything else in life.

“Send in Samantha Arias, please,” she directed when Jess picked up.

 _Please let this go well_ , Lena prayed to the universe. _For the love of God, let this go well._

* * *

She was so good. She was good beyond belief, actually. For someone with no CFO experience, Sam managed to make herself sound more than qualified for the position. There was a rocky moment when someone asked how she heard about the opening, but she had told a white lie and expertly steered the conversation away from the topic. She did it so smoothly that even Lena would've believed her had she not known. 

“So?” Lena fought to remain indifferent after Sam had left and the interview was over. She thought it went well, but she wanted to hear the others’ honest opinions. “What do we think?”

“ _That_ is the interview I've been waiting for,” the most critical of the five of them spoke up. “She's the one to beat so far.”

“I agree,” the man beside her looked up from the notes he had marked down on his copy of Sam’s resume. “She had all the right answers. And she seemed so pleasurable overall. Her sincerity is a breath of fresh air in this industry, plus it's good to have in a CFO.”

“She knows her stuff, that's for sure,” the woman spoke up. “And she knew her stuff about L-Corp. That was _really_ impressive.”

It was. Even Lena was impressed by her knowledge, because Sam hadn’t asked her any questions about it, meaning she must’ve done extensive research to know as much as she did. She knew the specific statistics from L-Corp’s financial statements, the history of the company’s stock, and had both the P/E and PEG ratio memorized – and told them what she thought it meant for the future of the company. She told them areas she would want to monitor if she were hired and all the things she admired that L-Corp was doing right.

“What about you, boss? What’d you think?”

Lena scanned the others, then nodded in agreement. “It'll be hard to beat that. I feel bad for the next guy.”

There was a round of laughs, then someone was reading off the next name and going over their initial impression based on his resume.

Lena just smiled to herself, unable to pay attention to anything other than what just happened. That couldn't have gone better.

* * *

“Are you sure you're not just biased?” Alex asked over the phone that night, her skepticism clear. “I know you want her to have the job, but you’re _positive_ she’s the right candidate?”

Lena shook her head, repeating the proclamation. “Everyone loved her. So far the position is unanimously hers. We have one more interview tomorrow, but unless he wows us we agree Sam's the right choice.”

Alex hesitated. When she finally came, there was a deep sigh, then a voice that came out with caution. “I want to tell you to be careful again, but I don't want you to get mad at me, so I won't.”

“Well, thank you, that's very thoughtful,” Lena laughed. “I know you're worried, and I even understand why, but this is gonna be fine.”

“I hope so,” Alex chimed.

Lena leaned back on the couch of her apartment, smiling as she finally taunted Alex over the phone. “I think _you're_ the one who's biased. You have quite the vendetta against her.”

“I do not!” She was exclaiming. “I just think she's full of herself.”

“You've had one exchange with her.”

“And that was enough,” Alex huffed.

Lena rolled her eyes, but she had to admit she was amused at this grudge Alex held. “You just don't like that she wasn't afraid of you.”

“She was disrespectful and _rude_ ,” Alex declared. “She mocked me.”

Lena actually snorted at the claim. “She didn't _mock_ you, she just didn't back down.”

“Call it what you want. She mocked me.”

“I never pegged you to be so easily offended,” she laughed at Alex’s defensiveness. “Usually you have thicker skin than this.”

“I am _not_ offended,” Alex was proclaiming at once. “I just don't think she's deserves the pedestal you're offering.”

“I'm honestly surprised. She seems like your type.”

On cue, Alex was adamantly scoffing. “She is _nothing_ like my type.”

“Okay, so she's not,” Lena teased. “She sure does have you flustered, though.”

“She has me dismayed and unimpressed,” Alex pointedly corrected. “I'm far from flustered.”

“Whatever you say,” Lena prodded, enjoying the reaction she was getting a little too much. “Either way, there's a good chance she'll be at L-Corp, so get used to it.”

Alex let out a groan. “There's really nothing I can do to change your mind?”

“Absolutely nothing,” Lena chanted. “‘A’ for effort, though.”

* * *

Two days later, after another failed interview and the board’s approval of Sam, Lena made the phone call to inform her she got the job. 

“Hello?”

“Hey, Sam, it's Lena,” she used her voice of professionalism, but lowered it to explain, “This is my business line.”

“Oh, hey!” Sam's voice immediately became friendly. “Is there a reason you're calling me on your business line?”

“There is,” Lena found herself smiling. “I'd like to offer you the job.”

“Really?” Sam seemed genuinely shocked, which surprised Lena. She had to know she nailed that interview. “I got it?”

“You did,” she laughed at the surprise. “Put in your two weeks at your current job.”

Sam seemed to be at a loss of words, because it was quiet for a moment, then she sounded incredulous again. “And this isn't just your pull, right? The rest of the people that were on the panel agree?”

“The decision was unanimous,” Lena promised. “Every single one of us thought you were the best candidate.”

Sam was laughing too now, her voice more than thrilled. “I can't believe it. That's… Wow. I don't know what to say. Thank you – thank you so much!”

Lena’s professionalism faded as her voice grew warm. “It wasn't me. It was all you, Sam. You earned it.”

“I need to process it all,” she still sounded ecstatic.

“Just put your two weeks in,” Lena coaxed. “And welcome to L-Corp.”

“I'm serious, Lena,” her voice lowered to match the words, appreciation dripping from every syllable. “ _Thank you_. You have no idea how life changing this is.”

“Once again, I was just one vote out of five. You got the other four votes fair and square. There was no persuasion from me whatsoever. They genuinely loved you.”

Sam was silent, then a squeal came over the phone. “I'm so excited. I didn't realize how much I wanted this until now.”

“Well, you got it,” Lena smiled. “I'll be sending you an email with salary and benefits information. You can formally accept it then.”

“I'll read it over immediately,” she promised.

“Good,” Lena was grinning at Sam's excitement. She was finally repaying her for everything. “Welcome to the team.”

* * *

Two weeks later, Lena was giving Sam a tour of L-Corp, pointing out her favorite spots to hide and introducing her to all the coworkers she actually liked while warning her who she may want to stay away from. 

“And _this_ is my godsend,” Lena motioned to her assistant when her tour around the building was over. “Meet Jess. She keeps me sane.”

“Pleasure to meet you,” Jess held out her hand.

Sam's smile hadn't left her face since stepping into the building, but it grew upon meeting Jess. “You too.”

“I'm going to be meeting with Sam over lunch to orient her a little more, so hold my calls.”

“Will do, but – uh,” Jess stuttering was a rarity and never a good sign. “Kara Danvers called for you.”

Lena's eyes could've bulged out of her sockets. “Kara _Danvers?_ ”

“She sounded nervous and said it wasn't emergent, nor do you need to call her back,” Jess was speaking quickly and nervously. “She didn't leave a message. She actually told me not to tell you she'd called, but I thought you'd like to know.”

“Yeah,” Lena said in a daze. “That's… weird.”

“It's been a while since her rambling has come across my line,” Jess agreed. “I wasn't sure if you guys were… I just thought I'd let you know, seeing the history.”

“I appreciate it,” Lena promised. “If she calls again let me know. Don't forward it immediately, though. I'm honestly not so sure I’d want to take the call.”

“You got it,” Jess nodded. She turned her attention to Sam again with a fond smile. “Lena's the best. You'll love it here.” She turned back to Lena with a small nod. “I’ll hold your calls, boss. Enjoy your meeting.”

Lena led Sam into her office. She almost brought her to the white couch, but that felt wrong. She never used that couch anymore and she didn't plan to start now. There were too many memories. She had honestly thought of getting it removed from her office, but while the memories might be painful to think of, they were also memories she wasn't ready to throw away. She wasn't sure she'd ever be.

So, she sat behind her desk, letting Sam sit in the chairs in front of it.

Sam broke the silence first. “Am I allowed to talk about your personal life at work, or are we going to pretend that I don't know who Kara is?”

“Oh, talk away. I need to talk about it,” Lena let out a deep breath. To be honest, she was glad Sam was here to process it. “Why would she be calling?”

“I don't know,” Sam shrugged. “Are you gonna call her back?”

Lena looked to Sam for an answer. “Should I?”

“Do you want to?”

She honestly didn't know. On one hand, she wanted to immediately pick up the phone and dial the number she still had memorized. On the other, she had nothing to say.

“I have no idea,” she finally gave in. “I mean, she knew I was showing you around, so I don't know why she'd call today of all days.”

Sam instantaneously began softly chuckling to herself, then looked at Lena with a smirk. “It _sounds_ like she's claiming her territory.”

“What?” Lena was suddenly alert and lost. “This isn't her territory.”

“Maybe not, but she cares about you. And we both know neither of the Danvers like me. I could be wrong, and I don’t mean to sound cocky, but I think there’s a reason she called today of all days, when she knew I was here.”

Lena wished she was naive enough to deny that being a legitimate possibility, but she had seen Kara's jealousy at the DEO. She was trying to ignore it and dismiss it as nothing, but at the end of the day, despite how inappropriate it might be, she knew Kara had been jealous for a moment.

“Well, no offense here, but I'm not interested in you – and Kara and I aren't even friends, so she has no right to be jealous of anyone in my life.”

“I think the jealousy comes with pining, and that girl is _pining_ after you,” Sam said, casual as ever about it. “She doesn’t hide it well.”

Lena rolled her eyes, crossing her arms over her chest. “You haven't even met her.”

“No, but I've heard you talk about her. From the second you told me about how her visit in the hospital went I could tell she was pining. It's not a secret. She doesn’t even try to hide it, Lena.”

Lena was stumped. Jealous, she'd admit seeing, but pining? Kara wasn't _pining_ over her. Why would she be? If she was, she'd be pushing her way in, just like she did to everyone else. Kara barreled through walls and listened to absolutely no one when they tried to push her away. She always refused to listen when people told her to keep her distance.

But thinking about that, Lena paused. Maybe staying away _was_ Kara's version of pining. If Lena was anyone else in the world, she realized that Kara probably wouldn't be respecting her wishes for distance. She would've found a way to invite herself in the night Lena came home from the hospital, or sent a sweet text message, or called _long_ before now – and when she called it without a doubt would've been Lena's personal number, not through Jess.

That wasn't what was happening, though. Despite every aspect of her nature, Kara was staying away. There were no texts, no calls, no random visits. And as much as Lena hated to admit it, that might truly be Kara's way of showing how much she cared. To anyone else it wouldn’t make sense, but maybe staying away was proof enough that Kara might still have a thing for her.

But Lena didn't want to think about that.

“Well, that pining isn't mutual,” she straightened out papers on her desk, breaking their eye contact. “I'll figure out what to do with that later. Let's get the whole company policy thing out of the way.”

“Lena,” Sam chimed. “It's okay to talk about her.”

“I know. And we have,” Lena dismissed, feeling herself shut down. “Now we need to focus on work.”

Even though her eyes were on the papers she was shuffling through, she felt Sam’s stare at her a moment longer. It felt like eternity before she looked away, but eventually she agreed. “Okay. Let's do that, then.”

* * *

At 1 p.m., Lena decided not to call Kara back. 

At 1:30, she decided she would – just to see what Kara had to say.

At 2:30, she decided she didn't care. She wouldn't call.

At 3:15, she changed her mind. She'd call.

At 3:45, she asked Jess if she had any missed calls. She didn't. Kara hadn't called again.

At 4, she picked up her phone and dialed Kara's number. As she stared at the digits, she decided it wasn't a good idea. She wouldn't call after all.

At 5, she left work early. She wasn't getting anything done away, because she couldn’t seem to focus. When she left, she promised herself she wouldn't call.

At 5:40, she got to her apartment. _Don't call_ , she reminded herself.

At 6, after she ordered pizza, she pondered the idea of calling Kara again. _Maybe_ it wasn't a bad idea. It couldn't hurt anything.

At 6:05, she realized it could hurt a lot.

At 6:30, she finalized her decision. She wouldn't call.

At 6:45, her pizza came. Kara loved pizza. She cursed the thought for entering her mind. That was why she couldn't call. She didn't need to have any more thoughts like that.

At 6:55, after eating a couple slices of pizza, she changed her mind again. She'd call.

At 7, she was still mentally convincing herself how it definitely wasn't a bad idea to call.

At 7:15, she dialed the number again.

At 7:20, she was still staring at the number on her screen. Was this a good idea?

At 7:22, she decided it wasn't a good idea.

At 7:23, she decided she didn't care and pressed send. She was calling anyway.

At 7:24, Kara's nervous voice came through the line, and Lena realized exactly how much this might not be a good idea as her heart softened.

“Hey,” Lena replied to the confused ‘hello’. 

It took a moment to realize Kara might not have her number anymore. A moment of panic struck. What if Kara wasn't texting her because she simply didn't have her number? Maybe this had nothing to do with her respecting Lena's space. The thought that she might be looking too far into it made her feel foolish. She probably simply didn't have the number. Lena had deleted hers, after all. If it weren't for memorized digits she'd have no idea what Kara's number was.

“It's Lena,” she found herself adding.

“Yeah. I know,” Kara breathed. “I still have your number.” There was a moment of silence, then Kara's strained and somewhat embarrassed voice reverberated through the line. “Jess told you I called, didn't she?”

“She did,” Lena smiled at the timidness. “She also said you told her not to.”

“I did,” Kara squeaked out, sounding quite guilty over it. “I'm sorry.”

“It's fine.” Lena felt comfort overwhelm her – although she couldn't say why. It’s not like Kara was saying anything overly comforting. But the tone she had, and the sincerity in her voice… it was nice. And it had been missed. But she pulled herself out of that warmth and focused back on Kara. “Is everything okay?”

“Yeah, nothing’s wrong,” Kara was instantly reassuring her. There was a pause, then she was sounding beyond over apologetic, her words rushed and regretful. “I know I said I'd give you space, so I'm really sorry for invading that. You have my word that it won't happen again.”

“It's fine,” Lena repeated. She was more genuine than she anticipated being. “I know you're trying.”

“I am,” Kara eagerly promised. “But don’t worry. I'll try harder.”

“ _Kara_ ,” Lena said her name as if it were a gentle caress. “It's really fine. You're doing better than I expected, if we’re being honest.”

She heard Kara's laugh and her heart physically danced with joy. It had been a while since that sound had graced her ears.

“Well, I want to be better,” Kara said in a way that made Lena suspect there was a chest puff that went along with it. “I don't want to invade your privacy or force my way in. We agreed I wouldn’t do that.”

Lena stayed quiet, then said what had been on her mind all day. “It's in your nature to push your way in.”

“It's in my nature to do what's best for you,” Kara powerfully rephrased the statement. “Unfortunately, I'm not exactly best for you anymore. And that's not your fault. It's mine. But you deserve to be listened to. I want to respect your wishes.”

Lena didn't know what to say. She wanted to argue the claim, but what was there to argue? It was true. Kara wasn’t what was best for her. Or, she knew she shouldn’t be, at least. Kara shouldn’t be the best for her at all. Yet, for some reason, realizing Kara might be pining over her changed everything. And there Lena was, calling her back when she had no reason to. She wanted to pretend that that meant nothing.

“I just wanted to make sure you're okay,” Lena moved to end the call. They were getting to dangerous territory. “I’ll see you around?”

Kara’s tone didn’t hide her disappointment, even if the words were meant to be casual. “Count on it.”

“Well, bye, then,” Lena stumbled.

“Bye, Lena.”

Kara’s voice was so gentle that Lena almost stayed on the line. She almost asked how Kara was doing, she almost revoked their coexisting agreement and opted for friends instead, but Kara was right. For now, she wasn’t best for her. Lena was trying to take care of herself, and right now that had to be done without Kara by her side.

Right?

But why did it hurt so much without her?

* * *

“Your sister called me,” Lena found herself telling Alex on the phone the next day.

Half of her planned not to tell Alex about it, but the other half called specifically to discuss it. She could talk to Sam about it, she knew that, but there was something so appealing about divulging what happened to someone who knew Kara as well as Lena herself did. She wanted to hear Alex’s thoughts on it, because it was suddenly hard to keep Kara out of her mind. All she seemed to be able to think about was that maybe Kara’s lingering feelings were bigger than she’d first thought, and she didn’t know why that was so exciting to her, but it was.

Granted, she still wasn’t so sure she’d ever date Kara again - or even be her friend - after all that happened between them, but it was nice to know that she wasn’t the only one who still thought about how magical their relationship once was. It was relieving to know she wasn’t the only one who sometimes still had trouble remembering she’d moved on.

Some days it seemed like she had, too. Some days, Lena woke up and lived her life without thinking of Kara at all. But more often than not, there were little moments in the day where she still missed her. When a business deal went sour, her mind tended to drift to how Kara used to cheer her up. Sometimes she’d forget to each lunch, then at 3 p.m. realize it and think about how Kara would be so mad if she knew. It had gotten better lately, but sometimes when she was stressed, the first thing she wanted was Kara, because she was the only one who knew exactly how to calm her down.

She wondered if it’d always be like that. Hell, maybe this was normal. Everyone missed people, right? Missing her didn’t mean she hadn’t moved on. But as soon as she convinced herself of that, she’d find herself staring at the pictures of Kara she still had saved in her phone, hoping she was doing okay. And _that_ was hard to rationalize. That was when she had to admit that she probably hadn’t moved on as much as she would’ve liked.

The problem with letting go of the blazing rage she’d had towards Kara for so long was that now she was allowing herself to hurt. She was allowing herself to admit how badly she wanted to be understood like that again. She had Alex, and she had Sam, and they were great, but neither of them would ever understand her the way Kara did. With every passing day, she found herself doubting that there was anyone who would. Kara just _got_ her. She understood her in and out, flaws and all. She made Lena feel comfortable enough to talk about the things she swore she’d never tell anyone. She doubted she’d have another love like that.

So, even though she might not be ready to befriend Kara again, it was nice to think that Kara might be doubting the same. It made her feel less hopeless and pathetic. A year is a long time. It felt like she shouldn’t be thinking of Kara at all anymore. But knowing that Kara still thought of her too made some of those lingering feelings seem normal.

“So I heard,” Alex sighed on the other end of the phone. “She’s really sorry about it.”

“I know. She made that pretty apparent,” Lena smiled. “I hope you told her it’s fine.”

Alex was quiet for a few seconds, then spoke with sad curiosity. “Is it fine, though?”

“I mean, yeah,” Lena stammered out. She honestly hadn’t expected the question. Of course it was. “It’s just one call.”

“I know, but you were pretty clear on where you two stood,” Alex still sounded cautious. “If you’re upset about it, it’s okay to let her know.”

Lena frowned for a moment. Should she be upset? Was there a reason to be? Was that the appropriate response? Because all she knew was that _upset_ might be the one emotion she hadn’t felt. She was far from upset, actually. Just because she wanted space from Kara didn’t mean she hadn’t been longing to hear her voice - another thing that she was pretending was perfectly normal. In her defense, she didn’t even know she wanted to hear it until it was on the other end of the phone, unsure, yet Karaish, as ever. Even if Lena hadn’t been wanting a call, maybe she’d been needing one.

“I’m not upset about it,” she finally got out as an answer. The words were definitive. There was no question about it. “It was a surprise, sure, but it was also a surprise that it took her that long to call,” she laughed it off. “We both know your sister is a fixer.”

“We do, but… I don’t know,” Alex sighed. “I just don’t want her to force herself on you to the point of you being overwhelmed or in distress. You’ve been through a lot lately.”

The concern for her wellbeing was flattering, yet it also annoyed her that Alex thought Kara could send her so far backwards. Lena might have been in a dark spot a couple months ago, and she might not be feeling totally better, but that wasn’t due to Kara. It was partially due to loneliness, she’d give it that, but a lot of it was due to things she’d never worked out before. Her life was trauma after trauma, and that had nothing to do with Kara. She didn’t end up in the hospital from a break up. She ended up there because so many awful things in her life were buried and never spoken of, and even if she did want to speak about them, there was no one there to tell them to. She had no one to talk to before. All she had were her thoughts and memories, and apparently she had drowned in them for a little while.

But she stopped all those words from coming out and hid the annoyance behind reassuring words. “I’m fine, Alex. I promise. And she said it wouldn’t happen again.”

“Okay,” Alex hesitantly accepted the answer. “But… Try to be careful with her too. I know you said you’re both coexisting right now, so if that’s all you’re ready for, make sure it’s known.”

“She’s the one who called me,” Lena was suddenly defensive. “I just called her back.”

Alex sounded amused, but was also cautious in her teasing. “Kara talks, Lena. A _lot_. I got a word-for-word relay of your conversation. So, I know you’re trying to be gentle with her, but she’s getting her hopes up.”

“Her hopes for what?” Lena felt herself get anxious at the thought. Or was it more excitement? She wasn’t sure.

“That eventually you guys can be friends again.”

Lena was quiet, letting the words sink in. She thought over her answer, and in doing so realized it might have changed from what it had been a few days ago. “I never said we couldn’t be eventually. Just not right now.”

“Okay.”

She furrowed her eyebrows at the short response and unsure tone. “Why do you sound so worried?”

“Because–“ Alex sounded determined, then abruptly cut herself off. “Never mind.”

“No, what?” Lena was protesting. “I can handle it.”

“I know, but… Some things are better left unsaid.”

“But I want to know,” she adamantly fought. “What is it?”

Alex was quiet for a moment, then her voice came out hushed, as if she was saying something she shouldn’t be saying. Which, when Lena finally comprehended the words, she realized Alex probably shouldn’t be saying it. “She chose you as her mate, Lena. Getting too close will hurt you both, and it’d kill her to lose you twice. So, if you aren’t sure-”

Lena didn’t let her finish. She didn’t want to hear it, because, “I think choosing me as her mate ended when she turned down my proposal.”

She regretted sounding so bitter, but the words were the truth. If she was truly Kara’s mate, her and Kara would still be together. It was as simple as that.

“There’s no going back once you choose a mate, Lena,” Alex hesitated on the words, speaking slowly as if she was scared she’d say the wrong thing. “I know you don’t want to get back together, which is why I didn’t want to bring it up, but since you want to know, it’s always going to be you for her. There might be other girls, but…” Alex paused, then sighed. “You’re her mate. She chose you for life.”

“I’m aware of how Kryptonian mating works, but… I mean…” Lena was exasperated, trying to find a coherent sentence after the bombshell. “If she truly chose me, why did she leave me?”

“She wanted better for you. And she was scared,” Alex proclaimed. “It’s not a good answer, or even a fair one, but fear can make you do pretty stupid things.”

Lena couldn’t reply right away. When she could, she needed to verify she understood. “She still thinks I’m her mate?”

“She doesn’t think, she knows,” Alex boldly corrected her. “But she also knows where you stand with your feelings. And she’s respecting that. Or, she’s trying to. She’s trying harder than I’ve seen her try with anything. So… As I said, just be careful with her. Don’t make it any harder or more complicated than it has to be. If you want to coexist, fine. If you want to be friends, fine. I’m okay with whatever you need to do for your own health - I really _do_ want you to look out for yourself. But Kara is also my sister. I don’t want to see her hurting more than she has to either.”

 _Hurting more than she has to_? Lena’s mind raced. Kara didn’t _seem_ to be hurting that badly over it. She seemed like she regretted what happened in Paris, sure, and it did seem like she missed her and might want her back, but Lena viewed it as more of a mild ache or crush. Kara didn’t seem to be absolutely heartbroken over it. She thought Kara would’ve decided she’d been mistaken - that she’d simply decide Lena wasn’t her mate to begin with.

Then again, how much did she talk to Kara Danvers lately? If she was as delicate as Alex made it seem, Lena would probably be the last to know. That thought brought on more pain than it should. The thought that her and Kara had grown so far apart that Lena couldn’t recognize when she was _actually_ hurting - _badly_ hurting - was painful to think about. She used to be the one to heal Kara. Now, she was too far to notice the depth of her pain.

“I don’t mean to confuse her,” Lena promised. “It’s hard for me too.”

“I know it is,” Alex was ginger and sincere. “Saying it’s complicated would be an understatement. I just worry about _both_ of you. I don’t want to see either of you the way you were last June.”

“I never want to be the way I was last June,” Lena murmured lowly. “I’ll keep my distance until I’m sure of where we stand.”

She heard Alex let out a sigh of relief and pictured her shoulders sagging in the process. “That’s all I need to hear. Thank you.”

* * *

Lena had every intention of honoring that. She truly was going to keep her distance - and technically, she _had_ kept their distance. It was Kara who broke it. 

Sam was in Lena’s office when the call came through and Jess’ voice was on the line. “Kara Danvers is here to see you. She said there’s a scheduled interview with CatCo magazine.” Her voice got quieter and lower, and Lena could barely hear it, but she knew Kara would hear the words crystal clear. “She seems _very_ nervous.”

Lena’s day was committed to interviews with press, but she didn’t think there’d be one from _Kara_. There was a long list of publications who wanted information about what happened with her mother, so she honestly hadn’t even glanced at the itinerary. While she knew all the major publications of National City were on her schedule today, it never crossed her mind Kara Danvers might be included.

“Oh,” Lena stuttered for a moment. “Well - uh - yeah. Send her in, then.”

“Right away.”

She opened her mouth to explain the situation to a concerned looking Sam, but before she could, Jess was opening the door and showing Kara in as if she hadn’t been there hundreds of times before. When the door was shut, Kara didn’t move any further in and Lena couldn’t find the words to invite her. She seemed to be speechless all of the sudden.

“Hey,” Kara gave a wave from the doorway, looking so small and insecure. No one would believe the timid girl in front of her could be National City’s hero.

“Hey,” Lena’s voice was unordinarily warm when she finally regained her ability to speak. As much as she tried to fight it, a reassuring smile came to her lips. There was no reason for Kara to be scared. “Good to see you.”

“You too,” she nodded, then her eyes flicked to Sam with nervousness.

“Right!” Lena was standing from her seat, gesturing from one girl to another. “Kara, Sam. Sam, Kara.”

“Nice to meet you,” Kara extended a hand, but seemed to become rigid upon realizing who it was.

“You too,” Sam nodded politely. If she noticed Kara’s stiffness she did an excellent job at ignoring it.

Sam looked to Lena, seemingly worried about the visit, but all Lena could do was smile reassuringly at her too and explain, “She’s here with CatCo.”

“Ah,” Sam still seemed protective, but a smidge of understanding crept through. That didn’t mean she wasn’t hesitant to leave, though. She looked Lena over once more, seeming to make sure she was okay, before she stood up to leave. “I’ll let you guys get to it, then. Nice to meet you, Kara.” She turned to Lena, a gravely serious look on her face. “Call me if you need anything.”

“I will,” Lena promised. “Thanks for everything.”

“I’ll be in my office,” she smiled at Lena, then smiled nervously at Kara. “Again, it was nice to meet you.”

When the door shut, Kara didn’t move from being just past the doorway, making Lena laugh. “You can sit, you know.”

“Oh! Right,” she stumbled, nearing tripping over her own two feet as she moved to the chair in front of the desk. When she sat down, she placed the notepad in her lap and kept her gaze downwards. “Sam seems nice.”

“She is,” Lena agreed. “And she’s a huge help on my workload. I don’t have nearly as much to do.”

“That’s good, then!” Kara overcompensated her enthusiasm. Silence fell upon them until Kara spoke up apologetically. “I’m sorry for being here. I tried my hardest to get you a different journalist, but Snapper went on about consistency. He was less than understanding about our history. I tried to say there’d be confirmation bias on a personal level, but he didn’t seem to care.”

Lena almost felt bad for Kara’s ramble of guilt, because it wasn’t like Lena hated her. She could withstand a simple interview. This was business. “It’s fine. You’ve written better articles on me than anyone. If there’s a journalist who can restore the faith some people still lack after everything happened with my mother, it’s you.”

Kara’s face lit up and Lena cursed herself. That was probably a comment Alex wouldn’t be too happy to hear. It’d probably be considered in the _Getting Her Hopes Up_ category, which was exactly what Lena had just promised to avoid.

“Anyway, I’ll prepare myself for questions no one else has asked today,” Lena tried to laugh it off. “If I knew you were coming I would’ve prepared better answers. Your questions always stump me.”

“But your answers are always perfect anyway,” Kara mentioned as if it were the simplest thing in the world. “Trust me, I couldn’t write a bad article about you if I tried.”

Lena didn’t know what to say, so she just looked down with a small smile.

“Well - uh - I guess I’ll get started,” Kara stammered after a few seconds of silence. She looked down at her notepad and was already taking a deep breath. Her words were shaky and anxiety poorly hid. “In my interview with… Supergirl,” she mustered out, “she said you filled her in on your mother’s plot. What made you go along with it in the first place?” When Lena didn’t answer right away, Kara was already concerned. “Are you sure you’re okay to do this?”

“I’m fine,” Lena instantly promised, pulling herself out of her head. This was an interview. She’d treat it as just that. “I needed there to be an end to my mother. I saw the opportunity and I took it.”

“There wasn't a less dramatic way?” Kara asked, not looking up from the notepad to ask the follow up question. “From an outsider’s perspective it sounds like a risky plan. So many things could've gone wrong.”

“But they didn't,” Lena sat back in her chair, crossing her hands on her lap and trying to summon out the confident persona she’d had in every other interview today. “I was sure of my ability to succeed. There was never a doubt in my mind.”

“Not even while firing the bullet?” Kara's voice became soft and so far from the tone she used in interviews. “You weren't worried you'd accidentally hit Supergirl? There was quite a margin for error.”

“Not for a second.”

Kara pretended to write something down, but it didn't take a genius to see she was just scribbling to make it look like she was taking notes. She pursed her lips and nodded, still not regaining her journalism voice. “Okay then.”

“Kara–”

“So, when you–”

“We aren't moving on,” Lena halted the interview. “Look at me.” When Kara's eyes remained fixated on the yellow pad of paper, Lena repeated herself more forcefully. “ _Look_ at me, Kara.”

When blue eyes met hers, Lena stumbled, because there were so many emotions in them. There was fear, and embarrassment, and uncertainty, and regret.

“I was _positive_ that bullet wouldn't hit you. I swear on my _life_ ,” Lena conveyed with all the emotion in the world. “If there was any room for error I wouldn't have done it. If there was any possibility of hurting you I would’ve never agreed.”

Kara looked down again, then her words came out small. “You shot at me, though.”

There was no arguing that one.

“You just could've warned me,” Kara murmured, no sense of blame in her voice. “I know you'd never purposely hurt me, but… you _shot_ at me.”

“You are the one person in the world I’ve never taken risks on,” Lena told her earnestly. “If there was even a chance of that bullet hitting you I would've never done it. I will _always_ play it safe when it comes to your wellbeing. Trust me on that.”

Kara swallowed an audible lump in her throat, then recovered as if the conversation never happened. She looked down at the notepad and asked the next question with professionalism. “What's one thing you think the public should know about what happened?”

Lena stared at Kara, but when it seemed like she was okay she continued to answer her questions. It wasn't the same after that, though. Things were more tense than they were before – which Lena hadn't thought was possible. They were both walking on eggshells, holding in so many thoughts and feelings that should’ve been said long ago.

Kara stood to go after a few more questions and Lena pretended not to notice they were only halfway through the list she'd written.

“I'm sorry for not telling you,” Lena rushed out before Kara got to the door. “I'd never put you in harm’s way, though, Kara.”

“You're not the one who has to apologize,” Kara forced a sad smile. “Even if you weren't sure of the gun, no one would've blamed you for taking a gamble on my life after what happened.”

They both averted their eyes at the mention of Paris and all the emotions it brought. Lena wanted to comfort her and turn her back, all at the same time.

“I know you're sorry for that,” she found herself promising. “You've apologized enough.”

“Is there such a thing?” Kara asked, fiddling with her glasses with nervousness.

“There is,” she assured her. “You can't change what happened, but it's nice knowing how much you regret it.”

Kara let out a shaky breath and for a moment Lena thought she was going to cry, but then her voice came out unwavering. “I do regret it. Deeply.”

“I know.” There was a moment of eye contact, then Lena shuffled her weight to one leg and politely crossed her hands over her stomach. “I should probably get back to work.”

“Oh! Right!” Kara nodded. “Yeah, me too. Snapper already thinks I'm out of the office too much.”

“Imagine that,” Lena grinned.

Kara met her eye again for a moment, then went back to fiddle with her glasses again. “I'll see you around.”

“See you,” Lena waved.

When the door was shut, Lena clutched the edge of her desk and took a deep breath, trying to steady herself. How did she find ways to only miss Kara more? She had been doing so good with wanting nothing to do with her. She couldn't want her in her life again, because wanting Kara was dangerous. She was powerful, and not in the Supergirl sense, but in the heartbreaking sense. The only person who ever had the power to break Lena's heart was Kara. And she did it pretty damn good.

Hell, her heart was still broken some days - like today, like right now - when she realized she lost something that would probably never be found again. Those feelings might never come back to her. The way she could be so authentically herself with Kara, no matter if she was overjoyed or scared or sobbing in their bedroom, might never come back to her. She couldn’t picture opening herself up like that again, because she wouldn’t know the first thing about letting herself. She couldn’t allow herself to be hurt like that a second time - not with anyone.

And that thought was so isolating. Such a mass amount of loneliness came with the idea that Lena might never have another extraordinary relationship. She was scared of never falling in love again, then she was scared of falling in love again. There was no winning.

All she knew was she had a craving for Kara that was impossible to continue ignoring. She couldn’t pretend she didn’t want her anymore. Be even so, maybe she wanted her in her life again, that was great, but Kara still left their relationship in so much pain. So why - _why_ \- did Lena even _want_ to invite that into her life? She didn’t understand how she could know someone nearly ruined her, yet want that person by her side anyway. It made no sense to want that back, but she did - _god,_ she did. Maybe not as a relationship, but at least as a friend.

And all of those thoughts were too overwhelming to cope with right now. Even her work couldn’t distract her from that. She found herself staring at papers as time ticked away, no progress being made whatsoever because she was too far gone in her thoughts.

After forty-five minutes of blank stares, she hastily gathered her things and walked out of the office with a quick, “I’m going home for the day. Clear my schedule.” to Jess. She didn’t look back, nor did she confirm Jess heard her. She just needed to get out of that office, to get out of the place her and Kara had shared so many moments, including the unsufferably awkward one just an hour ago.

She didn’t even know where she’d go, but she had to go somewhere where that stupid white couch wouldn’t haunt her. She had to go somewhere without so many memories - yet _everywhere_ there were memories. Her head felt like it was in chaos. She couldn’t think straight. All that seemed to be able to run through her mind was, ‘ _Help me, help me, help me,’_ but she didn’t know what she wanted help from. She had been fine. Why did she suddenly feel the need for help to solve a problem that didn’t even exist?

For a minute there, it had felt like she had her life together, but right now, it was clear she didn’t. Her head was a mess, and Lena wasn’t even depressed about one specific thing, she just hated not being able to think straight. And she didn’t understand why she wanted to cry - there was no reason to cry. But fuck, she was ready to sob. She wished all these feelings made sense. She felt so much, yet didn’t know why. There was no explanation for them.

It’d been a while since she’d felt hopeless, though. She hadn’t missed it. She just needed to become okay again.

But she also needed to cry, and she couldn’t hold tears back much longer. So, she went to the one place she knew no one ever visited. Her apartment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> my poor girl is lost in her emotions :(
> 
> come talk to me (and remind me to update) on Tumblr: shes-cured


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> uhhhh, better late than never for an update???

Lena was laying on her couch, taking another break from crying and wondering if it’d start up again. She’d been home since three and since then had fallen into a routine of sobbing, then being calm, then sobbing, then being calm, and repeating that cycle continuously. The sobbing usually lasted longer than the calm, but she was grateful there was a calm at all, because it was the only thing keeping her from getting too deep into the darkness.

At six-thirty there was a knock on the door that Lena had no interest or intent on answering. She didn’t want to talk to anyone - even if it was Alex or Sam. She wasn’t in the mood. To be honest, she just wanted to be left alone to wallow in her misery. Self-pity wasn’t helping her, but neither would hearing someone give her the speech on how it all gets better with time and patience.

The knocking continued for a minute, then Sam’s voice sounded through. “I know you’re in there, Lena. I’m just gonna keep knocking, so I’d appreciate it if you let me in.”

Lena still didn’t move from the couch, but after another couple minutes of constant knocking she gave in. She kept her blanket wrapped around her shoulders as she went to open the door for the girl behind it. She didn’t make eye contact with Sam, quickly whipping around to go back to the couch before Sam could even see her face. There was no doubt that it wasn’t a pretty sight and Lena didn’t need to share it/

“This is… dark,” Sam tried to lighten the mood as she looked around the unlit apartment and Lena’s curled up frame on the couch.

Lena couldn’t find it in her to laugh, so she just snuggled further under the blanket, wrapping herself in her own little cocoon.

“Oh, Lena…” Sam sighed, moving to sit on the floor by her head. She nudged her until they made eye contact and Lena could see Sam’s worried expression, which only made her feel worse. “What happened?”

And just like that, tears came again as she began breathing heavy and gasping for air. All she could think about was how sad she was. She didn’t even know why she was sad at this point, she just was. And she was worried maybe she’d always be this way. Maybe life would never get better. She just knew didn’t want to keep going through this. She didn’t want to feel this way. She felt so not-okay. Actually, when the tears started that was all she could think. ‘I’m not okay, I’m not okay, I’m not okay,’ ran through her mind on repeat and the broken feeling set back in.

Sam stared, then looked around the room while Lena tore her eyes away and buried herself back under the blanket, protecting herself from the cruel, cruel world.

“Do you have anything for panic attacks?” Sam asked.

“This isn’t a panic attack, I’m just so… I’m sad, Sam!” Lena croaked, unable to say it all in one breath as she started crying again. “I’m not - it’s not a panic attack.”

“Okay, but even if it’s not I think it’d help,” Sam’s voice was soft. “Do you have anything?”

“Yes, but I don’t want it. I’m not even anxious. I just - I don’t want to feel this way anymore. I can’t. I can’t keep feeling this way!”

Sam rubbed a hand up and down the covers where Lena’s arm was laid. “Just try it. If it doesn’t work, it doesn’t work.”

Lena peeked her head out from under the covers, wiping her eyes again. “Fine. But I’m not anxious.”

“I know,” Sam gave a small smile. “Where is it? I’ll get it for you.”

“It’s in my bathroom drawer. The left one, closest to the door.”

Sam just nodded, getting up and cautiously walking through the apartment as Lena started to cry even more at the fact that she couldn’t even pull herself together enough to be a good host. Sam was a guest and Lena was making her do all the work. When did she become so weak and helpless?

“Here,” Sam returned with a bottle of pills and half a cup of water. “Take one.”

Lena sat up just enough to swallow it, then plopped herself back down and reburied herself under the covers to continue her crying.

“Get up a second,” Sam nudged her. Lena didn’t listen, so Sam did it again. “Just for a second. You need a hug.”

“If you give me a hug I’ll cry even more!” She continued what she knew were irrational hysterics. She just didn’t know how to make them stop.

“That’s okay,” Sam coaxed. “I can handle a few tears.”

For a minute Lena didn’t listen, but then she thought of how nice it would be to be held. When was the last time she had hugged anyone?

“Do you want to talk about it?” Sam asked when she was settled in with Lena in her arms.

“There’s nothing to talk about,” she proclaimed through sobs. “I don’t know why I’m this upset, I just am.”

“Okay,” Sam kept rubbing a comforting hand up and down her back. “I’m just gonna sit here with you, then.”

“You don’t have to, I’m fine,” Lena protested. “I’m not gonna do anything. Just go home to Ruby.”

“Ruby’s fine. She’s at a friends house. I’m here for you right now. I have no where else I need to be.”

Lena didn’t say anything, just continuing to cry over nothing. After a half hour she calmed down again, but this time she actually felt okay. She was calm _and_ not suicidal, which was better than the calm periods she had been having before. After a few moments of no tears, she pulled the covers down enough to reveal her head, then forced a smile. “How red is my face right now?”

“We’re not gonna worry about that,” Sam smiled with her. “Feeling better?”

“I don’t wanna kill myself any more,” Lena mumbled. “Is that what Xanax does?”

“When you’re having a panic attack? Yes, it’s supposed to help get you in a rational mindset again. And that _was_ a panic attack, for the record.”

Lena wiped the excess tears from her eyes, then sat up on the couch enough to give Sam her own space. “But… I didn’t even feel anxious. I just felt everything, all at once. And like life would never get better, so why bother? I wasn’t anxious about anything, nothing happened to me. Everything just seemed so horrible and like it’d never get better no matter what I did.”

Sam sighed, giving her a soft smile as she wiped away some of Lena’s smeared mascara. “Anxiety isn’t always worrying about a deadline or that you did something wrong. Sometimes, it’s being so overwhelmed by life that you can’t stop sobbing and can’t think about anything but how much you want to die, because something bad is bound to happen.”

Lena rolled her eyes, grumbling at the newfound knowledge. “Well, someone could’ve told me that. I used to have panic attacks all the time, then. I just always thought it was the depression.”

“The depression doesn’t help, but when you suddenly lose that much rationality over the fear that life won’t get better and you need to end it now before it gets worse? That’s panic,” Sam was gentle. She held the bottle of Xanax in the air, subtly shaking it. “Use these. They’re prescribed to _help_ you.”

Lena reached for the tissues that were on the table beside the couch and tried cleaning herself up. She let out a dry laugh, deciding to be blunt. “I thought you were full of shit when you said they’d help.”

“When have I ever been wrong in my advice?” Sam teased. She turned serious again right after. “I was a little worried they wouldn’t help too, though, to be honest. I don’t have panic attacks, I’ve just seen them in hospital stays and stuff.”

Lena nodded, pulling out yet another tissue. “How’d you know to come here?”

“Oh, uh… just a hunch,” Sam oddly stumbled.

Lena gave a quizzical look in return, because not once had she seen Sam stumble. “Why do you sound unsure about that?”

“Because I don’t know if you want to know the truth,” Sam averted her gaze.

Lena looked her over, then narrowed her eyes. “How’d you know?”

Sam stared Lena down for a moment, clearly deciding if honesty was the way to go, then she nodded with resignation. “Kara called the office around five asking for me. Jess tried to tell her we both weren’t in, but she said it was an emergency and sounded frantic, so she eventually listened and forwarded the call.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah. It took a while to figure out what the hell she was going on about, though,” Sam laughed a little. “She talks fast and rambles more than anyone I know.”

Lena wore a fond smile and nodded. “That she does.”

“Uh, this was on the floor of the hallway when I came. It was half tucked under the door. The flowers obviously weren’t,” Sam motioned to the coffee tables where a small vase of flowers was accompanied by a legal envelope.

Lena reached forward, grabbing the card from the bouquet and seeing the tiniest print and longest note in the history of flowers.

 

_Lena,_

_Sorry for crashing your office. Thank you so, so much for being so understanding. I promise, I’m really trying. Here’s a copy of the draft for your article. Let me know if you want anything omitted or changed, otherwise I’ll keep it as is. I owe you one._

_Kara_

 

When Lena realized she was smiling she instantly tried to stop, but she couldn’t. She missed these small gestures.

“Kara?” Sam asked.

“Yeah.”

Sam stared unsurely, then approached the elephant in the room. “Does this breakdown have anything to do with seeing her today?”

Lena thought it over, then gave a sad sigh to admit the sad truth. “Well, when it all started, before it spiraled into what is apparently a panic attack, it had everything to do with seeing her.” Lena shook her head with frustration. “I just don’t think I’ll ever find anyone to replace who she was in my life or how much she meant to me.”

For a moment, Sam couldn’t seem to find words and when she did they came out slow and cautious. “Some people come into our lives and feel so irreplaceable. But then, eventually, someone else comes around and replaces them. And the pain their name once brought is no longer there.”

“I guess…” Lena trailed off, then decided to finish the foreboding thought. “But I don’t think that’ll happen. Not because that person isn’t out there, but because I’m not so sure I have it in me to be more open than I am when I’m with Kara.”

Sam stayed quiet, and for the first time she didn’t seem to have words of wisdom.

“I just don’t know how to stop wanting her in my life,” Lena murmured defeatedly. “I don’t want her as a friend, yet I want her as a friend more than ever. Does that make sense?”

“Oddly, yes,” Sam laughed. “You don’t want her as a friend, because you don’t want to get hurt, but you also want her as a friend, because she’s the only one who’s ever really gotten you in your entirety.”

“Exactly!” Lena exclaimed. “Yes, you put it into words perfectly.”

Sam sighed, then approached the subject with hesitance and uncertainty. “No one’s saying you can’t be friends with her - or even date her, if that’s what you really want. It’s okay to be friends with her if you think it’d help you rather than hurt you. You just need to decide what’d be better for you.”

Lena thought it over, then ran a hand through her tangled hair. “She’s Kara. And no one can make me feel as good as she can, but, on the other hand, no one can hurt me like she can either.”

“Do you want me to be honest?”

“Always.” Lena braced herself for whatever would come next.

“I know you don’t want to risk being hurt again, but, Lena,you were falling apart just now due to her _not_ being in your life. So, I think you might hurt either way,” Sam’s voice came out ginger, the words factual as ever. When there was silence, Sam tilted her head to the side. “Do you want even more honesty?”

“I don’t know, do I?” Lena quirked an eyebrow with a small laugh. “That was pretty direct.”

“Well?”

She thought it over, then sighed. Sam’s honesty wasn’t always what she wanted to hear, but it was always what she needed. “Go ahead.”

“I think Kara does have the power to hurt you,” she admitted. “And if we’re being _really_ honest, I’m not even sure I trust her _or_ like her based on your guys’ past. But, as much as we both don’t want it to be so, she might also have the power to heal you.” Her voice held so many emotions. “If I didn’t see you two together today, I think my opinion would be different right now, but when you saw her… It was like all your walls came down, Lena - which is crazy, because I know you still have some up with her! But the minute she walked in… I had never seen you become so instantaneously soft. It was awkward, sure, but I’d never seen you smile like that before. Even reading her note just now, that same softness came back. And now, I don’t know. Maybe you need that.”

Lena didn’t answer at first, then she shook her head. “Maybe. But I don’t want to need it. And I know I don’t need _her_ , as a person. I’ll be fine with or without her in my life, but… I just feel like something’s missing by keeping her at a distance.”

Sam let out a deep breath, then reluctantly admitted, “If you’d be happier with her, I don’t see the harm in giving her another chance. She _did_ hurt you, and she was _so_ dumb, and a little bit of an asshole, but that wasn’t your entire relationship. Before that you guys were good. So, I don’t think she’s toxic for you, I think she’s just… I don’t know. I don’t know with her at all.”

Lena took a deep breath, then voiced the last fear she’d admit having. “What if I fall for her again, though?”

“Take it one step at a time. If you fall, you fall,” Sam shrugged as if it were that simple. “Then, after that, you decide if you can trust her with your heart again. But right now, we’re just talking about being friends. So, start there.”

“You think that’s the right choice?”

“I’m not deciding anything for you, but I think it wouldn’t a wrong one,” Sam agreed by not agreeing. “Do whatever you feel is right. Whatever your gut is telling you, go with that.”

Her gut got excited by the mere idea of Kara re-entering her life. And from that excitement, she guessed the decision was made. She’d give being friends with Kara a chance. She knew that might mean she’d end up getting hurt again, but Sam was right. She was hurting now as it was, and Kara _did_ have the potential to help with her healing process - she knew Kara couldn’t fix her, but having her support would certainly help. Because out of everyone in the whole wide world, no one knew her darkness and how to brighten it the way Kara did. That was the sad truth. Kara really could help heal her if Lena let her.

Or, it could end in shambles and Lena crying over the loss of Kara Danvers for a second time, but that was now a chance she was willing to take now. She was in a better place than she was before all this, and she felt she could handle things not working out without completely shattering.

Getting better was a long process, but at least those simple baby steps were happening. She wished she could magically be better and perfectly fine already, but she was slowly accepting that it might take months - maybe even years - to get to a place where she’d see a train or a gun without thinking of how it could instantly kill her. Even when she wasn’t suicidal, the thoughts still ran through her mind.

She had learned to realize that she might have to be patient with herself as she worked to get to a completely healthy mindset. And she had also learned to accept that that was okay. She had her whole life to heal. And that idea, the idea that she was still in the beginning of her life with so many years ahead of her, was both comforting and terrifying, but at least now it wasn’t _only_ terrifying.

Her progress was coming along slower than she initially hoped for, but it was there nonetheless. She was determined to keep focusing on how it was there. That was the important part - not how fast it came along. And one day, who knew. Maybe she’d look back and this time of crisis and rebuilding would seem like a different lifetime. That was the dream, at least.

* * *

Lena paced around her office every break she had, trying to grow the nerve to call Kara. At first she didn't because she didn't know what to say, and then she didn't because she was scared of what Kara would say. Lena knew she would be happy about her decision, there was no doubt about that, but there was a piece of her that was so scared one of them would break the other’s heart. She didn't want to lead Kara on and make her think she wanted to get back together and she didn't want Kara to re-enter her life only to decide to leave again. The entire thing was one big gamble that the two of them were worth it, and Lena hoped she wouldn’t lose when the stakes were so high.

When her workload died down and it was almost time to go home, Lena glanced at her phone again. She gave a sigh, wondering what Kara was doing or if she’d even answer her call if she did eventually grow the guts to follow through. The muted six o’ clock news was playing on the TV in the corner of her room, and it showed no sign of Supergirl in National City, but that didn’t mean Kara wasn’t preoccupied. She had friends and a life to live. She had Alex and James and Winn.

Lena picked up her phone and tapped it against the palm of her hand, then unlocked it and stared at Kara’s name for the hundredth. If Lena wanted a friendship she knew it’d have to be her to make the first move. She’d been quite clear with Kara about where they stood, so it was her who’d have to rescind the ‘coexisting’ offer to replace it with being friends - or trying to be, at least.

At six-thirty, when the news ended and a game show began, Lena took a deep breath. She just had to do it. There wasn’t going to be a perfect time or perfect thing to say, no matter how long she waited for it to roll around. Staring down at the phone, she took one last steadying breath and pressed the green icon to dial her number.

She anxiously listened as it rang for Kara, thinking about hanging up every second of the way. She didn’t know why she was so nervous, she just was. It was like this was some huge, defining moment for them, despite the fact that they had been friends for years before they ever dated. They knew how to be friends, so she didn’t know what she was worrying about, yet she couldn’t stop.

“Hey,” Kara’s voice came through the line, confused and concerned. “Are you okay?”

“What?” Lena was taken aback at the greeting. “Yeah. Why? Should I not be?”

And then, Kara was instantly reassuring her, stuttering all the while. “Oh! No! No, I’m glad you are! You just – you don’t usually call me, so I was worried something was wrong. When I last saw you you were pretty upset.”

“Oh, right,” Lena clicked her tongue. She had forgotten about her mental state from the night before. Today had been so… normal. It was surreal to think she was in the midst of a suicidal bearing panic attack less than twenty-four hours ago. “No, I’m okay now. Uh, thanks for the flowers. And the rough draft. The article is really good, so just… yeah, thanks.”

“You’re welcome to all of it.” That laugh came through the phone again, the laugh that Lena kept forgetting how much she missed until she heard it replay. “I’m just glad you’re okay.”

“I am. And… thank you for getting Sam, too,” Lena rushed out with a smidge of embarrassment that Kara had actually heard her so upset. “You didn’t have to do that.”

“It was either that or try to help you myself, and we both know that probably would’ve only made it worse,” Kara spoke sadly. Lena could hear the way she was definitely biting her lip right then. “Did I make you like that?”

“No!” she urgently exclaimed. Then, she paused and became quieter. “Maybe a little. But, not the way you think. It’s actually why I called.”

When Lena didn’t continue or explain, Kara unsurely spoke up. “Okay… So, what’s up?”

“Seeing you _was_ hard for me. It was pretty upsetting,” Lena admitted. “But it wasn't hard because I don't want to see you. It’s just… it’s hard to see you, but to not know anything that’s going on with you. And I thought I wanted that distance. I thought I wanted the whole coexisting thing, but you actually listening to me and following through with it… You being so respectful has only made me want more than coexisting. Not like a relationship or anything! Just… I want you in my life, Kara. I want you to check in on me every now and then, and I want to be able to check in on you without it being weird or you thinking something’s wrong. I want to know how your life is going, because I miss your presence in mine. I guess, that’s what it all comes down to, really, is me missing you. Me missing you a lot.”

There was silence for so long that Lena had to pull the phone away from her ear to make sure Kara was still on the other end. She had expected many replies, but silence wasn't one.

“Are you okay?” She asked unsurely after there was still no noise on Kara’s end.

“Yeah!” Kara brought herself back. “Yeah - yeah! I’m – of course I'm okay. I'd love that more than anything, you know that. It's just… Are you sure _you're_ ready? I don't want to unintentionally hurt you.”

“I know. I’d prefer if you didn't hurt me too,” Lena smiled a little at the concern. “But not talking to you is hurting me in itself. If our lives are intertwined again, I want them intertwined all the way.”

Kara was quiet, then her voice came out pained. “I _really_ don't want to hurt you again, though. I couldn’t live with myself if I did.”

“Good. Then don't leave.”

The words could've echoed. They sounded so loud and brash, but they held so much truth. At the end of the day, it really was as easy as not leaving.

Once Kara recovered, she sounded sure of herself. “I won't. I promise you that I won't.”

“Good. So… friends, then?”

“Would I ever really say no?” Kara tossed a question back. “You mean the world to me, Lena.”

And she wanted to talk about how deeply those words truly resonated with Kara, but that topic was too big. Right now, they just had to relearn how to be friends. They didn't need to talk about the past or Kryptonian mating customs.

“I, uh, need to go do Supergirl stuff,” Kara actually sounded disappointed to be her alter ego. “Can I call you tonight, though? To catch up?”

Lena hesitated, but the smile on her face told her the answer before it could be vocalized. “That would be nice.”

* * *

When Lena saw Alex's name display across her phone three hours later, she wondered if Kara had told her yet. The literal second she picked up the call she got her answer. 

“Lena Luthor calling Kara Danvers first? To be friends again nonetheless?” Her voice was _much_ more dramatic than it needed to be, if you were to ask Lena. “Should I alert the press? Call the queen, maybe?”

“Okay, we don't need to make it a big deal,” she grumbled.

“What do you mean?” Alex laughed as she continued to tease her. “This news is bigger than any headline out there!”

“Today's headlines are that the president is on the road to impeachment,” Lena reminded her flatly. “That's pretty huge news.”

“Which proves my point on _exactly_ how shocking this is,” Alex continued her fight. When she calmed down, her voice was light. “In all seriousness, I was very happy to hear the news.”

“Well, good,” Lena mumbled. “I'm glad.”

“I've been hoping you'd decide to be friends with her again soon.”

Lena wrinkled her eyebrows with surprise, because Alex hadn't pestered her once about rekindling their friendship. “Wait, really? You didn't seem to mind us not being friends at all.”

“I didn't _mind_ , but I mean, you're Lena and Kara. You're meant to be in each other's lives in some way or another, even if it's not romantically,” Alex said as if it was such a given.

Lena took the words in, because despite her distance with Kara over the past year and a half, they still felt true. Even if it wasn't romantically, it felt like Kara was always meant to play an important character in Lena’s life, not a temporary one. It felt like Kara was her extraordinary relationship - in fact, that wasn’t even a question.

“I won't lie; I'm a little scared to invite her back in, but…” Lena shrugged despite Alex not being able to see her over the phone. “I missed her, you know?”

“I know,” Alex comforted her. “She won't leave you, Lena.”

She was still nervous, but she was willing to put at least a smidge of faith in the idea that Kara would stay this time. “I'm hoping that's true.”

* * *

When her phone rang at eight that night, Lena stared at the numbers across the screen. She still had to re-save Kara's name in her contacts, but her heart sped up even upon seeing familiar digits. She took a deep breath and prayed their conversation wouldn't be too awkward, then picked up with a perky, “Hey!”

“Hey,” Kara sounded ecstatic to hear her. Then again, she was naturally bubbly, so maybe Lena was just thinking what she wanted to be true. “Sorry I had to go so suddenly earlier.”

“It's okay. Supergirl was needed.”

And if there was one thing Lena would always understand it was Kara's dedication and need to be the hero. It was frustrating at times – especially when they were dating and she'd have to leave before the entree even came – but it was Kara's way of staying confident. She'd be a lesser version of herself if it weren't for Supergirl, and Lena knew that. So, no matter how many dates ended too early, and no matter how badly Lena sometimes worried for her safety, she had accepted that Supergirl was something that Kara needed in her life to remain herself. And it was something she'd always have to sometimes put before Lena.

“I know she was, but I didn't want you to think I don't _want_ to talk to you,” Kara told her. “I missed you. I didn't want to hang up so soon.”

“I understand.” Lena suddenly remembered how nice being reassured that she was wanted was. “You're here now, though. What are you up to?”

“Hiding out in an empty DEO holding cell. How ’bout you?”

“Finishing up my dinner. I got a really good salad from the cafe down the street”

“Lena,” Kara didn't hesitate to chastise her. “A salad is _not_ a dinner.”

“A salad is a very healthy dinner. You should try one.”

“I've tried many with you and they were all equally disgusting.”

Lena laughed, shaking her head at the melodrama. “You were fine.”

“But quite unhappy,” Kara reminded her. Lena could picture the nose scrunch that went with it. “You should order Chinese.”

“I'm full now.”

“Not possible. You can't get full off of leaves.”

“There was chicken in it.”

“Doesn’t count.”

Lena scoffed, falling into their old routine of fun and banter so easily. She shouldn’t have been worried. This wasn’t awkward at all. “And why doesn’t it count exactly?”

“Because it’s surrounded by leaves.”

“Well, some of us need nutrition to stay healthy, Kara,” she told her flatly. “Not all of us have Kryptonian metabolisms.”

“Alex doesn’t eat salad all the time and she’s not a Kryptonian.”

“Well-“

“And Winn doesn’t eat salad all the time and _he’s_ not a Kryptonian.”

“Okay-“

“And _James_ doesn’t eat salad all the time and _he’s_ not a Kryptonian either!” Kara continued her arguments.

Lena shook her head, but a wide smile was spread across her face. “Are you done?”

“Do you agree with me?”

“I forgot what you were trying to prove, but probably not.”

“Oh my god,” Kara groaned. “You’re lucky I’ve missed you or I’d hang up.”

“No, you wouldn’t.”

Kara’s voice was so soft and honest. “No. I wouldn’t.”

Lena pondered how raw she wanted to be. After a moment, she decided she’d go all in. This was Kara, after all. “I really have missed you. I hope you know that.”

“You too,” Kara murmured. “You have no idea how much.”

Lena set her salad on the coffee table and pulled her knees to her chest. “I think I probably do.”

There was a moment of silence, then Kara sounded pained again. “I’m really am sorry for leaving you, Lena. If I could change it-”

“What’s done is done,” Lena tried to brush her own pain away.

“Yeah. Trust me, I know,” Kara sounded bitter over the fact that the one power she didn’t have was going back in time. “That’s exactly why I’m so sorry.”

“I mean, it hurt, but I’m okay now,” Lena spoke what had somehow become the truth. When they first broke up, she thought she’d never get over it, and, while there was still pain attached, now the break up had become a twinge of sadness instead of a crushing despair over the past year. “No more apologizing, though. It’s over.”

“I’m always going to want to apologize.”

“Don’t. I won’t allow it,” Lena was firm on the matter, hoping Kara would listen. “Rule number one of being friends again is no more apologizing about what happened.”

“But how can you know how sorry I am if I’m not allowed to say it?”

“I’ll know. I’ll see it in your actions,” Lena promised. “I speak _Kara Danvers_ pretty fluently. I know your body language and I know when you’re making up for something.”

Kara gave a small laugh. “I might spend my whole life making up for it.”

“I hope you don’t,” Lena was candid in her words. “You need to forgive yourself. You’ll be miserable if you keep beating yourself up.”

There was silence, then regret. “As I said last time, that might not be possible.”

“If _I_ can forgive you, I think you can find it in yourself to do the same.”

“Have you?” Kara quietly brought up. “Forgiven me, I mean.”

Lena stayed silent for a moment, but she realized she had. She didn’t know when, but somewhere along the way she had let go of her grudge. She wasn’t sure when - somewhere in between letting go of her anger and sobbing from missing her, she knew that - but she had been long forgiven. What once seemed like something that would always be a barrier to them being close again was now just an unpleasant memory - a bad decision on Kara’s part. And while Kara’s bad decision might have ended their relationship, it wasn’t like Lena hadn’t made bad choices too - ones that Kara had forgiven her for.

Like the time she, for over a year, hid the fact she was dating Kara from the world, making her girlfriend feel like a secret. At first, she didn’t even want Alex to know, and it killed her to think of how much that must’ve killed Kara back then. She regretted it immensely when she thought about how much pain her own fear caused.

Then, there was the time she’d spent Kara’s 30th birthday in China on a business trip. Kara had put on a brave face and said it was okay, but Alex had called her that night, absolutely livid for putting her sister second. Lena’s heart broke when she heard Kara had cried due to Lena choosing business over her.

And she desperately wanted to forget the time she had visited Lex without telling her. She had planned on telling her after she came back from visiting him, but then he said awful things about Lena, and _extra_ awful things about Kara, so she had decided she wouldn’t tell Kara about it at all. Multiple times Kara had asked what was wrong after she’d gotten back, but Lena didn’t have the heart to tell her what happened. She hated her family. She hated her family, and she hated herself for being a part of it, so she pushed Kara away for a month before Kara finally figured it out. It was only after Lena was okay again that Kara confessed she had thought Lena’s distance was her falling out of love with her. Part of Lena wanted to laugh at the absurdity, but a greater part felt stabbed, because Kara deserved to feel loved always.

Oh, and there was also the time she pretended to go along with her mother’s plot to end Kara’s life and pointed a gun with a kryptonite bullet at a flying Supergirl. That should probably be in the mix too, but that one still ached too much to think about for too long.

Lena had definitely made mistakes of her own in their past.

“If I hadn’t forgiven you I wouldn’t have invited you back into my life,” she assured the girl she had missed oh, so much. “We wouldn’t be having this conversation if I hadn’t moved past what happened.”

“Okay. Well, can I say ‘I’m sorry’ one last time then?”

Lena smiled, then gave her permission. “Go ahead. But it’s the last time!”

“I’m sorry,” Kara promised with enough heart to last a lifetime.

Lena nodded despite Kara not being able to see, then said what she clearly needed to hear. “All is forgiven.”

“ _Kara_!” Lena winced when she faintly heard Alex’s voice, coming across angry as ever. “What the hell are you doing? You’re _weeks_ behind on paperwork and you’re just hiding away in the holding cells?”

“I’m on the phone with a huge lead on a story I’ve been covering at CatCo.”

There was a pause that was just long enough for Alex to check her watch, then sound skeptical. “At nine o’ clock at night?”

“ _Huge_ lead,” Kara sounded apologetic. “We’re almost finished. I’ll be right up.”

There was more silence, then Alex sounded like she was proud of solving a case. “That’s Lena, isn’t it?”

“No, it’s a huge lead!” Kara was a little too defensive over the accusation. “Would I ever push off what needed to be done just to chit-chat with friends?”

“If it was Lena? Yes, absolutely.”

Kara sounded increasingly annoyed, but didn’t bother to deny it again. “I’ll be right up.”

“If it’s really a huge lead on that phone, good. You better. The DEO needs you to put aside CatCo for a moment,” Alex was stern, but her voice turned soft to finish the sentence, “but if it’s _Lena_ , take your time.”

It was silent for a while, then Kara’s hushed voice came over the line. “Did you hear all that?”

“Every word,” Lena couldn’t stop grinning over it.

Kara sounded happy too, her voice filled with foax concern. “Do you think she’s feeling okay?”

Lena decided to play along with Kara’s overdramatics just this once. “The girl who used to yell at us _constantly_ for hiding out in those cells just told you to take your time talking to me. Something is definitely wrong. You should be very worried.”

“I am!” Kara laughed. “All she does is nag me about incomplete paperwork.”

“Well, I mean, I know you don’t like paperwork, but you’re _weeks_ behind?” Lena double-checked she heard that one right. “Apparently she _needs_ to nag you.”

“I like the fighting, not the data reports.”

Lena smiled. She did remember that quite well. “I'm gonna let you go do your paperwork. I don't want to contribute to this procrastination.”

“Alex _just_ said I could take my time,” Kara huffed. “I don't want you to hang up yet.”

“I know, me either,” Lena confessed. “Can I call you tomorrow?”

Kara let out a much-too-dramatic groan. “You're seriously hanging up now?”

“I am. It's time, Kara.”

“ _Fine_ ,” she pouted. “You better call me tomorrow, though. We still have a lot to catch up on.”

Lena thought it over, wondering if she should continue extending the olive branch. Eventually she accepted that this conversation was worthy of doing so. “I'm not doing anything on my lunch break. If you want…”

“I want,” Kara didn't need her to finish. “Am I allowed at L-Corp? I can get us both food on the way and we can eat in your office? Just like old times.”

The thought of ’old times’ made Lena's heart melt. She couldn't think of a better way to spend an hour.

“Try not to make the food _too_ unhealthy.”

“Oh, don't hold your breath,” Kara sang. “Text me a good time, okay?”

“I will,” Lena promised. It was like the hole inside of her had been filled with just one phone call. “See you tomorrow, then?”

“Yeah,” Kara sounded over the moon. “See you tomorrow.”

* * *

“Kara's coming _here_?” Sam asked. “For lunch?”

“Is that crazy?” Lena winced. “Too fast for rebuilding a friendship?”

“No! No, it's not, I just…” Sam sighed. “I never thought you'd invite anyone into this office. It seems like your sanctuary - in a completely unhealthy, workaholic way, don’t get me wrong!”

“It is,” Lena shrugged, not bothering to address the opinions that accompanied it. “But Kara's been to the sanctuary plenty of times before. She used to eat lunch here almost every day.”

“Oh,” Sam nodded. “That's actually surprising.”

Lena scrunched her nose in confusion, tilting her head to the side. “Why?”

“Honestly? I just can't picture you setting work aside for an hour every day to eat lunch with someone,” Sam proclaimed. “I mean, I know I've only been here a few days, but I think this will be the first time I've seen you even eat lunch.”

She didn't know why, but she wanted to downplay the significance of that. She knew she could forget to eat – or just not decide not to in favor of work – but she'd always make time for it if it meant having lunch with Kara. However, she wasn't going to think about how that only applied to the girl who’s first visit there had been as a mere blonde haired not-reporter. Now, there was no one else she'd offer to interrupt her work day for.

“Well, believe it or not, I _can_ have a work-life balance when I choose to,” she decided to brush it off with humor rather than address it. “You should be happy about that.”

“I _am_ happy! I'm just surprised!” Sam laughed along. “I hoped she'd be good for you, but this is a whole new level of healthy living.”

“It's just lunch,” Lena rolled her eyes.

Sam snorted at the implication. “If it's _just_ lunch you should be eating it every day. Food isn't an inconvenience.”

“I just like working,” she grumbled back.

Sam opened her mouth to make a counter remark, but before she could there was a soft knock on the door, then Jess appearing from behind it. She seemed nervous to even announce what she came for. “Uh – Kara Danvers is here to see you.”

“I knew she was coming. It's not an issue,” Lena told her in an attempt to get rid of the anxious expression on her face. “You can let her in.”

Sam stood up, a teasing smile on her face as she waggled her eyebrows. “Have fun.”

“It's not like that, Samantha.”

“Right,” she kept taunting. “I'll be back at two to see how it went.”

Lena had nothing more to say about how _just_ friends her and Kara were, so she decided to let Sam think what she would. It was honestly just lunch.

Kara walked in as Sam walked out and Lena couldn't ignore the way her heart still sped up. Something about Kara would always make her instantly feel happier. Even if she was already happy as could be, when Kara showed up she would still feel even better.

“Hey, stranger,” Kara grinned, then held up a bag of take out. “I brought food.”

“My hero,” Lena chimed, standing up and debating what to do.

Should they hug? If they did how long should it last? Lena didn't even know the appropriate length of a friendly hug. She'd only ever really been affectionate with Kara, and looking back on things, it seemed like their hugs had never been all too friendly. Even before they dated, they probably lasted a little too long.

In the end, Kara made the decision for her. She held the bag of food in one hand, but wrapped both arms around Lena, holding her tighter than she had been held in a while – which Lena decided was simply because they were making up for lost time.

“I missed you,” Kara murmured against her ear.

Lena broke out into a smile and pulled Kara tighter as well. “I missed you too, Kar.”

When they pulled away, Lena still didn't know the appropriate length of a friendly hug. She decided maybe it wasn't important to figure out. Kara's hugs were too good to cut short.

Then, she ignored how much she was fixating on a simple hug. It was just a hug. It wasn't even that big of a deal. But nevertheless, Lena felt the most at ease as she had in a while. Something about Kara's arms was so comforting. She couldn't place why or what made it that way, but no one else could make her feel so okay with two simple arms.

“What'd you bring me?”

“ _Real_ food,” Kara taunted, a grin plastered on her face. They both glanced at the white couch that hadn't been used in well over a year, then at each other. Kara put the final decision on her. “Should we sit at your desk or…?”

“Uh,” Lena glanced at the couch again. It was unfathomable how much significance one piece of furniture could hold. After thinking it over, she motioned to it as if it was no big deal. “We can relax, if you want.”

“You sure?”

Lena nodded with more definitiveness. “Yeah. I’m sure.”

They both slowly moved to the couch, which Lena realized was a tad silly. It was _just_ a couch. Except was it really? After endless lunch dates, and make out sessions, and more than a few occasions of intimacy that were well-past make out sessions, could it ever be just a couch again?

“You always said you’d throw this couch out if we ever broke up,” Kara laughed as she set down the food and took off her purse. “I’m glad you didn’t.”

“Yeah, well, I always have been all talk,” Lena decided to keep things casual and laugh along. “It’s a nice couch. I couldn’t bear to part with it.”

At the time, it was more like she couldn’t bear to part with Kara.

Kara sat down, sinking into the cushions and taking a deep breath in. She nodded with a comforting sigh to them both. “It really is a nice couch.”

Lena sat down beside her, putting a safe distance between them and slouching into the cushions as well. “I know. It really is.”

Kara leaned forward and opened the bag, taking out three entrees of some sort of pasta. Lena would never admit it to Kara, because that would give her too much satisfaction, but her mouth watered at the smell of Italian food instead of another salad. When she opened the order Kara chose for her her stomach actually grumbled.

“Shrimp Alfredo?”

“That’s your favorite from Antonio’s, right?”

Lena smiled at the pasta, glancing up at Kara with a small nod before looking down again. “Yeah. Thank you.”

“Of course,” Kara opened her first order of spaghetti and meatballs, setting the second one aside for a moment. “I figured if I was going to make you eat I might as well make it something I know you love.”

“Oh, I do love this,” Lena promised. “Anything with fettuccine is amazing.”

“So you’ve said,” Kara chimed. “I think mine is better, though.”

“You’re eating literal children’s food.”

Kara looked up with a testy expression, a playfulness in her eyes that haunted Lena for months after their break up as she longed to see it again. “I brought you _quality_ cuisine, and you dare to mock my food?”

“Oh my god, be a little more dramatic,” Lena shook her head, but it was with the greatest fondness.

She watched Kara huff a little and look towards her pasta, making a challenging face that Lena knew was directed at her. “I could be if that’s what you really want.”

Lena fought herself not to stare at Kara while Kara looked elsewhere, because she knew Kara could probably feel her gaze. Lena could always feel when Kara’s eyes were on her, at least. Still, she wanted nothing more than to just look her over and take in everything about her, to analyze everything that changed and stayed the same over the past year.

However, she _also_ wanted to keep things casual between them, so instead of staring, she took a brief glance towards her, then focused on spinning noodles around on her fork. “More melodrama is the last thing we need. How’s CatCo?”

* * *

“Hey,” Sam knocked on Lena’s door around six with a sly smile on her face. “I’m on my way out - and you should be too - but I have a story you’d love to hear.”

“You do?” Lena was skeptical. “As in a story I’d actually love to hear or a business proposal?”

“Oh, no, you’ll love this,” Sam told her as she appeared to be on the verge of laughing right then and there. “Wanna hear?”

Lena leaned back on her office chair, crossing her hands in her lap with a smile of her own. “Well, now I’m intrigued.”

“So, I got a phone call today during your _lunch_ with Kara,” Sam walked further into the office. “Guess who it was.”

“Edge?”

“Not even close.”

“Someone from Metropolis?”

“Still not close,” Sam paused, then actually did laugh. “I’ll just tell you. Alex Danvers.”

Lena furrowed her eyebrows in confusion. That made no sense whatsoever. “She called _you_?”

“No, she called Jess looking for you, but said it was some huge emergency that required immediate attention, so Jess repeated how you weren’t available, but she could transfer it to Robinson, which Alex agreed to - I think she was too stubborn to back down at that point - but he wasn’t available either, so she said she’d transfer it to me and it was golden, Lena,” Sam let herself loose, her laughter beaming through. “She scrounged up questions acting like she had any reason to be calling your business line, then when I answered them all she goes, ‘Hey. Do you know if my sister is there right now?’”

Lena shook her head. A smidge of her was full of disbelief, but a larger part wasn’t surprised at all. It was so nosey, but it was Alex. Lena shouldn’t have expected anything less. “And you said?”

“‘I have no idea. Ms. Luthor is in a meeting and asked not to be disturbed,’” Sam smirked. “To which _she_ said, ‘Ah, so now she’s Ms. Luthor to you?’” Sam sat down, slouching over in the chair with a wide grin. “I still say she’s all bark, no bite. Getting under her skin is great, though.” Then, she furrowed her eyebrows with concern. “Am I allowed to get under her skin? Are you okay with that? Because I can be nice and compliant. You’re the boss, after all.”

“Get under her skin all you want. She needs someone to do it. No one else seems to be capable of coming close.”

Sam’s smile somehow grew as she gave a confident nod and leaned back in her own chair. “Well, then. Challenge accepted.”

As much as Lena loved Alex, she also loved that she was being defied for once. She loved how crazy it drove her even more. “Did she say anything else?”

“She said she could ruin me if I pulled anything. Or she could just because she felt like it. Then, I said she’s too uptight and rule-following to ruin someone’s life for the fun of it. So, she said, ‘try me’, and I told her if tearing someone down is how she wants to live her life, feel free, but _I_ wouldn’t be able to live with myself for doing such a thing. Then I added how I didn’t think she’d be able to either, because she’s simply too soft for it. She didn’t like _that_ one bit,” Sam didn’t seem too bothered by it. “Oh, and I _may_ have used you as leverage and said you’d be pissed if she even tried to destroy me for no reason, and why would she want to jeopardize your friendship when she just got it back… Too far?”

“On the brink of too far, but not too far quite yet,” Lena acknowledged. “She’s probably so pissed at you.”

“I’m sorry, she’s just fun to mess with,” Sam couldn’t wipe of the smug smile. “ _So_ fun.”

“Oh, no apology needed to me. You have my blessing,” Lena told her with a smile of her own. “Her ego is here,” she held a hand high up in the air, “and we need it to be about here,” she dramatically lowered it. “That’s now added to your job duties.”

“Being paid to fluster someone?” Sam asked. “My dream.”

Lena started gathering her things. Maybe leaving the office at a reasonable hour wouldn’t be so bad. Suddenly, she wasn’t trying to escape her life with work anymore. She had a life worth living. And apparently she had to give Alex a call, because she shouldn’t be bothering her employees, nor should she be pestering them about her personal life.

“You’re a star employee already, Sam,” she praised. “Keep up the great work.”

Sam shook her head, waiting for Lena to load her briefcase as she stood as well. “I told you I wouldn’t let you down, boss.”

And in this odd, twisted chain of events, what Lena deemed as impossible was reality. Suddenly, with all this love, it felt like her life wasn’t in shambles anymore. It felt like the future my have hope of being worth living. She had Alex and Sam and _Kara_.

She always proclaimed how fine she was on her own, but with this shift of mood she was realizing that may not have been so true. Maybe her depression was effected by loneliness. She could shove down the fact she had no one and pretend it wasn’t true, but at the end of the day, maybe having no one to call on bad days truly was what pushed her over the edge.

Or, maybe this was just the medications working. Maybe they weren’t bullshit after all. Maybe science worked on her too.

She guessed it didn’t really matter, though, did it? Right now, in that moment, walking out of her office with a friend at a normal hour, she felt happy. She didn’t want to acknowledge it, because she didn’t want it to go away, so she was shoving the realization as deep down as she could, but she was. For the first time, she realized she hadn’t been depressed at all that day.

And somehow, while she knew she should love being happy, only half of her was overjoyed by it. The other half was utterly terrified, because how long would this last? What if it was temporary? Being happy would only make the crash of depression so much worse when it came back. She wanted this, she did, she really did, but it was also a risk to enjoy the feeling, because it could be gone tomorrow. And the only thing worse than being depressed would be feeling happy, then having it taken away from her.

So, she pretended she didn’t notice the way she hadn’t thought about killing herself all day or how she had smiled more than she had in the past month. If she didn’t notice it, she couldn’t lose it. And that was all she wanted - she didn’t want to lose this feeling again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you guys still like this story!! Sorry the updates are so slow! I work full time and I'm a full time student so a girl is busy. 
> 
> follow me on Tumblr if you'd like: shes-cured.tumblr.com


	9. Chapter 9

“Lena Luthor,” Alex grinned when she opened the door to her apartment, stepping aside to let Lena in. Her tone made Lena feel more welcome than she’d felt anywhere in a long while. “Welcome back to The Cave.”

She rose an eyebrow with skepticism. “You call your apartment The Cave?”

“I think it fits,” Alex gave a small shrug, turning to grab her cup of coffee again. “I'm surprised you didn't bail. It's been how long since I've seen you? I’m glad you’re done avoiding me.”

“I wasn't avoiding _you_ ,” Lena corrected with a slight blush upon being called out. She mumbled out the truth of the matter. “I was avoiding your sister.”

“Ah. And now that you're both friends I'm safe to hang out with again,” Alex nodded along with a humored smile.

“Exactly,” Lena offered an unashamed grin in response. She wouldn’t even bother arguing it, because it was unbelievably true. She didn’t mean to avoid Alex, she was just collateral. “It was honestly nothing personal. We just both know Kara would have gotten jealous if we hung out while I refused to talk to her. It'd be like rubbing our friendship in her face.”

Alex slid a cup of coffee Lena's way, then quirked her own eyebrow. “You’re saying you cared about hurting her feelings this whole time? That’s why we didn’t hang out?”

“Of course I cared,” Lena rolled her eyes at Alex’s ignorance. One of the most constant things in Lena’s life was her desire not to harm Kara. No matter what, that was a priority. “Just because her and I weren't friends didn't mean I wanted to hurt her.”

Alex pursed her lips, but didn't say whatever comment she clearly had sitting on the tip of her tongue. “Well, that was very kind of you, then. Not towards me, of course, but for her.”

“Mmm,” Lena acknowledged with an unapologetic grin, taking a sip out of her mug and ignoring the feelings for Kara Danvers that she was ninety-nine percent sure Alex was implying were still there. “I'm here with you now. Focus on that.”

“I am, because it's shocking,” Alex teased her again. “Lena Luthor in the flesh. Wow. I never thought the day would come. I was giving up hope, but now it’s alive again.”

“The melodrama,” Lena rolled her eyes again, then changed the topic to something safer - something not Kara. “How's the DEO?”

“It's fine,” Alex hummed. “There's a job opening in the lab.”

“I'm a little busy running a company,” she still smiled at the offer. “No alien masterminds are threatening to rampage through National City?”

“Knock on wood, but for once there’s not.”

Lena didn't want to ask, but she did want to know. She fiddled with her mug, then nervously voiced the question. “How's my mom’s case coming along?”

“It’s good. Really good,” Alex told her with a mix of caution and reassurance. “There's a _lot_ of evidence. And testimonies. It seems like an easy win.”

“Permitting she stays in prison and one of her groupies doesn’t break her out,” Lena mumbled, running a hand over her entire face with disdain. “We've been this close to conviction before and she seems to always find a way out.”

“I know. But hopefully this time is different,” Alex murmured definitively. “You did all you could to put her behind bars. Anything that happens from here on out isn't your fault.”

Lena took a deep breath, shaking her head defeatedly. She wished she had a different family. One less complex, one that wasn’t homicidal. But, then, she smiled and gave a dry, dry laugh. “I can't believe I really convinced her I resented Kara so much that I wanted to kill her,” she mused. “In what world would that be true, right?”

“Yeah, well, don't be too proud. You're an idiot for going along with it in the first place. Even if you did deem it fool proof, you're an _idiot_ , Lena,” Alex’s voice was sharp and held no room for arguing. “You could've spent your whole life in prison.”

“I don't know if you recall, but that's what I wanted,” Lena chanted of a time that seemed so distant and different from the reality she was living out now. She pursed her lips, then softly proclaimed, “I really didn't expect you to believe I was innocent, you know?”

“ _What_?” Alex gawked. “Why wouldn’t I?” Lena just shrugged in response, causing Alex to let out an actual laugh. “I hate to inform you of this, because I’m well aware of how much you hate it, but I _know_ you, Lena. I know who you are. And excuse my lack of a better phrase, but you would kill yourself before you killed my sister. No doubt in my mind.”

“Hey! You thought I was trying to kill her for _years_ ,” Lena defended herself, reminding them both of all the time she’d spent sucking up to Alex Danvers, walking on egg shells and trying to show her how madly in love she was. “In case you’ve forgotten, Kara and I were inseparable for two whole years before you even gave me so much as a real smile.”

“ _That's_ over exaggerating,” Alex dismissed the very accurate claim. “I was polite.”

“Yes, but also visibly skeptical and distrusting.”

Alex rose her eyebrows and took a challenging sip of coffee. “She's my sister. I needed to be sure.”

“I know. I don't blame you a bit,” Lena promised. “But that's why I was surprised when you were so certain I was innocent. I was charged with _actual_ attempted murder against her. I thought you would’ve changed your mind on me considering the circumstances.”

The girl who was like a long lost sister shook her head and waved the idea away like it was absolutely ridiculous. “A year didn't change how much I believe in your goodness. I didn't believe you for a single second in that interrogation room. I knew damn well you were full of shit.”

“Yeah, I saw that,” Lena smiled at the blind faith. “I just wasn't expecting it.”

Alex scoffed, then looked at her pointedly again. “ _Idiot_.”

“Now, now, be nice,” Lena taunted. Truth be told, it was somewhat embarrassing how she planned to waste her life away in a cell for a crime she didn’t commit. She was seeing now how much she would have missed. “Hey, how’s your love life?”

Alex scrunched her eyebrows, her guard shooting right up and eyes turning into suspicious slits. “That was a terrible segue. Why do you want to know such a thing?”

“It wasn’t a segue, it was just a question,” Lena humphed.

Alex clearly wasn’t any more convinced. “It's fine. Why?”

“No reason. Are you seeing anyone?”

Alex was still hesitant in answering, but did nonetheless. “No… But once again, _why_? You always have a reason.”

“I was just wondering,” Lena dismissed it away, but the plan was already forming in her mind. But instead of sharing it, she changed the subject. “Since the DEO is slow will you actually get to enjoy the long weekend next week? It’s a federal holiday.”

“I see right through you,” Alex crossed her arms. “What are you scheming, Lena?”

“What?” She not-so-subtly feigned innocence. “I’m not!”

“Then why did you just ask about my love life?”

“A girl can’t be curious?”

Alex gave her the intimidating look that scared everyone except her and Kara - and apparently Sam if the hospital was anything to go by. “I’ll ask again. _What_ are you scheming?”

“Alex, I was genuinely just curious,” she assured her with a bold-faced lie. “It was just a question. Sorry I brought it up.”

Alex looked her over skeptically, then shook her head with defeat. “I know you’re bullshitting me, but I don’t know what you’re up to.”

Lena just smiled and shrugged, already thinking of how it was all going to go. “Have a little faith, okay? I’m not up to anything.”

* * *

“I want to set your sister up on a blind date,” Lena wasted no time to announce her plan to Kara later that day.

She heard shuffling over the phone for a moment, then her favorite voice came across the line sounding confused. “Alex?”

“Yeah. I know a girl,” she bit her lip, hoping Kara would be okay with the idea.

“Okay…” Kara trailed off. “Who’s the girl?”

And now it was time to drop the bombshell. “Sam.”

“Psych ward Sam?” Kara sounded rather amused. “Alex _hates_ her.”

“No. I think they’d be good together. Alex just has to put her ego aside,” Lena explained. “Trust me on this.”

It was silent for a minute, then Kara’s voice came across timid as if she was afraid to know the answer. “I thought you liked Sam, though.”

“ _Me_?” Lena gaped, then actually laughed at the idea. “No. I love her, and I look up to her a lot, but we’re just friends and that’s all either of us wants to be.”

“Interesting,” Kara dragged out. “But why are you telling me? I don't care that she was in psych ward if you're looking for my approval.”

“Good to know, but I'm actually asking because I need your help,” Lena sighed. “If I tell Alex I want to set her up, she’ll know it’s Sam right away, because I have no other friends. But if _you_ tell her you want to set her up, she’ll have no idea.”

She could hear Kara’s smile through the phone. “You’re dragging me down with you, huh?”

“I am not _dragging you down_!” Lena exclaimed. “I think it could go really well after the initial shock wears off.”

“You’re dragging me down with you,” Kara sang the words. “It’s okay, though. I’ll accept my fate. What day are you thinking?”

“Alex is a busy woman, so can you figure out a day she’s free? And _please_ try to be convincing about how you really want her to go?”

“I am quite persuasive when I want to be. Do you not remember my sad eyed look?” Kara feigned offense.

Lena just smiled, because, oh, she remembered that look all too well. “Fair point. I have faith if you’re willing to pull out the sad eyed look.”

“Anything for you.” Lena decided to ignore how much fondness Kara’s voice held. “I’ll get back to you with a date ASAP.”

“Truly,” she repeated a little too dramatically. “You are my hero, Kara Danvers.”

“All in a day’s work.” She heard Kara fake a yawn over the phone, then return to normal in an instant. “Talk to you later?”

It was as if she still thought Lena would ever say no. “Of course. See you later, Kar.”

* * *

Lena had gotten a text with, ‘ _She’s free Thursday night. I told her I want her to go on a date. She’s highly suspicious, but willing :D_ ’

Lena huffed to herself. Only Kara Danvers still used ‘:D’. However, she wasn’t going to focus on how adorable that was. Instead, she went into phase two.

Professionalism was in every word Lena spoke when Sam answered her office phone.

“Hey. Can you come into my office real quick? I have something to go over with you.”

Two minutes later, Sam had her business face on as she walked in, but it faded away as soon as she saw Lena’s smile. “What did you do?”

“Nothing, yet,” she held her hands up. “ _But_ I do want to talk to you about something.”

Sam automatically sighed when Lena pulled out her pleading tone. She plopped down onto one of the white chairs in front of her desk. “I’m guessing it’s not about last quarter’s earnings report?”

“Not quite,” Lena sat back in her own chair and cut to the chase. “Would you want to go on a date? Not with me! But I know you haven’t since we’ve been friends, so if I knew someone… would you be willing?”

It was one of those rare moments that Sam actually became flustered. “Uh – well – I don’t really date, Lena. It's too hard with everything else that goes on and never ends up working out.”

“I know. But what if I think the other person would stay, even when things get bad for you?” Lena asked what she truly thought would happen. “I know someone, and I think you’d be good for each other.”

Sam took a deep breath, then became apologetic. “I appreciate that, but I’m not really interested. And truth be told, I don’t even like guys.”

“Good,” Lena grinned. “Because it’s a girl.”

Sam was immediately taken aback. “Wait. You’ve known I’m gay?”

“I had suspicions,” she casually shrugged. “So? Would you be willing?”

She watched Sam think it over before giving in the slightest bit. “You really don't think whoever this is would leave? When I'm symptomatic it gets bad, Lena.”

“I know. But she's loyal, Sam. _Insanely_ loyal.”

She thought it over, and eventually her skeptical exterior cracked the slightest bit more. “Who’s the girl?”

“I need a yes or no before you get details,” Lena ordered.

“Okay, well you'll give me details, or it’s a definite no,” Sam offered the same testy tone back. “Who is it?”

Lena pondered her options for a moment, then decided she’d play it Sam’s way. She knew her and Alex would be perfect together, and unlike Alex, _Sam_ might actually agree to this even if she knew who the second party would be.

“Before you say no, give it some thought,” she cautioned beforehand. She gave a pause to let that sink in, then offered up the name. “Alex. Kara’s sister.”

Much to Lena’s shock, a wide smile spread across Sam’s face and absolutely none of the protesting she expected came out. “Oh, _yes_. One-hundred percent yes, sign me up.”

“Really?” Lena asked surprised, waiting for the let-down to come. It was all way too easy. “You like her?”

“Not particularly, but she is incredibly fun to mess with. It’s like poking someone who thinks she’s a grizzly bear, but’s actually a teeny tiny teddy bear,” she laughed at her own description. “Giving me hours of quality time to get under her skin sounds like a gift. Of course. Bring it on.”

“You can’t just annoy her the entire time,” Lena rolled her eyes. “Give it a shot. A _real_ shot. I think she's good for you.”

Sam just rolled her eyes right back. “I don’t know if you missed the memo, but lesbian flirting _is_ annoying them the entire time. It's in the handbook.”

“Oh, is it?”

“Look up the term _Banter_ and you'll find it.”

Lena shook her head, but they both knew she was amused. “Fine. Flirt however you want. You'll go?”

“I'll go,” Sam confirmed. “When are you thinking?”

“Are you free Thursday night?”

Sam just smiled and shook her head scornfully. “She _would_ pick a _Thursday_ to go on a first date.” Lena rose her eyebrows in an attempt to get Sam to be serious, but all it made her do was defend herself. “What? It's a weeknight! No one goes on blind dates on weeknights!”

“Can you go or not?” Lena ignored her antics.

“ _Yes_ , I’m free Thursday night,” she muttered back. “How'd you get Alex to agree to this, though? That woman hates me.”

“Well… she doesn't exactly know it’ll be,” Lena offered a weak smile.

Once again, she was surprised to see Sam’s smile further widen at the news. “ _So_ much fun,” she reiterated. “I'm assuming you're offering to babysit, then?”

“I'd love to babysit,” Lena jumped at the opportunity. She wasn't expecting it, but was beyond excited at the opportunity. She'd been hinting that she wanted to meet Ruby for ages, but Sam either never picked up on it or was extremely good at playing ignorant.

“Okay, but you'll need to come by to meet her sometime before then.”

“I can clear my schedule whenever. Just tell me what works.”

“Sunday?” Sam offered. “We can all go out to brunch?”

“Sounds perfect to me,” Lena smiled.

It was almost like she had a family again.

* * *

Lena debated it for a long while, but eventually she decided a random visit to Kara couldn't hurt. They seemed to be on good terms and just three days ago Kara had mentioned she could stop by _whenever_ , so Lena had _whenever_ mean now. She was fairly confident Kara wouldn’t mind her dropping in.

Lena tried to tell herself she was only going because she wanted to share the news of Sam agreeing in person, then when that didn’t work, she tried to convince herself she was going because it would be easier to plan their date together rather than virtually. And that one was true - she kind of convinced herself with that one. But it didn’t hide the nagging feeling in the back of her mind that she was going because she missed her. She missed Kara, and she wanted to see her again, and she wanted to cherish their renewed time together.

However, when she actually got to Kara’s, standing in front of her door, Lena her confidence was gone and she suddenly didn’t know how to knock. Or, she did, but she couldn’t bring herself to do it. The door seemed so big, like it was this protective force between them. Maybe Kara wouldn’t want to see her. Maybe she was busy. Hell, maybe she was out on a date - although Lena pretended that thought never crossed her mind.

After a few minutes of sitting and many minutes of pacing, the door opened to reveal Kara Danvers with a soft smile. “You can come in, Lena.”

“Oh. I - uh - I was just-“

“Nervous. Yeah. It’s okay,” Kara helped her out. “I’m glad you came. But c’mon. I want you to come in.”

And just like that, a flood of relief hit her. Kara _wanted_ her to come in. It was no longer an offer, but Kara wanted it, and for some reason that small difference was so comforting.

“Did you know I was out there the entire time?” Lena fumbled awkwardly as she followed Kara into the apartment.

She was mildly embarrassed to be caught loitering outside the door, but at the same time no one knew how much she overthought things as much as Kara did. Kara had sat with her in the midst of what Lena now knew were panic attacks, and she had seen Lena revise the same sentence in a business proposition for an hour, purely because she didn’t know what word-choice sounded better. Kara had listened to Lena ramble on about all the possible devastating outcomes of a meeting, watching her get more worked up until she finally stepped in and somehow brought Lena back to Earth, a place where she could realize that a meeting between colleagues wouldn’t be the death of her. Kara had seen her sit in the kitchen before, as she tried to decide what she should have for breakfast for an hour straight - and unfortunately, that wasn’t an isolated incident. Kara had experienced her nervousness more than anyone, and somehow Lena knew that Kara was still the only one who fully understood it.

One day, about a year before they broke up, Lena was under the covers of their bed, sobbing uncontrollably about something so minuscule - she forgot what it was now, it was so tiny. But Kara was there. She held her and assured her she was okay, then ran her fingers through Lena’s hair as she talked so softly it could have been a melody.

_“I’m sorry,” Lena had laughed when the hysterics died down. “I don’t know why I’m crying. This is dumb.”_

_“It’s not dumb. We both know it’s just because your mom engrained in you that you’re incapable of handling crisis on your own. Because of that, whenever any little situation that you don’t immediately have a solution for comes, you panic and think you can’t do it,” Kara casually stated what Lena herself didn’t even realize. “You can do it, though. You’re more capable than you were taught. I have complete faith in you, baby.”_

And Lena remembered vividly what an offhand comment it was, but it was also just another moment that Lena realized Kara understood some parts of her that even she herself didn’t quite yet understand.

Kara shrugged and brought Lena back to her current reality. “I realized you were here a couple minutes ago. I was trying to give you time to knock, but then you looked like you were talking yourself out of it.”

That much was true. She was definitely, without a doubt, talking herself out of it. And the way Kara turned around as she answered gave Lena a pretty good idea Kara knew damn well she was out there for more than just a couple minutes. She had a good hunch Kara only turned around to hide the crinkle that was always in her nose when she lied.

“I was. I got nervous you wouldn’t want me here,” Lena admitted, awkwardly standing in the doorway. Things looked exactly the same, yet it was weird, because this was no longer her home. “I probably would’ve chickened out, you’re right.”

“I know I am,” Kara grinned, bringing them both a bottle of pre-packaged iced tea. “I always want you here, though.”

Lena took the tea and immediately mocked offense. She was over talking about this, and it was about to get a little too emotional for her liking. “Wow. You can’t even make me real tea? I need to settle for this?”

“You know that I don’t drink real tea. If you wanted your variety of food here, give me a heads up next time,” Kara mimicked her teasing and Lena instantly felt at ease. Kara was quiet for a moment, then gave a shy smile. “I’m really glad you came.”

“Me too,” Lena smiled, following Kara’s lead to the couch. “I was worried I’d be interrupting something.”

“Nope! It’s a low crime night, and Alex is going through one of those phases where she buries herself in work again, so it’s just me tonight. I was just relaxing and watching… you know what, never mind,” Kara quickly flicked off the TV, but not quick enough for Lena to miss what she was watching.

“You _still_ like _Real Housewives_?” She asked incredulously, her voice unintentionally raising with disbelief. “Kara, that show is literal trash. All it is is a bunch of grown women being catty.”

“You call it trash, I call it quality TV,” Kara was suddenly unashamed. “It’s a good wind-me-down show. It’s mind-numbing, and petty, and insanely unrealistic for those of us living in the real world, which, yes, _does_ make it sound like a horrible show, but when you put those three things together? Grade A entertainment. What more could you ask for?”

“Honestly? Anything,” Lena mocked her. “It’s horrible.”

“If you keep dissing it like that, I’ll make you watch it with me,” Kara warned. Lena missed the playfulness that was resting in those blue eyes.

She squinted back with challenge. “You wouldn’t dare.”

Kara picked up the remote, raising her eyebrows. “Oh, no?”

Lena reached over, pulling it out of Kara’s hand without a fight to set it down on the table behind her. “Don’t do it. Torturing people is beneath you.”

“ _Torturing_?” Kara scoffed. “Please. You’ve survived plenty worse than that.”

Lena furrowed her eyebrows, pretending to think it over, then shook her head with a wrinkle of her nose. “No, I don’t think I have.”

“All the times you were kidnapped and held hostage?”

“Still better than rotting my brain away with that show,” Lena tossed back, but she wore a wide smile.

Kara stared at her for longer than a quick moment, but Lena looked away, pretending not to notice her lingering gaze. She looked around the room, taking in the familiar surroundings for the first time in what would soon be two years. Her eyes stopped as she looked to a far away shelf. There was a picture of her. Her and Kara. When things were simpler, when they were still happy.

“What are you staring at?” Kara brought her out of her reverie.

Lena glanced to her, then back at the picture. “You kept a picture of me up?”

“There’s many,” Kara shrugged. “There’s that one, there’s one over there, one right there… There’s probably a few more. And plenty are stashed away for only my eyes when I’m in the mood to make myself sad.” Kara wore a smile that held both pain and graciousness, and Lena was too astonished to reply. When there was silence, she offered an explanation. “I didn’t want to lose my memories of you. I wanted to keep reminding myself of the best thing I’ve had in life. Forgetting our times together would’ve probably broke my heart even more. I couldn’t just pretend you never happened.”

“My pictures of us are _deeply_ buried,” Lena gave a low laugh. “It hurt too much to look at.”

Kara looked down and pursed her lips, fiddling with her fingers. “Yeah. It did hurt.”

“For a while I wouldn’t even watch the news,” Lena confessed aloud for the first time. “I subscribed to the New York Times, because National City was too much to handle.”

“That’s-“

“Pathetic?”

“I was going to say understandable,” Kara laughed. “I cried to Alex for months. I still do at times, if we’re being honest… I don’t know… I don’t think what we had is something you just get over. It was special to me.”

_Just not special enough to stay_ , Lena wanted to proclaim. But that seemed a little too heartless when she saw how much Kara was still hurting.

“It was,” she settled for. “It was big.”

Kara glanced up with a guilty grin. “Am I allowed to apologize again?”

Lena laughed, then shook her head, finally meeting Kara’s gaze. “Absolutely not.”

Kara stared at the ground, her mind clearly in a far-away place, and Lena wanted to ask what she was thinking about, but realized it was probably best she didn’t know. She wanted to ask Kara so many things, but she also wasn’t ready for so many answers. Like, did she really still view Lena as her mate? Did she really still think they could ever be revived?

And lastly, the answer she really didn’t want to know: was it as easy for her to walk away as it seemed? Because more than ever, she wanted to hear from Kara how it broke her and how she thought about Lena every day since, but she was also terrified Kara would say those things and Lena would see the telltale signs she was lying. She knew Kara would immediately proclaim how hard it was for her if Lena asked, because that’s who Kara was - she always wanted to make things better. But Lena was so fearful that she’d look into Kara’s eyes as she spoke of how much she missed her, sand she’d see it wasn’t the truth. She couldn’t handle that situation.

“Well, you know what I want to say, then,” Kara grinned.

And this was getting much too serious, so Lena decided it was time to change the subject. “So, what I came for was to tell you Sam said she could do Thursday!”

“She can?” Kara stumbled at the change of topic. Then, she just laughed. “Alex will be so disappointed. She really thought whoever it is would be busy.”

“Nope. She said she would. So, don’t tell Alex who it is, because I know she’ll bail if you do!”

“Oh, she’d definitely bail,” Kara immediately agreed. “Don’t worry, though. She won’t be finding out from me.”

* * *

The night of the date Lena watched Ruby who was actually the most enjoyable kid she’d ever met. All she could think about was how much Alex would love her - which was admittedly probably an early thought process for a first date that could be going horribly wrong, for all she knew, but she would. Alex would love this child and all the sass and wit she contained.

“Tell me,” the middle-schooler asked halfway through their night. “Where exactly is my mom?”

Lena paused. She was suddenly realizing she had forgotten to ask Sam that question. “Where did she tell you she is?”

“Where did she tell _you_ she is?”

She smiled down, because, _yes_. This was definitely Sam’s daughter. “She’s out with a friend.”

“She told me it was a therapy appointment,” Ruby crossed her arms. “She said it was out of town today, that’s why she’d be back late.”

“Hm,” Lena furrowed her eyebrows, deciding the best route would be to feign ignorance at this point. “That’s weird. I’ll have to question her when she gets back.”

Ruby looked Lena over a little too skeptically, then squinted her eyes. “My mom always tells me when she’s going out with friends. And the only friend she has right now is you.”

“It’s someone she met from work,” Lena snowballed the lie. “My assistant, actually! Her name’s Jess.”

“Okay,” Ruby dragged out with skepticism. “Then why aren’t _you_ with them?”

“Because,” Lena tried to sift through her mind for a reasonable explanation. “They’re trying to set me up on a date.”

“I thought you were caught up on Kiera.”

Lena was actually taken aback by that. She usually did good at hiding when she was surprised, but the comment came out of no where. It took a second to regain enough composure to correct her. “Her name is Kara. And, wow, your mom tells you everything, huh?”

“She says I have big ears,” Ruby shrugged. “She didn’t tell me where she is, though. Where would that be?”

Lena stayed quiet, trying to think of a way to get herself out of this predicament.

“Is _she_ on a date?” Ruby asked point-blank. “I hope she’s on a date. That woman is lonely.”

“That woman?” Lena laughed. “You mean your mother?”

Ruby just shrugged, a small smile on her face. “Call her what you want. She’s lonely.”

Lena thought through her options, debating on whether or not to give in, but then she decided she would. She’d handle Sam’s rage later. “Well, I’m trying to work on that.”

Ruby lit up at the news, excitement written across her face. “So, it is a date? With a guy or a girl? What’s their name? Do you know who it is?”

“I do know who it is, but you’ll have to ask your mom the rest,” Lena ended the conversation before she said too too much. She knew she had already over-indulged. “The person is really great, though. I think they’ll be good for her.”

“Really?” Ruby got even more excited. Her face was bright and held the genuineness only kids could possess. “Good. I just want her to be happy so bad. She deserves it more than anyone.”

“She does,” Lena agreed. “So, just know that I’m doing my best.”

* * *

When Sam came back she wore a huge smile. Ruby had gone to bed hours ago leaving Lena alone to watch late night talk shows. She stood up from the couch when she heard the door open and immediately reciprocated Sam’s smile. 

“Does that face mean it was good?”

Sam hesitated, then giddily nodded. “It was, Lena. It was so good.”

“Was she mad to see you?”

“She was… a little hostile at first,” Sam treaded her words carefully. “But it only took a few minutes, then we were in a routine of bantering and telling life stories. She’s actually like… wow. She’s wow.”

Lena beamed. She was both proud of herself and proud of them for overcoming their preconceptions about the other.

“She’s still all bark, no bite, though,” Sam rushed to add. “But it was like… she seemed so interested in me, you know? And at one point I told her a little about my mental health - not a lot, but I hinted at what I’ve been through - and she acted like it was totally normal to be hospitalized and go through something so dark. She didn’t give me the pity look, she just gave me this look of… curiosity, I guess? She looked like she wanted to hear all of my past and would’ve listened to me tell stories about my past for days. And she looked so in awe of me whenever I opened up about anything serious or disclosed things I overcame - like Ruby, my relationship with my mom, my mental health… Nothing about it felt forced, nor did she look scared or intimidated by it. That’s never happened to me before.”

“Alex is tough, but she also cares about people so much. And I know her. She doesn’t act interested unless she is,” Lena promised. “Honestly, I was wondering if she’d even stay for the whole date when she saw it was you, because she can be close-minded about opening up to anyone, never mind people who’ve challenged her. You’re home so much later than I expected.”

“She’s great,” Sam spoke as if she was still amazed.

And with Sam’s history, Lena knew she might be. It was sad, but people’s misconceptions of what her diagnosis meant scared them away. Lena knew that when Sam disclosed anything about her mental health to people before, they ran without hesitation. And while Sam said it was fine, that it didn’t bother her at all, Lena also knew it did. How could it not?

“And the way she cares about Kara,” she continued gushing over her. “You said they were close, but she’d do _anything_ to protect her.”

“Kara is the same way,” Lena agreed. “There’s no interfering with that. They’re a package deal. You can’t like one but not the other.”

Sam bit her lip, a small smile on her face. “I guess I’m gonna have to start loving Kara then, huh? No more hating her for what she did to you?”

Lena laughed. She loved Sam’s protectiveness, but there was no need to focus on what had happened in the past - at least, not anymore. Her and Kara were both trying to move past it, so she’d need everyone else to too. “I guess you will.”

Sam took a deep breath, the smile never leaving her face. “Thank you, Lena. I never thought I’d enjoy myself, but… thank you. Seriously.”

“Any time,” she grinned. “Give her a shot. You deserve someone like her.”

“Yeah,” Sam tried to agree. “I’ll have to work on believing that. I mean, I love who I am, but I always thought that appreciation for myself would have to be exclusive. Like, I was the _only_ one who’d ever love me for me - mental illness and all. But something about her - and I don’t want to get my hopes up here - but something about her makes it seem like she might be able to too one day.”

The words were music to Lena’s ears. Everyone deserved to feel loved by someone, but Sam? Oh, Sam deserved it more than anyone after what she’d been through. Lena really hoped this was her finding it.

* * *

As promised from the night before, Lena went over to Kara’s for breakfast the next morning to discuss how their plan worked. Kara still proclaimed that this wasn’t her plan, nor did she have anything to do with it, but Lena refused to let her off the hook with the cop out. She got her sister to agree, and therefore, it was her plan too. 

“Have you heard from Alex?” Lena asked as she stepped in.

Kara moved to the island in the kitchen, then handed her a cup of coffee. “Not yet. She hasn’t called and I’m avoiding her wrath, so I haven't called either.”

“Very mature,” Lena teased. She took a sip of her coffee, then smiled. “According to Sam it was _great_. Better than even I hoped.”

Kara’s eyebrows shot up, and Lena was smug as ever. She had _told_ Kara this plan would go well. Kara fought and fought that they weren’t a good match, but Lena told her every time that she knew what she was doing. Yet every time, Kara declared how wrong she was.

“Are you just saying that to mislead me and prove your point?” Kara asked.

“No, I guess they hit it off! Sam is crazy about her,” Lena relayed their conversation from the night before. “I don’t know how Alex felt, but Sam didn’t get home until almost midnight.”

“Alex stayed out until midnight?” Kara double-checked she heard right. “My sister, who said she’d stay for an hour then bail - who _never_ stays out past eight-thirty on weeknights, stayed out until midnight on a Thursday?”

“I guess so,” Lena shrugged. “I was shocked too.”

Kara grasped her mug in both hands and still quirked an eyebrow. “Are you messing with me right now?”

“Kara, I _swear_ ,” she proclaimed. “I think it went well. I know it went well from Sam’s side at least.”

Kara opened her mouth to reply, but there was a knock on the door to interrupt her, then Alex walked in. She took in the room, then let out a wry smile when she saw Lena. “Oh, good! You’re both here. So I can yell at you together.”

“It was her idea!” Kara shot out. “This was all her plan!”

Lena shook her head, negating that immediately. “She’s guilty by association. She’s the one who misled you.”

“You could’ve told me it was going to be her,” Alex crossed her arms. “I was shocked. I was _pissed_.”

“Blame Lena,” Kara held her hands up. “Once again, this was all her idea. I told her you guys were a bad match.”

“Oh, I didn’t say that. Sam’s perfect,” Alex took a moment to smile, then wiped it off her face. “I wasn’t happy I was _blindsided_ , though!”

“You wouldn’t have gone if you’d known,” Lena proclaimed. “What had to be done had to be done. Let’s look at the positive! She’s perfect.”

Alex pursed her lips, then shook her head, tossing Lena a scowl. “You’re so lucky we hit it off like we did or I’d be livid with you right now.”

“But she’s perfect!” Lena reminded her again. “So, no harm, no foul.”

“She’s really perfect?” Kara asked, still in disbelief. “You really liked her?”

“It was awkward at first, but then… I don’t know. She just surprised me,” Alex shrugged. “She’s so insightful and sees the world in such a unique way, that’s optimistic yet dark, all at once. I was sitting there shocked, because everything she said was captivating. Every story, every opinion, every outlook on the world around her. It was all so captivating.”

“So, you were actually right?” Kara couldn’t hide her shock as she turned to Lena. She took a moment to process it, then shook her head. “I’m impressed with you, I’ll give you that.”

“I’ve never been hooked on anyone this quickly,” Alex confided. “Like, I want a second date immediately, but also want to play it cool.”

“Don’t play it cool,” Lena wrinkled her nose. “She was just as crazy about you. She had such a good time.”

“Really?” Alex’s smile widened. “She did?”

“Yes,” she promised. “Text her. She wants to see you again soon too.”

Alex almost looked shy as she nodded and proclaimed, “Okay, then. I will.”

* * *

“Who knew you were such a matchmaker?” Kara asked later that day as they lounged in her living room. They were on opposite sides of the couch, but Lena was stretched out with her calves splayed over Kara’s thighs as she tried to ignore the way her skin heated under the palm that Kara was resting on her leg.

It was nearing eight o’ clock and they had split ways most of the day. Kara had gone out and done her Supergirl thing all day while Lena went to get work done in the office, but just like old times, at the end of a busy day, there they were, sharing a couch and munching on food that was undeniably horrible for them. And even though they weren’t snuggled up close the way they used to, at least they were on the terms of even sharing a couch again. Lena wouldn’t complain.

“I’ve known I’m a matchmaker,” Lena smirked. “You should have more faith in me.”

“I have faith in _you_ , I just didn’t have faith in your abilities,” Kara corrected. “I suppose I should’ve known, though. You excel at everything else you touch, so of course you’d excel at this.”

“Exactly. You shouldn’t have doubted me,” Lena decided to ignore the compliment.

That’s something she’d been doing a lot of lately - ignoring Kara’s compliments. She felt mean at times, because she knew Kara was trying to show her interest, but right now that wasn’t reciprocated. Or, it shouldn’t be. Besides, they’d been doing so good at keeping things from being too serious and Lena wanted that to continue. She didn’t want to ruin what they had just started to rebuild by delving into flirtations or issues of the past. They weren’t in the place they used to be, but they were in a good place for the moment, and she didn’t want to jeopardize that.

Plus, unlike Kara, Lena had grown confident that friends was a good place for them right now. Anything more would be jumping into the deep end, and it wasn’t time for that yet. Lena still wasn’t prepared to swim.

“I should've figured you'd be good at it. I know now,” Kara gave her a warm look. “I’ve never seen Alex get that giddy over someone so quick.”

“I know. Even I’m surprised at how well it went,” Lena laughed. It quieted down soon after and she glanced at Kara with a sadness in her chest that she couldn’t explain. “I’m happy for them, though. That giddiness is one of the best feelings in the world - especially when it’s mutual. Both her and Sam deserve that.”

“Yeah,” Kara turned away with a falter in her own smile. “They both do, for sure.”

There was suddenly a lingering sadness in Kara’s voice, but Lena pretended there wasn’t, because she didn’t want to think about how much Kara missed that feeling, and she didn’t want to think about how much Kara undoubtedly still missed her. She didn’t want to think about how they once experienced that feeling together, and she certainly didn’t want to think about how she was missing it right about then too.

Once again, they were in a good place, Lena reminded herself. _And_ it’d taken a long time to get to their good place. So, while she might sometimes miss where they used to be too, she also knew that things were different now. A lot had changed, and just because they both missed the feelings they shared didn’t mean they should revisit them. Or, not quite yet. For now, this was where they belonged.

And of course that realization undeniably stung sometimes, but Lena knew that was how it was for the time being. It was how it had to be, because at the end of the day, she wasn’t anywhere near ready to give Kara the power to break her heart again. Hell, maybe she never would be. Every now and then, she thought maybe they could get to where they once were, but then, she also had moments where she thought might not ever be willing to open herself up enough to allow someone to cause that kind of pain again - and unfortunately, _anyone_ included Kara. Lena frequently wondered if she even had it in her to eventually go back to trusting Kara so blindly again.

But she wouldn’t think about that tonight. She wasn’t going to address Kara’s sadness and she _definitely_ wasn’t going to address that she might share it.

So, instead of talking about Kara’s sudden lack of a smile, Lena decided to change the subject altogether. “Anyway. What movie are you thinking of tonight?”

Maybe they’d have the conversation Kara really wanted to have another day. But not yet. For tonight, Lena planned to stay in safe waters.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for reading!!!
> 
> hmu on tumblr // shes-cured.tumblr.com


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've been very oddly inspired lately, so I've been writing a lot. I don't think I've ever updated this twice within a 2 week period, so I hope you enjoy it while it lasts :)

“Hey, Boss,” Sam walked into Lena’s office a couple days later, her voice nonchalant, but her face quite perplexed. “Crazy question here, but did you mention to my _daughter_ that I was out on a date the other night?”

Lena almost couldn’t hide her surprise, but she regained composure before her deer-caught-in-headlights expression could leak out. “Why would I tell your daughter that?”

“I don’t know, that’s why it’s a crazy question,” Sam stepped further in from the doorway, sternly crossing her arms. “I’ll take your answer in the form of a ‘yes’ or ‘no’.”

“Well, you see-“

“Lena,” Sam interrupted with raised eyebrows. “Yes… or no?”

“Not explicitly,” she settled. It still sounded bad, but that was better than a ‘yes’.

Sam smiled with amusement, while annoyance simultaneously crossed her face. “Okay… Then what did you _explicitly_ say?”

“Oh, well,” Lena furrowed her eyebrows, taking time to think it over. “I said a lot of things.”

“Lena,” Sam chided again. “What did you tell my daughter?”

“What did your daughter tell you?” She pulled a card from Ruby's book and flipped the tables. When Sam gave her a look of warning, she gave in with a sigh. “I implied you were out on a date, yes. But! I didn’t say who.”

Sam drew in a deep breath, then let out a wry laugh and wagged her pointer finger through the air. “You better know how lucky you are that it went well, because had it not I’d be livid at you for getting her hopes up. And I do mean livid.”

Lena gulped. She’d never seen Sam in Mama Bear mode. Honestly, she didn’t know Sam had this intimidating side to her at all. “Understood.”

“When I leave you with my daughter, you do not discuss my personal life. She gets excited, and I don’t want to let her down if things don’t work out,” Sam was stern. “So, next time you watch her, you'll also watch your mouth. Yes?”

“Yes,” she immediately agreed. “I promise I won’t say anything else.” Sam nodded with satisfaction, so Lena moved on to the next topic. “Have you decided to have a date two?”

“We have,” Sam’s smile shone through. “I don’t know where, though. I want it to be somewhere she’d like. Any ideas?”

Lena thought it over and only then realized she had no idea what Alex did for fun. She went to bars with her gang, overworked herself at the DEO and… that was all that came to mind. She couldn’t even remember where Maggie used to take her.

“I’m not really sure either,” she admitted.

Sam sighed, sitting down in one of the chairs across from Lena’s desk and slouching forward. “I want to take her somewhere she can let loose and have fun, but I don’t want her to think it’s stupid.”

“Well, right now she thinks the sun shines out of your ass, so I’m pretty sure she’d say yes to going anywhere,” Lena smirked, then became soft. “She’s crazy about you, so don’t overthink it. Okay? I think taking her somewhere fun is a great idea.”

She watched Sam bite her lip and look unsure. “You’re positive? I don’t want her to think I’m dumb.”

“What happened to you loving to get under her skin?” Lena challenged. “Even if she thinks you’re dumb, you can tease her all the while.”

That made a grin spread across Sam’s face as she eagerly nodded in agreement. “You’re right. It’s a win either way.”

“Exactly,” Lena curtly nodded as if it were a serious matter. “And don’t forget – it's still your job duty to keep her flustered.”

“Oh, yeah!” Sam seemed much more confident upon hearing the reminder. “I’ve been slacking, haven’t I?”

“You definitely have,” Lena feigned disappointment. “It's a shame, too. You'd be the perfect employee otherwise.”

“I should just be myself and keep annoying her, huh? I mean, just because I like her doesn’t mean I should stop giving her a hard time. That was such a good time.”

“She won’t admit it, but I think she likes when you do,” Lena told her truthfully. “I’m pretty sure she finds it amusing now that she doesn’t hate you anymore.”

Sam just laughed, her expression becoming light-hearted as the concern over Alex’s opinion of their future date visibly faded away. “I amuse myself too, so that works out perfectly.”

Lena looked at Sam’s infatuation as she spoke and quickly glanced at her paperwork to hide a sad smile. She was so happy for her, but there was still that tingling part inside that wished she could feel that way again too, and she was so scared she never would. But, like every time before, she decided to pretend the sadness wasn’t there as she looked up with nothing but happiness.

“I’m excited for you,” she proclaimed.

Sam didn’t seem to notice the internal struggle going on as she gushed, “Me too. I like her so much, “ which only made Lena feel more alone.

“Good,” she forced laughed despite it, waving her off. “Now, go! Get to work. Enough dopey lovesick talk.”

Sam was still beaming as she left the office, and when the door closed Lena released a breath she hadn't realized she was holding in. She held her head with two fingers on each temple. She wanted to experience that again – that hopefulness that she might fall in love again. More than that, she wanted to feel how it felt when someone loved her again. But, the only person she wanted to love her was Kara.

And considering she didn’t even know if she wanted Kara back yet, she _knew_ that was selfish. It was beyond selfish to wish Kara would love her while being simultaneously unsure if she could return it. It wasn’t fair for her to want Kara to pine over her when Lena refused to even consider the idea of them dating again. Yet, that selfish, selfish, _selfish_ part of her wanted it more than ever.

Did that make her a horrible person?

She was trying to convince herself it didn’t.

* * *

One thing Lena never in her life expected was a panicked call from Alex Danvers over what to wear. It was so atypical that she momentarily wondered if she’d somehow gone to one of the alternate universes Kara used to take her to, because since when did Alex even care?

“I _don’t_ care,” Alex scoffed when she asked. “I just want to look nice for her.”

“Don’t you only wear jeans, t-shirts and leather jackets?” she teased with a feint smile. The indecisiveness was pathetic, but she'd also admit it was cute. “How hard could that be to choose from?”

“Lena,” Alex let out a heavy sigh, clearly in distress over the situation. “Are you really going to make me beg?”

“I didn’t know you even knew how to beg,” she rebuked. “Since when does the invincible Alex Danvers beg?”

“She’s about to if you don’t come help her,” Alex huffed. “And wouldn't me begging be a sad sight? Do you really want to be the cause of that?” When Lena was quiet, Alex urged her to agree again. “C’mon. A half hour tops. That's all I'm asking.”

And Lena wanted to fight about how she had to prepare for an important meeting on Monday, but it was a Friday night, so the argument would inevitably fall through. It wasn't that she didn't want to help Alex, because she did, but she was still coming to terms with the fact that being around two people who were so into each other could hurt her more than she’d like to admit. It brought up her own anxieties and fears of not never being good enough to be loved – which was something Lena thought was far behind her.

So, there she was, sifting through Alex’s closet of identical black t-shirts and trying to understand her insistence that they didn’t all look the same with a forced happy demeanor and over-exaggerated playfulness.

“I really think you’re getting yourself nervous over nothing. She’s not going to care about your attire.”

“She might, though!” Alex argued. “You’ve never dated her, so you wouldn’t know. She might have high expectations.”

Lena didn't even consider the possibility, instead just groaning at how overboard this had all gone. She _knew_ Sam couldn't care less. “Just be yourself. She doesn’t care about what you wear, trust me. You’re stressing yourself out.”

Alex thought it over, then threw her hands up with a defeated, “You’re right.” She nodded to herself in reassurance, then repeated it more firmly. “You’re right. And it’s just a girl. I should just be myself.”

“You should,” Lena gently agreed. “I know you like her, but she doesn’t want you to change for her. I promise. Wear what you’re comfortable with. It’s just a date.”

The word made a goofy grin spread across Alex's face. “I love dates.”

“You hate dates,” Lena deadpanned. “Through all the years I’ve known you you’ve made it clear how much you _hate_ dates.”

“Well, I’ve never dated Sam, I guess.”

Lena dramatically gagged, choking on air at the comment. “That’s disgustingly cheesy.”

“Oh? And since when are you against cheesy?” Alex testily raised her eyebrows. “You dated _Kara,_ and _she_ is as cheesy as they come. I don’t want to hear a word from you about it.”

Lena tried to laugh at the teasing, but knew it fell short as she looked down at the reminder of the memories she was trying to forget. So many of them had been threatening to float to the surface lately, and she didn’t want to think about them. It’d only make the nostalgia worse.

“You okay?” Alex frowned at Lena’s spacing out.

That made her snap out of her trance, a wide smile playing on her face, because what she wasn't gonna do was talk about all of this with Alex. “I’m fine. Let’s just get you ready.”

“No, really,” Alex stopped her from getting away with the lie. “What’s going on? I didn’t think that was a sore spot any more.”

“It’s not!” she protested. And she tried to figure out how to explain it, but it was too confusing for _her_ to process, never mind explain to Alex. “It’s not. Kara and I are good now.”

“Yeah, that’s what I thought,” Alex got out slowly. “So, why are you upset right now?”

Lena held her gaze, then tore her eyes away, moving to sit cross legged on the bed as her hands nervously played with one of the shirts that had been thrown on top of it. She had a feeling she'd be talking about all of this with Alex after all, but it was worth one last effort to try not to. “I’m not upset.”

“Lena,” Alex admonished. “Just talk to me.”

She thought it over. Her mind was one, ginormous, jumbled up mess. On one hand, she wanted to splurge to Alex. She wanted to tell her every little thought that had been circling through her mind the past week and portray all the mixed feelings she’d experienced. Then, on the other, saying how she felt made it real. Right now, Lena was doing a great job at pretending she was totally unbothered by her past with Kara. Talking about it would mean facing that maybe she wasn't as over it as she thought. Maybe she'd always feel strongly for Kara. And maybe that _did_ bother her.

Plus, it was Alex – Kara's sister. Did she really want to get into all of that with Kara's sister?

But three words had been dying to pour out of her for days, and now they finally had the chance.

“I miss her,” she confessed. Alex suddenly looked crestfallen, so Lena turned away again, murmuring the sad truth a second time. “I just really miss her.”

“But… you’re friends.” Alex's tone was cautious. “So, you have her, right? You don’t have to miss her any more. She’s in your life again.”

“Yeah,” Lena chimed. “Yeah, I know. You’re right.”

Alex waited her out, but when Lena made no move to continue she prompted her to finish. “But?”

She just shrugged, feeling tears in her eyes that she willed with all her might not to fall. She wouldn’t cry over Kara again. She wouldn’t. Especially not in front of Alex. She was silent until she became confident her voice wouldn’t quiver, then explained. “I have her. Right… But I miss how I _used_ to have her.” She took a deep breath, then defeatedly shook her head, her words coming out in distress. “I don’t want her back, because I know I’m not ready, but I miss how we used to be. Even when I tell myself I don’t…” She pursed her lips. She felt so exposed, so weak, so shy as she faced reality. “I do. I miss what we had. And I’m scared I’ll never get it back. Not with her, not with anyone. That’s all really, really scary to me.”

Alex sighed, going over and sitting beside her on the bed with a comforting, “You _will_ fall in love again, Lena.”

And she took a moment to process the words, then looked back at the girl in front of her with a torn expression. If she was in her right mind, she’d be embarrassed for being so emotional over a situation that happened nearly two years ago – she'd had roughly seven-hundred and thirty days to get over it. Yet there she was. Still as emotional as ever.

“I’m not sure I ever want to fall in love again, though,” she finally professed. “I mean, being in love… it _hurts_. It really fucking hurts. I don’t know if I can handle feeling that way again.”

“I-“

“And it’s not like I’m still heartbroken over her,” Lena clarified before Alex could give her feedback. “I’m over the heartbroken part. I’m over the misery that being left and rejected brought. I’m just…” She carefully thought over what she was trying to say. “I’m not willing to feel that misery a second time. That pain was so horrible, and I never want to experience that again. And if avoiding that means never falling in love again, well… I’m willing not to.”

Alex put a hand on Lena’s knee, bending down until their eyes could meet. “You need to open yourself up to that eventually.”

“You don’t understand,” Lena rolled her eyes with a hint of frustration. “You couldn't, even if I tried to explain.”

Alex rose an eyebrow, her eyes becoming soft and pleading. “At least give me the opportunity to understand. Can you try explaining?” When there was no answer, Alex tried again. “Please?”

Lena didn’t want to get into it all, because she was embarrassed she had ever hit such a low point to begin with, but that low point is what it all came down to. That's why she had the mindset she had.

“I just came out of the darkest place I’ve ever been in my whole life,” she began. “I was ready to die. I had every intent on dying, because life was just… it was all too much. It was so overwhelming that I wanted to actually _die_ to escape it. And now I’m here! You know? I'm here, and I’m stable, and I usually don’t even _think_ about ending my life – and I never plan to follow through with it when I do. But I got to this stable place on my own, when I was single, and when no one could hurt me. And… Well, letting someone in means risking that. It means risking getting hurt, which means risking this newfound stability, which means risking hitting rock bottom again. Because I don’t do well with feeling things, Alex. When I get really sad, when I’m _really_ hurting, it’s all-consuming for me. There is no light or thinking about how I’ll eventually come out on the other side. There’s just pain, and there’s pain, and then there’s a little more pain. It’s all I experience in those moments. And - and I don’t cope well with pain. I just don’t! I know I don’t. I’ve accepted that.” She paused to sigh, then trudged on. “I don't know… I don't know. I don't know. All I really do know is that I can’t let someone ruin everything I’ve rebuilt. I don't like admitting it, but I'm fragile. And I don't want to risk anyone breaking me again. And if avoiding that pain and avoiding being broken means closing myself off to love…” Lena gave a small shrug. “Well, then, that’s what it takes, I guess. That’ll just be what it takes.”

Alex stared at her for a few seconds, and while Lena didn't have the courage to meet her eye, she could feel her gaze like a fire burning through her skin. She tried not to squirm under it, because all it brought to her was discomfort.

“You can't believe that,” Alex finally murmured.

Lena wanted to falter in composure again, but she refused to continue being so vulnerable. Saying all of that was almost painful to admit, and now, Alex was looking at her as if she'd said something pitiful, which only made her feel worse. So, she toughened up her voice and straightened her posture. “See? I told you you wouldn't understand.”

“I can't totally, because I can't even pretend to understand what you've been through, but I understand that you're avoiding a really magical thing purely because you're afraid of being hurt again,” Alex boldly called her out. “Even if it's not my sister, you need to open yourself up to that again one day. Because you want to know what else your relationship with her brought? Happiness. Safety. Trust. Security. It gave you a place to be carefree, and impulsive, and reckless – three things I've only seen come out of you while you’re madly in love with someone. I know putting yourself out there can hurt, but it can also make you feel _so_ good. Don't you want that part again?”

What Lena wanted more than anything was to break their unbearable eye contact, but she still refused to squirm. “You want to know my honest answer?”

“I want to argue with it,” Alex rebuked.

Lena forced a smile, tilting her head to the side in what she hoped looked like grace and not embarrassment. “I can live without ever being that happy again. But I can't _ever_ go through being that miserable again. I couldn't handle going through it a second time. It literally - _literally_ \- almost killed me the first.”

“Lena–“

“Alex,” Lena cut her off before she could begin with a small, woeful smile. “I know you want to say the magic words and make me see your side, but you don’t know what it’s like to lose someone like Kara.”

“I’ve been in love before, you know?” Alex grinned with her reminder. “I know it was a long time ago, but I remember being in love.”

“Not like me and Kara,” Lena softly defied her, finally admitting to herself just how big they truly were. They were so in sync that Lena wouldn’t be surprised if they shared the same heartbeat. “That mating for life thing…” She finally looked away. “That’s not one sided. I might not be Kryptonian, but… It’s not one sided at all. I’m long over what happened between us, but I _know_ with my entire being that Kara was it for me. She was my one great love. There is no loving anyone as much as I loved Kara in my future - it’s not possible! I already know it’s not.” Lena timidly glanced up to the girl in front of her, the girl who was looking at her more perplexed than ever. Still, she forged onwards. “You haven’t had your one great love yet, Alex. So, yeah. Dating is still exciting for you, because that next person may be it. But for me?” Lena just shrugged, sadly shaking her head. “Kara was it. There’s no question in my mind that, for me, Kara was it. No one comes after her. No one was ever supposed to. No one can. They just wouldn't measure up.”

Alex just kept staring, her eyebrows furrowed and expression absolutely perplexed. “If you feel that way about Kara, she’s right there – and I know with everything in me that she's not gonna leave again. Go get her.”

“I’m glad you know that,” Lena acknowledged. “But even for her, I can’t take the risk of becoming that depressed again if things go wrong.”

“But you want to be with her,” Alex proclaimed. “You wouldn’t be this sad if you didn’t want to open yourself up to her like that again.”

“Well – I mean – yeah – I might always _want_ to. It’s Kara, after all,” Lena gave a fond smile. “But some things just aren't meant to happen.”

“So, tell me, what is meant to happen, then?” Alex challenged. “You’re both just meant to be heartbroken after losing your mate forever?”

“It's not like that,” Lena brushed her off. “I'm not ready. Hell, I might not ever be ready. And Kara won't be heartbroken forever. She’ll be alright. She always is. She's Kara.”

Alex was the one who broke their eye contact this time, then she swallowed a lump in her throat and wore a look of betrayal as she said something Lena knew that Kara wouldn't have wanted Alex to share. “She's never going to move on from you, Lena.”

“I–” she furrowed her eyebrows, rapidly blinking a few times. “I'm sorry to hear that.”

“I don't say that to make you feel guilty. I mean, take your time figuring things out. In fact, take as long as you need to be ready, because my sister will still be there when you are,” Alex was earnest. “But don't take forever. Okay? Because Kara won't move on from you, but she is hurting over it all. She's still pretty stuck in the heartbreak.”

Lena looked down. She really didn't want to know that. She didn't like hearing when Kara was upset, because she always wanted to fix it for her – and in cases like that, she couldn't fix anything without jeopardizing her own boundaries.

Alex placed a hand on Lena’s knee, giving a sympathetic smile when she looked up. “As much as you wish you’re not, I think you're still a little stuck in the heartbreak some days too.”

And that was all it took for tears to come crashing down. Lena’s breath became uneven to the point of gasping for air, because suddenly the wind seemed to be knocked out of her. The comment was unexpected, but so profoundly accurate. She could tell everyone she wasn't heartbroken until she ran out of breath – hell, she could even convince herself every now and then. But every time she thought of Kara, all that heartbreak came back – every time, without fail, it came back. Because _fuck_ , did Lena missed the way she used to have her.

But she hated thinking about how she was still there, still standing in that lonely place after so long. It was sad, to be heartbroken after all this time. She hated acknowledging that, because it meant facing the very real reality that those feelings she had for Kara might not ever go away. They may always linger just beneath the surface. Maybe Lena would spend her whole life missing her. She didn't want to, but sometimes that's how it felt like life was bound to be.

“Oh, Lena,” Alex chimed, wrapping strong arms around her trembling frame. “I didn't mean to cause this. I'm sorry.”

Lena didn't say anything until she calmed down enough for her words to be understood. “Will I _ever_ stop wanting her?”

She felt Alex take a deep breath, her hand coming up to run through Lena's hair. “If you want to stop wanting her one day, I hope you will. I don't want you to be this upset. And she wouldn't either.”

“How can I make it stop, though?” Lena took a deep breath and tried to seriously think of a solution. “How do I get out of the heartbreak stage for good?”

Alex looked at her when she pulled away and wiped Lena's eyes with the meekest of shrugs. “I wish I had advice. But you're right. I haven't had to get over my great love yet.”

Lena gave a wry resemblance of a laugh. “Well, thanks for being honest, I guess.”

“It’s impossible not to be. I mean, I saw the two of you together. I remember. I can't delude myself into thinking I've ever been that far up someone's ass before,” Alex smiled, causing Lena to give a real laugh. “What you guys had was special. I've never seen two people be so in tune with each other. It might be only natural that it take a while to get over.”

“A while?” Lena shook her head and corrected her. “It's been almost two years.”

“You were together for six.”

“So, what? I have to miss her this much for six, too?”

“I don't know,” Alex shrugged. “But if it helps, she misses you too. Maybe it'd be better to miss each other together?”

Lena gave her a pointed look. She had a good hunch it had been taking Alex all of the power held within her to refrain from meddling. “It doesn't help at all.”

Alex held her hands up in innocence. Her voice was gentle and genuine. “Kidding! You know I want what's best for you always. Even if it's not her.”

“But you also really want what's best for me to be her. Am I wrong?”

Alex hopped off the bed at the lighter tone, but not before Lena could miss her smirk. “Of course I do. I _am_ the biggest fan of you guys as a couple.”

“Don't we know it,” she teased her. She looked at Alex, sincerely apologetic over it all. “I'm sorry it couldn't be simpler between me and her.”

Alex just tossed back a sad look, hanging up the outfit they'd picked for tomorrow in front of her closet. Her voice was somber as she proclaimed,“We both know that's not your fault.”

“Still,” Lena insisted. “If things could be different… I wish they could be.”

She watched Alex shrug, giving a small smile filled with reassurance. “Maybe one day. And maybe not one day. Either way, it’s okay that one day isn’t today.”

Lena forced a grin. She still felt guilty that she couldn’t open herself up to Kara, but at the same time she knew she had every right to hold her walls high. She was grateful that Alex understood that too. She was lucky to have her support. She knew it took a lot for her to think about perspectives other than Kara’s, because Alex always wanted what her sister wanted. It was rare for her to admit that her sister might not deserve it yet. In fact, this situation might be the only time she had.

“Thank you.”

Alex crinkled her eyebrows in genuine confusion. “What did I do?”

“You aren’t being pushy,” Lena stated as if it were obvious. “I know you want to fix things for her all the time, so thank you for not pushing me.” Lena gave a knowing smile, though, shaking her head with playfulness. “Even though I can see in your eyes that you clearly want to.”

“But I’m not!” Alex argued. “It doesn’t matter if I want to. Focus on how I’m not being pushy at all.”

“I am.” Lena was more appreciative than she could express. “Thank you.”

“You’re family too,” Alex reminded her for the first time in a long, long time. “No matter what happens, you’re our family too.”

She couldn’t stop the wide smile from spreading across her face. She wanted to play it cool and pretend those words meant nothing, but they meant the world. The only family she had ever felt like she belonged in was the Danvers. Even during that year of silence, she couldn’t shake the thought that those two women were her family. She knew if she needed them – _really_ needed them – they would’ve dropped everything to be by her side. She was simply too embarrassed to ask for help. Because that’s who Lena was. She did things on her own.

It was a new thought process, to realize that maybe it wasn’t a flaw to get attached to people. Maybe wanting people in her life made her strong. Maybe loving people wasn’t a sign of weakness, like she had been bred to believe. For the first time in her life, Lena was realizing that maybe opening up was a sign of power rather than inferiority.

It was hitting her that being vulnerable with her struggles might actually be her biggest accomplishment. Confronting her mental illness instead of allowing it to consume her might be the greatest example of her inner strength.

Because as she lived life in a stable mindset more and more, it was hitting her that most people don’t want to die all day, every day. She was seeing that it’s not normal to get jealous when news stories of people successfully committing suicide come on. Seeing pills, or weapons, or vehicles, and pondering how they could kill her wasn’t normal – it wasn’t. Honestly, nowadays, it scared her to know that her mind could get so dark. She never wanted to revisit that place again.

And, as she reflected on those things, she also realized that those dark thought processes would overwhelm some people to the point of them not making it. Now, she could see that the fact that she went through all of that, and thought all of those horrible things, yet still managed to be okay in the end was incredible. It was courageous, and cunning, and admirable. It was miraculous. Not killing herself might have been the bravest thing she’d ever done. Even when the world seemed as dreary as could be, she still stayed alive and risked things getting even worse.

So, while she might still struggle sometimes, Lena Luthor had made it out of her mind alive. That was the moral of the story. And it was something Lena was learning to be proud of.

* * *

When Lena looked beside her the next night, as her and Kara sat side by side, she saw Kara’s attention glued to the TV in front of them, but it was a little _too_ glued for it to be believable. She wasn’t even that engrossed when the Kardashians were on, so Lena had a hard time believing she was that interested in the business channel. Kara didn’t even turn to face Lena as she stared at her, and Kara always made eye contact when she felt Lena’s eyes on her. That was all the confirmation Lena needed to know that Kara was up to no good.

“Stop listening in on their date,” she chimed. “That’s an invasion of privacy and you know it.”

“I just want to know what’s going on!” Kara jumped at the sudden noise. “And you do too.”

“I do, but it’s still an invasion of privacy,” Lena reiterated. “You know you can’t do that.”

“I can do anything I please,” Kara huffed, holding her chin high and crossing her arms. “I’m assuming you don’t want me to tell you what they’re saying, then?”

Lena hesitated, because she _did_ want to know, but the point was that Kara shouldn’t be eavesdropping on her sister’s private life just because she had the ability to, and admitting Lena was curious would mean encouraging Kara's behavior.

“Well. I mean, since you already heard I guess you might as well tell me – if you want to. It doesn’t matter to me.”

“Oh, I don’t have to,” Kara waved a hand through the air with a crinkle of the nose. “You’re clearly not that interested. I wouldn’t want to bore you.”

“Kara,” Lena clenched her teeth with a small smile of defeat. She knew damn well that Kara Danvers was completely and entirely aware of how much she was dying to know about what was going on. Lena was just too proud to admit she’d stoop to that level of nosiness.

Kara played innocent, though, holding her hands up and defending herself. “What? I wouldn’t want to waste time talking about things you’re not interested in,” she smirked. And oh, Lena _knew_ Kara knew what she was doing to her. “How was your day? You better not have gone into the office.”

“Really?” Lena rose her eyebrows. “Are you really going to make me ask?”

“Probably beg, but you can try asking first, if you want,” Kara grinned. “Maybe I’ll take mercy.”

Lena took a deep breath, then rolled her eyes at how difficult the girl in front of her was choosing to be. She gritted her teeth and mumbled, “I want to know.”

“Oh?” Kara pondered. “So – just to clarify – you want to invade their privacy too?”

“ _I_ didn’t invade their privacy,” Lena sharply corrected her. “You did. I just want to know what you found out.”

“Well, if you want to know, then you want to know their personal business too, which is an invasion of their privacy. Is it not?”

Lena contemplated her options. She honestly thought about dropping the subject purely because she didn’t want to give Kara the satisfaction of being right, but her curiosity won. “Then, yeah. I guess I do.”

“You do what?”

“Are you serious?” Lena gawked. “Kara, just tell me!”

“You chastised me. I need to be sure you want to be an accomplice to my eavesdropping,” Kara defended herself. “Really, it’s for your own good. I don’t want the guilt to eat you alive if you know what I know.”

Lena shook her head with incredulity, then crossed her arms with a pout. Kara won this round without a doubt. “I want to know what they said.”

“So, you want to invade their privacy too?” Kara repeated the question.

Lena let out a tired breath, trying her best to sound unimpressed rather than amused. She refused to reward Kara’s antics by showing that it was the slightest bit funny. “ _Yes_ , I want to invade their privacy too.”

“Well, you should of just said so!” Kara broke into a smile when she saw Lena’s begrudged expression. “There’s nothing wrong with being curious about what’s going on, right?”

“Just tell me,” Lena finally ordered. “I’ll admit that I want to know, but I won’t endorse your bad behavior.”

Kara flat out laughed, finally giving in. “I’ll take what I can get. I figured you wouldn’t agree with that one.”

Lena waited for her to continue, and when she didn’t she couldn’t help but be annoyed. “ _So_?”

“Oh, right!” Kara kept smiling. “They’re having a good time. I think Sam took her to an arcade.”

Lena stifled a laugh of her own. “I didn’t know Alex is even _able_ to let loose enough to enjoy an arcade.”

“It surprised me too,” Kara laughed along. “Sam is teasing her a lot. And Alex sounds annoyed, but I can literally hear her hiding a smile.”

Lena was uplifted. At least things were going good. “Sam did say she wanted to tease her more this date. She thinks she went too easy on her last time.”

“I'm just glad they're having fun,” Kara told her with a wide grin. “That hasn’t happened for Alex in a long time. Probably since Maggie.”

Lena looked down for a second. She hated that she had missed so much time. “Did she date anyone else seriously in the past year?”

“No, I think she’s still been sleeping around or keeping things really casual,” Kara sighed. “I worry sometimes. I want her to fall in love again so badly. I want her to find someone long-term, because I _know_ she wants that. I just get anxious that she might’ve given up on it.”

Lena almost laughed, because that feeling was all too familiar.

“I know,” she timidly scooted over to wrap a comforting arm around Kara. She didn’t know if affection was okay anymore or if it was a step too far, but when Kara tensed she immediately pulled away, mortified as she realized it must be a step too far. “Sorry. Sorry, I-”

“No,” Kara grabbed Lena's arm to wrap it back around her shoulders. “I need that right now. It just came as a surprise is all.”

“You sure?” Lena murmured, keeping her voice soft as her mouth laid near Kara’s ear and Kara's body sunk into her embrace, letting Lena finally hold her.

“Positive,” she heard Kara let out a deep breath, but it sounded content enough to let Lena stop worrying over it. They sat in silence for a while, then Kara spoke again, her voice still coming out somber. “I just want her to be happy. I want her to be happy more than anything in the whole entire world.”

“Me too,” Lena promised. “I want that for both of them.”

Kara was clearly hesitant to say something, and Lena was confused as to why she tensed again, but when she nervously asked her question she understood. “Do you truly think Sam is good for her, or is it just because Sam needs someone like Alex to rely on?”

“Well, I think they're good for each other above all. But, to be honest, at first it wasn't because I thought Sam needs someone like Alex at all,” she cautiously shook her head, then proclaimed, “I actually set them up because I think Alex needs someone like Sam.”

“Really?” Kara pulled away to meet Lena’s eyes, confusion written all over. When she saw Lena was serious, she sat back, leaning into her embrace again. “Why’s that?”

“I mean, I can't deny that Sam might have some issues, but she’s tough. Really tough, Kar. She doesn't need anyone to be happy. She appreciates the little things in life enough to make herself happy. And she’s defiant, and doesn’t let anyone get away with their shit. She listens to people, and validates them when they vent, and always stands by them without wavering as they overcome their own issues, because I think she needed that and never got it,” Lena confided. “Maybe you’ll disagree, I don’t really know, but I think Alex needs that. She needs someone who sees past her badass facade and let’s her be vulnerable. She needs someone who can make her feel comfortable as she is, without even flinching when she begins to reveal all the things from the past she's convinced people will run when they know. I don't think she even told Maggie a lot of things, because she wants to bury them. Between her party stage, and Astra, and Jeremiah… there's a lot she blames herself for. And she won't even talk about them, because while you _know_ I love Alex, she’s closed off. She doesn't open up to anyone anymore. And no one is better than getting people to let down their walls than Sam is. Even me – from day one, I let down my guard for her, because she just has this aura where it feels so safe to do so. I was hoping she could do the same for Alex. Because Alex _needs_ to trust someone enough to be authentic again.” Lena smiled a little, letting go of her serious demeanor to add, “And she also _needs_ someone who will keep her in place and give her a hard time. I think she even likes being challenged and kept on her on toes for once. The two of us can try, but she’ll always out-wit us and you know it.”

“That is not true!” Kara exclaimed. “I keep up with her just fine!”

Lena just laughed, nodding her head with unhidden disagreement. “Sure you do.”

“I do!”

“Mhm,” she teased. “Either way, neither of us do to Sam’s level. Plus, Sam is a great mom, and Ruby is a great kid, too. She just wants her mom to be with someone good, and Alex fits that. And she wants to be a parent so bad. I wanted to at least try to get them together, because they’re good for each other. I know you don’t see it, but Sam is perfect for her.”

Kara shook her head, letting out a deep breath and voicing her real concern. “I think I’m just freaked out because of the whole psych ward thing. I know that’s wrong and judgmental of me, I just… she's my sister. You know? I don’t want anyone to mess her up like Maggie did.”

“I was in a psych ward,” Lena pointed out. “Are you afraid of me messing someone up?”

“Of course not!” Kara urgently promised. “But it's different. You’re _Lena_. I know you’re not crazy.”

“And neither is Sam,” Lena managed to keep herself from being irritated. She knew Kara was just being a worried sister, but she also knew Sam enough to know that she wasn’t a sociopath. She was safe. Her illness was well treated, and she was honestly the healthiest person Lena knew. “I know Sam isn’t going to hurt her. Okay? I _know_. She takes care of her mental illness really well. I wouldn’t set them up if I was even slightly worried about that.”

Kara stayed silent, still clearly skeptical, but smart enough to stop voicing it. Lena looked down to see her twiddling her fingers with nervousness, though, anxiety still clearly pent up inside. But she didn't know what to say to calm her down, so she just held her a little tighter.

“She opens up to me,” Kara eventually broke the silence, sounding desperate as she tried to convince them both that that was enough. “I see past the badass parts. It's not like she needs Sam or anything.”

“I know she doesn't need her, but… Alex does need people other than you in her life. Even if it's not Sam, she does,” Lena gently reminded her of something that she knew Kara oftentimes forgot. “You mean a lot to her, but her whole life can’t be you, Kar.”

“Well, obviously. That’s why she has you,” Kara scoffed matter-of-factly. Lena nudged her and she laughed, defeatedly acknowledging the point. “I know. I get it. I’m being overprotective.”

“You are,” Lena agreed. She momentarily squeezed the arm that was wrapped around Kara tighter in reassurance. “Give them a chance. I think they're good for each other. And they're on a second date, so she must see something in Sam, right?”

Kara nodded along, unable to argue with that. “Yeah, you’re right.”

Lena looked down, frowning at the worried expression that still wouldn't leave Kara’s face. There was no reason for her to be worried, but Lena knew that without meeting Sam for herself she would never fully trust her. Lena wanted to divulge about Sam to at least somewhat set Kara's mind at ease, but she also didn’t know if that’d be crossing the line from Sam’s point-of-view. She mulled over what to do, then decided if she kept it to positive things Sam probably wouldn’t mind – as long as she kept the details of Sam mental health out of it. And Lena would do anything to ease Kara’s mind at least a little bit. So, as always, Kara’s happiness won.

“How about I tell you more about her?” she offered. “You don’t really know her like I do. I think you’d like her if you did.”

Kara pulled herself out of Lena’s arms, turning to make eye contact again. “Can you, please?”

“Of course,” Lena smiled as they rearranged themselves to be facing each other on the couch. Lena didn't know where to start in all that was Sam, but eventually she decided to begin with what would always be Sam's first priority. “She has Ruby. That's her daughter. She’s in middle school and a spitfire. If they get to the point of Alex meeting her, I know she’ll love her too. Ruby is Sam’s rock, though. Nothing is more important to her than that girl, and it's unlikely anything ever will be.” Lena fondly smiled, then moved on. “Let’s see… Before she started working at L-Corp she worked at a firm with some asshole of a boss. It was a smaller firm, so this was a big promotion for her, but she’s doing so well in it. She’s thriving and probably the best CFO I’ve had in a long time – maybe ever. And that’s not me being biased either! Even Greg likes her. And you know Greg.”

“I do,” Kara smirked at her. “I don’t think he even likes _you_ , so that’s impressive.”

“Oh, he _definitely_ doesn’t like me,” Lena laughed in agreement. “But Sam won him over. She’s professional, but gentle in the way she goes about things. That gentleness is why she’s such a great friend. It’s like, she’s so introspective and insightful because of everything she’s gone through, and all she wants to do is share that knowledge to help the people around her grow as much as she has. She's the most positive person I've ever met.”

“More positive than me?”

Lena didn't know how to explain it, so it took her a moment to figure it out. “It's a different kind of positive. You're the bubbly positive and she's the realistic positive.”

Kara furrowed her eyebrows in confusion. “Define the difference?”

“Like, you're positive in the sense of, ‘Everything will be alright, there’s nothing to worry about,’ but she's positive in the sense of, ‘It might not be fine, and it could actually be really terrible, but you'll overcome it, even if it’s absolute shit.’”

Kara squinted as she compared the two. “I feel like hers is better.”

“Yeah. For reassurance purposes it is. But yours leaves me in awe.” Lena couldn't be more truthful. “It's so cool to see someone who actually still believes the world is all good – someone who can go out and fight crime every night, and still come home believing only the best will happen to people. You genuinely always think there's nothing to worry about, because you think the world is innately good.”

She watched Kara suddenly turn abashed, looking down to wring out her hands – which was something Lena had realized years ago that Kara only did when she felt inferior “Well, when you put it like that, I sound stupid.”

“No. It makes me so happy to know that there are people like you out there,” Lena immediately promised, trying to relay with everything in her how much she truly meant that. “The world needs more people who choose to simply ignore the dark parts and believe in the goodness of humanity. If more people did, it'd be so much better – infinitely better. Your blind optimism is beyond refreshing.”

“Are you just saying that?” Kara analyzed. “It sounds like you're just trying to make me feel better.”

“I'm completely serious,” Lena laughed at her disbelief. “I love your outlook on life, Kara. I wish everyone could have it.”

Kara looked down with a shy smile, then back up as she tried to hide it. “Well, thanks then.”

“You're welcome,” Lena nodded. She looked down and bit her lip, unsure if turning the conversation into something heartfelt would be crossing the line, but eventually she decided that friends could be heartfelt. She thought it over a second longer, then confirmed it with herself. Yeah. Friends could be heartfelt. So, she was. “I hope you know that I love almost everything about you. Because, seriously. I do. You're the closest thing to perfection I've ever known. So, don't be ashamed of being who you are or believing what you believe. I know you can be insecure about it or think your outlook is childish, but it makes me so happy. You have no idea.”

Kara tried to disguise her wide smile by biting her lip, but Lena saw it loud and clear. “Thank you.”

“Of course,” she casually brushed it off, acting as if it was nothing.

She felt Kara’s stare, but it took her a while to look up and meet it. When she did, for the first time, there was only bliss in her blue eyes. All the pain from the past had disappeared for a moment, and it put Lena on top of the world to know she was the one who made that happen.

Kara took a deep breath and shook her head with the fondest smile. “I really missed you, Lena. You can't even imagine how much I really, _really_ missed you. I can't even put into words how happy I am to have you back.”

Lena wore her own expression of bliss, pursing her lips into a happy grin. “I really missed you too, Kara.”

She saw her flicker her gaze away for moment, then Kara turned back with undying curiosity. “Can I ask you a question? You don't have to answer.”

And Lena honestly wanted to say no, because she knew it'd be something a little _too_ heartfelt, but she's the one who opened this door in the first place. “Of course.”

Kara's eyes squinted for a moment, then she subtly tilted her head to the side with a furrow of the brow. “Maybe it'll sound silly to you, I don't know, but do you ever think we were meant to be in each other's lives? Not romantically or anything! But… I don't know how to describe it. Do you think we were meant to find our way back eventually? Even if it's always as just friends – which is good and I'm fine with that! – do you ever feel like that's what was destined to happen?”

Lena took a deep breath. Her first reaction was to make a sarcastic remark and drop the seriousness that had settled in between the two of them, but then she realized this was Kara. She’d always be open with Kara. And because of that, she boldly proclaimed, “I think me and you are two people who'll always find our way back. I think in a way it's kind of inevitable. No matter what happens between us, even if we're always friends and never go back to being romantically intertwined, I think we've been through too much to ever permanently throw it all away. I mean – hell, Kar. Even if we didn't talk for fifty years, I’d _still_ drop everything the second you called to make sure you were okay, no questions asked. I could be in Portugal and I'd catch the first flight to be by your side. That's just who you are to me,” Lena shrugged a little at her own honesty, offering the candid truth. “You're Kara. You know? You're _Kara_. And because you are who you are, you'll always be my first priority, no matter what. That's the one thing in my life I'm sure of, the one thing that I know will never change. Regardless of what the future holds, you'll always be my first priority.”

Kara looked down with a bashful smile, then looked up, and when she did, Lena swore her eyes sparkled. “You really mean that?”

“I don't say things I don't mean, do I?” Lena tried to sound tough and like she hadn't just bared her soul. But when it sounded too harsh, she softened. “Of course I mean it, Kara.”

“That makes me feel good,” Kara let out what sounded like a sigh of relief. “Less dumb.”

And Lena crinkled her eyebrows, tilting her head with an amused, extremely confused smile. “Why do you feel dumb?”

“Oh,” Kara instantly turned into a stuttering mess again. “Uh – no reason. It's not a big deal.”

“Do you feel dumb because of _me_?” Lena asked.

Kara waved a hand through the air, dramatically shaking her head. “No! Not because of _you_ , just… you know. It's complicated.”

And a part of Lena wanted to nod along and quit prying, a part of her wanted to let it go and accept that it was oh, so complicated, but she was also a Luthor. No one ever taught her how to let something go.

“I highly doubt it's too complicated for me comprehend. Why do you feel dumb?”

Kara pursed her lips, then looked at her sorrowfully. “Don't ask questions you don't want to know the answer to.”

Lena decided to act much stronger than she should've. “I do want to know the answer.”

“Lena,” Kara murmured, pleading to be believed. “You don't. It'll upset you. Or make you feel bad. Or make you say things that aren't true to comfort me. Or you'll run. I don't know. But I know you don't want to know.”

Lena sighed and reached out to grab Kara's hands as if her heart wasn't pounding with anxiety from the physical contact all of the sudden. “Look. If something that involves me is upsetting you, I want to know. Always. I don't care if it upsets me, I still _always_ want to know.”

Kara rose a skeptical eyebrow. “Are you sure about that?”

“I am.”

She watched as the girl in front of her looked away, then nodded defeatedly. “Okay. But remember you asked.”

“I did,” Lena confirmed.

“Okay well…” Kara fiddled with her glasses for a moment as she trailed off, then let out a deep breath and a timid, “I kind of thought you didn't really care any more.”

“Wait, _what_?” Lena was genuinely incredulous. “About you? That I didn't care about you?”

“I – yeah, I guess,” Kara shrugged, but it was clear she felt embarrassed at the blatant shock she got in response to her confession. “I thought how highly I think of you was one sided.”

Lena shook her head, repeating the absurd idea aloud. “You thought I didn't care about you?” She actually laughed. “Why would I be here if I didn't care?”

“I don't know, I thought it was because you were just being nice. I mean, you're naturally nice to anyone you come into contact with. I thought I was just another person you were being nice to, and that you probably just felt sorry for me because you knew how much I missed you or something. Or maybe Alex set you up for it and you felt bad saying ‘no’, you know? I didn't think I actually mattered that much to you anymore, because how could I when we have our past?”

Lena scoffed at the thought process, her disbelief not fading a bit. “Kara, listen. If you were anyone else we would not be in the same room right now. Okay? I don't say this to make you feel bad, but if literally _anyone_ other than you did what you did, they'd be out of my life forever. There's no pity involved in that. It's _because_ of our past that I am here and care so much.”

Kara grimaced at the bittersweet reminder of what they'd both lost, then met Lena's eye again. “I just didn't think you'd still view me so highly after everything that happened.”

Lena stared at her for a few moments, then squeezed the hands that were in her own. She took a deep breath and profoundly for the first time admitted, “It’s true that you broke me when you left.” She smiled, though, remembering the good times fondly. “But how many times have you saved me? Hm? Tell me, how many times have you made everything better when I thought the world was ending?”

“You don't need to make me feel better.”

“I don't. But I do need to let you know how much I care. Because, man, do I _care_. I care for you so much that it sometimes hurts, and I always, always will. I'll promise you that forever. I am not here due to feeling sorry for you or because Alex forced me to be. I'm here because you literally mean so much to me that I couldn't annex you from my life the way I would've done to anyone else.”

Kara tucked a strand of blonde hair behind her ear, accompanied by a small nod. “Thank you, then. You can’t imagine how mutual that level of caring is.”

But Lena could. As much as she liked to pretend she didn’t hear all the compliments or notice the longing looks, she saw them. She saw them every time. She could ignore them all she wanted, sure, but she couldn’t miss them. She knew Kara cared for her too. That much was obvious.

“Do you remember what I told you about Kryptonian mating?” Kara asked out of the blue.

And at that, Lena’s mind instantly went blank, because she wasn’t ready to talk about _that_ yet. She remembered what Alex had told her about how Kara knew Lena would always be her mate, but Lena wasn’t even close to being ready to delve into that subject yet.

So, she picked up her phone and glanced at the time, then furrowed her eyebrows in mock concern as she looked at her notifications and did what she did best. She avoided the deep talk altogether. “I do remember that, but… I’m afraid we’ll have to continue this another time. Something’s going on at L-Corp.”

“Lena, we don’t have to–”

“I gotta go,” she shot off the couch, grabbing her bag from the kitchen chair. “I’ll call you later, though.”

“Lena, I’m sorry!” Kara tried again. “I didn’t mean to–”

“I’ll call you,” she repeated, tucking her bag close to her body for comfort, for something to protect her from being that vulnerable again.

Kara stared at her as if she was going to beg her to stay, but eventually the conflict in her eyes faded. Concern was still there, but she gave in to Lena’s desire to go. “You’ll call?”

Lena felt a lump in her throat, because she didn’t want to ever call right then. She wanted to run, to escape this conversation forever. But she managed a weak, “Yes. I’ll call.”

“Okay,” Kara accepted. “I’ll, uh – yeah, I’ll talk to you later, then.”

“Yeah,” Lena forced a smile, hating how awkward things had become. A moment ago everything seemed fine. It was touchy-feely, but it had been fine. Now, it was so far from fine that she wanted to disappear forever. “I'll – uh – I'll see you.”

“Hey!” Kara called out just as Lena had almost walked out the door.

She hesitantly turned around. More than ever, she just wanted to get out of that apartment. It suddenly seemed to be lacking enough air for her to breathe.

When they made eye contact yet again, it was obvious Kara felt guilty for ever bringing it up, and Lena almost wanted to stay and comfort her, to coo that it was all okay.

“I’m sorry,” Kara murmured. “I didn’t mean to upset you.”

“I’m not upset at all. It’s – just – you know – L-Corp.” She never had been a good liar.

Kara didn’t call her on it, though. She gave a defeated nod and heavy sigh. “Yeah. I definitely know L-Corp.”

“Yeah,” Lena stumbled. “So – yeah. I’ll call you.”

Kara looked down dejectedly, licking her lips with a face full of regret. “I’ll be here.”

And once again, Lena wanted to stay. She wanted to take all of Kara’s mistakes and convince her to forgive herself, but she couldn’t do that without losing her mind. She wasn’t ready to be that raw again.

So, instead, she walked out of the apartment and caught a cab over to the bar she used to frequent before all of this happened, before the Danvers waltzed back into her life. She needed a drink. It probably wouldn’t make her feel better, but it would remind her of a time when Kara didn’t know a single thing about what was going on in her life. For the first time since reuniting, Lena felt like she needed that distance back, because suddenly she felt so exposed she would panic if she thought about it too long.

She loved Kara more than she had ever loved anything, that much was certain, but the idea of discussing Kryptonian mating was too much to handle. Kara was her mate – she knew that, she was finally facing that – but she wasn’t ready to discuss it. She wasn’t ready to admit exactly how much Kara still meant to her aloud. She just wasn’t ready at all.

So, she didn't talk about any of it. Instead, she walked into the shady bar she hadn’t been to in months and waved at the middle-aged bartender as if no time had passed. “Do you remember my usual?”

“I couldn’t forget the famous Lena Luthor, could I?”

Lena was in no mood for laughing, but she forced one out for his sake. “I’ll take that and two shots. And please, make it quick.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> come talk to me on Tumblr!   
> shes-cured.tumblr.com


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> miss me? don't ask where I've been because I honestly don't even know.

The next morning, everything hurt. Her head was throbbing, her muscles ached, her entire body felt heavy, and she wasn’t sure if that was all due to the emptiness she felt inside or simply because she was hungover. She didn't want to wake up, though, she knew that much. She knew she definitely didn't want to return to running L-Corp. She didn’t even want to leave the house - or her bed, for that matter. Everything just seemed like too much to handle at six a.m..

So, she decided not to handle any of it as if it was all that simple. For the first time in her whole life, she just decided to roll over on a Monday morning when nothing was wrong, and simply not face the world. She'd lay in bed today. That never hurt anyone. Hell, she probably deserved the rest. Or, at least, that's what she was trying to convince herself of.

At seven-thirty, after an hour and a half of lacking motivation, she picked up her phone and drafted out an email to tell her corporate employees she’d return tomorrow as a personal matter came up that she had to attend to. Then, after that was done, she sunk back into her pillows and enjoyed the comfort. Today was such a good day to hide from the world. She didn't even feel guilty about avoiding her life or ditching work. It almost felt necessary.

And that was completely unlike her. She could realize that something was seriously wrong if she felt so okay with laying in bed all day, because she had never hid from anything before. Even after her break up with Kara, she went in jet lagged and heartbroken for the last half of her work day. During the deepest depths of her depression, when every single day she was hitting rock bottom and craving death, Lena still got out of bed and continued living her life as if she was fine. But today was a day to protect herself from…

Well, she didn’t really know what she was protecting herself from. She just knew she needed the protection somehow. She felt safe and warm under her covers, and she wasn't ready for that safety to go away. She'd soak in it while she could. She could pick herself back up tomorrow. Honestly, she didn’t even know what was wrong. She didn’t feel overly depressed – she didn’t want to die or anything – but she also felt like she couldn’t leave her apartment or face her life.

She got a worried email from Sam within minutes reading, _Are you okay?_

Lena typed back a short, _Yes_ , then moved on with her day. She turned her phone on silent and set it to the side. She was truly hiding from the world today. That was her only goal.

At nine o’ clock she managed to roll out from under her warmth and safety to shower. She didn't really feel like it, but she figured if she wasn't doing any of her other responsibilities, the least she could do was shower. Maybe it'd cleanse her of her conversation with Kara the night before. That would be ideal.

But it didn't. It definitely didn't. And she wanted to laugh, because in reality, she’d known it couldn’t. Nothing could erase that from her mind. The whole time she tried to enjoy the hot water hitting her body, memories of Kara flooded her mind and ruined it. She didn't know how she was going to face her after that. She didn't mean to run, but she couldn't talk about what she wanted to talk about without feeling overly exposed. She wasn’t ready to show that much of herself yet.

When that was over and she’d failed to fully cleanse herself, she thought about her options of how to spend her day without L-Corp. There were a lot of things she could do. She could clean – her bedroom desperately needed a good vacuum. She could organize her personal finances – there wasn't much to do, but she liked focusing on money. Maybe she could cook herself some breakfast or make some coffee. But she decided against it. She decided to do none of those things. Instead, she got into bed and rolled over, pulling the blanket upwards until it was tucked under her chin again. Back to being safe and warm.

And it wasn't like she was _depressed_. She didn't want to die or think every little thing in life sucked. She just didn't want to get out of bed. Honestly, even if she had gone to work, it wasn't like she would’ve been able to focus on anything but Kara. Her mind was racing with thought after thought after thought, and not surprisingly, every single one involved Kara Danvers.

Her phone lit up around twelve and Lena saw Alex's name across her screen, but she was too tired to deal with that. So, she rolled over to the other side, leaving the phone to silently ring behind her. Out of sight, out of mind. In her defense, if she wasn't even ready to deal with L-Corp today, she certainly wasn't ready to face a Danvers sister.

When one-thirty came around, there was a knock on her door that she had no intent on answering. It was either a package or someone she didn't want to see, neither of which enticed her to get out of bed.

The knock repeated itself and Lena rolled her eyes. She didn't want to see them. Whether it was Sam or Alex or, worst of all, Kara, she didn't want to see them today.

When she heard the lock click she shot out of bed and threw her hair into a messy bun to look more put together than she was, then sat back under the covers and opened her laptop to act as if she hadn't just been sulking all morning. She was Lena Luthor, and Lena Luthor had her shit together.

As she pretended to look through a business proposal she’d received Friday afternoon, she heard whoever it was walking through the house and for a brief moment she realized she should probably be more concerned about who was in her apartment, but she couldn't find that in her. She assumed it was Kara or Alex. They used to have a key. She almost let out a real laugh at how stupid she’d been for not changing her locks. If she would’ve changed them she could still be alone right now.

As the footsteps got closer, Lena pretended to be more engrossed in her Word document, looking it over as if she could actually focus. She ignored Alex in her doorway, but when she just silently stood there, Lena looked up to face her. She couldn’t help but sound bothered by her interruption. “What are you doing here, Alex?”

“What are _you_ doing here, Lena?” she tossed back. “It’s a Monday.”

“Yes, and it's my apartment,” Lena was curt in her rebuttal. “Why are you here?”

She saw Alex take a cautious step into the room out of the corner of her eye, then purse her lips. Lena would’ve smiled had she not been so sullen. She never thought she’d be able to stump the great Alex Danvers, but she seemed to be unsure on how to handle the situation.

“You never call off work,” Alex must’ve finally settled on where to start.

Lena let out a sigh that she made sure conveyed how unappreciated this visit was, then shut her laptop and met Alex’s eye. “I felt sick.”

“You’ve gone in with a 102 degree fever. You’ve gone in puking your brains out. You had pneumonia and you still went in! You don't care if you're sick,” Alex called her out on the lie. “I remember, because it used to drive me crazy.”

Lena just shrugged the exasperation off. “I've gained some common sense since then. Now I call off when I'm sick.”

Alex shook her head, going over to hold an impatient hand to her forehead. “You don't have a fever and you certainly don't sound like you have a cold, so I think you're full of shit.”

“Well, that's blunt,” Lena muttered her reply. She looked at Alex and was unable to hide how unimpressed she was. “Why are you here?”

“Sam called,” she sat at the foot of the bed. “She said she's in meetings all day, but she was worried.”

Lena gave a dry laugh, shaking her head with disbelief. “What a traitor. I’m already regretting setting you guys up.”

“I bet you are,” Alex grinned. “No one hates talking about their feelings more than you.”

“And I'm not talking about my feelings. There aren’t even any feelings to talk about,” Lena snapped at her. “As I told Sam, I’m fine.”

“Yet you're in bed with nothing notably wrong instead of at the job you love and never call in sick from,” Alex narrated for them. “Something has to be wrong for that to happen. So, what is it?”

“Nothing!” she insisted yet again. “I just needed a day off. Okay? It’s not a big deal.”

Alex gave her a soft smiled and a shake of the head that was filled with sad amusement. “ _Lena_. I know you. You're full of shit right now.”

She just rolled her eyes, opening her laptop back up with a mumbled, “Whatever. Think what you want.”

“I will. I'll think you're lying through your teeth.”

“Okay, you can have your opinion,” she stated blankly, her attitude dripping through. “Doesn't mean it's right, though.”

Alex stared at her, watching as she pretended to browse through web pages, then timidly pried. “Is this about your conversation with Kara last night?”

“This has nothing to do with my conversation with Kara last night,” she quickly snipped the conversation short. “Something came up at L-Corp.”

“Right, right. Something super urgent, yet not important enough to go into work today,” Alex mused. When Lena didn't reply, she let out a sigh. “She said you were pretty upset.”

“I wasn't upset at all,” she rolled her eyes. “I was fine. I told her that.”

“You also made a quick exit.”

“I was fine,” Lena firmly repeated. “I'm _still_ fine. You can go.”

“I think I'll stay,” Alex shrugged, putting down her bag as if it was emphasis. “I'll keep you company.”

Lena couldn't even begin to hide her annoyance. “I don't _want_ company, Alex. Go back to the DEO. I want to be alone.”

“I know you do, but I don't think you should be,” Alex made it sound so simple. “The DEO can live without me.”

“Aren't you the director?”

“Your point?”

Lena didn't bother arguing. She just rolled her eyes again. “Suit yourself. I'm fine, though.”

“Okay.”

“Okay.”

“Okay,” Alex mimed. “I'm still staying.”

Lena shook her head. Her day was going so well until this happened. “I really wish you wouldn't.”

“I mean, I can leave,” she offered. Then, she added the catch. “But if I do I'm telling Kara you called in sick. And you know she’ll be worse than me.”

And that one got her. Lena couldn't even argue it, because she would be. Kara would pry, and she'd be concerned, and she would probably full-out panic over Lena’s well-being. That was just what Kara did. She worried about her. Even when Lena insisted she shouldn't, she worried so much.

She clenched her jaw, slowly closing her laptop in dismay. She was pissed at the ultimatum, but would admit it was effective. “What do you want?”

“I want you to admit you're not okay, then I want you tell me why that is.”

“But I _am_ okay,” Lena told her for the billionth time. “I'm fine.”

Alex sat back and waved her hand through the air. “Go on. Say it again. Try to be more convincing this time.”

Lena was nearly seething at how pushy she was being. She hadn’t pushed her into opening up since they’d reconnected, but right now it was like she wouldn’t give up. Lena suddenly missed the docile version of her she’d been dealing with. She held Alex's stare with a flat out glare of her own, her breaths short and heavy.

“I am _fine_. Just leave me alone.”

Alex’s look became one of sympathy as her voice lost the amusement and instead turned tender and serious. “Talk to me about it. I know what she brought up is a sore subject.”

“It was no big deal,” Lena shrugged the whole thing off, yet was unable to maintain eye contact at the mention of it. “It's just Kryptonian mating. You're the one making a big deal over it, not me.”

“Lena,” Alex coaxed. “You can honestly tell me that it didn't effect you at all?”

She looked down, then tried another casual shrug, but even she could tell her demeanor became somber at the challenge. She refused to admit to being upset, though. “Yep. It didn't effect me at all.”

Alex opened her mouth in a way that told Lena she had a lot she wanted to say, but she didn't say any of it out loud. She simply asked, “Why won't you open up to me?”

And Lena couldn’t reply, because how was she supposed to explain that she didn't want to open up to a Danvers sister ever again? How was she supposed to explain how badly she wanted to pull away from them in order to protect her heart.

“We had a heart-to-heart about this just a few days ago. What’s changed?”

Lena still didn't want to answer, so she just shook her head with dismissal. “Don't worry about it.”

“I am worried about it! I have to be,” she proclaimed. “I don't want you pulling away from me. It hurt so bad the last time, and I don't want to go through that again. You have to understand how hard it was for me to lose you.”

Lena just gave a wry smile with a dry laugh. “Low blow to bring up the past, don't you think?”

There was no amusement from the girl in front of her, though. Her sadness echoed off the walls. “I'm being honest with you. That hurt me a lot. I missed you a _lot_. I don't want to relive it.”

She couldn’t help but soften at Alex's sincerity, finally offering reassurance. “You're not losing me. I just want space.”

“I know. But I don't know why you want it from _me_ ,” she kept fighting for herself. “If you need it, it's okay – I really will back off. But can I at least know why?”

And Lena spent time thinking it over, but she really didn't have an answer, because logically, she knew that Alex didn't do anything. She wasn't the one trying to get Lena to talk about huge topics that she didn’t want to talk about ever again. She wasn't the one trying to force herself further in. But deep down, Lena knew that, in a way, Kara wasn’t either.

She knew within her that Kara didn't bring up mating in an attempt to try to break down her walls. Lena was one-hundred percent positive that Kara wasn't even aware of how delicate of a subject that was to her. To Kara, discussing Kryptonian mating probably wasn’t even touchy. Because that's who she was. Kara was an open book – so much so that Lena was almost convinced soul-baring was in her DNA. She was someone who liked to talk about her feelings, and she viewed opening up as a way to get closer – unlike Lena, who saw it as a threat. To Kara, there was nothing risky about being transparent with her thoughts and feelings. In fact, it was something she actually enjoyed.

Over the almost nine years they'd known each other, Lena had learned a few things about Kara Danvers, and one of the most important was that Kara truly was fearless when it came to being vulnerable. When she met people, she went all in, every time. Where Lena could live in the small talk phase, Kara would dive into the deep end of new relationships with actual excitement. Lena was almost certain that she could bond with anyone.

When Lena remembered their first encounter, she always smiled, because she remembered the way there was something about Kara Danvers that was so, absolutely enthralling – it was there from day one. Something about her made Lena want to instantly dive into that deep end with her. That was something that had never happened before.

And more than anything, that was what Kara strived for with everyone she met. In every interaction she had, Kara wanted to feel close to people. She loved it. She loved getting to know everyone on a deeper level. She loved exchanging secrets and having deep conversations. She could do it with a stranger, and she was in heaven when she did it with friends.

So, it wasn't Kara being pushy when she brought up such a sensitive subject. Lena recognized that – she recognized that to Kara, being that open wasn't terrifying, but rather a comfort. She knew it was who she was. But that wasn't Lena. That wasn't her at all.

And while she had regained her friendship with the Danvers, things still weren't quite the same. She still wasn't ready to be the emotionally reckless version of herself that Alex remembered. She couldn't show that much of herself to them again. At least, not yet. Because it was terrifying.

Yet, it was also so hard not to tell them every little thing, because Lena realized that they were the only people she was continually hiding herself from now. With Sam and her therapist, it was easy to gradually show more of herself. With other people, she was finally learning what it meant to be honest in expressing her thoughts, and feelings, and needs. With other people, this whole opening up thing was new. But with the Danvers…

They already knew her. They knew her better than anyone, actually. But in a way, they kind of blew it. Lena put her entire heart in their hands, and they left. Which, sure. Maybe _technically_ Lena was the one who pushed Alex away to begin with, but in her defense, Alex let her.

And she knew that was unfair. She knew it was completely unfair to blame the end of their friendship on Alex when Lena did all of the pushing, but convincing herself of that was easier than admitting that it was her own fault that she'd lost the girl she had for so long considered a sister. Also, convincing herself of that made it a hell of a lot easier to push her away a second time.

“It's okay. Just tell me,” Alex brought Lena back to Earth as she urged her to continue. “I can handle space, I just want a reason for it. That's all I need. Then I'll go. I promise, I will.”

Lena looked down and racked her mind for a solid excuse, but there wasn't one. So, she looked away and meekly admitted, “I don't really know why. I think you're just collateral damage. You and her… I know it wrong, but you're a package deal.”

Alex let out a sigh. She disappointedly scrunched her nose, but gave a nod of acceptance despite it. “Okay.”

It took a lot for her to look towards Alex again, but when she did, the girl looked completely resigned. The fight in her had left.

“Okay?” Lena echoed with confusion.

“Yeah,” Alex confirmed as if it was fine, but sounded devastated. “I mean, I don't like it, but I understand.”

Lena was pretty sure that only made her feel guiltier. If Alex had freaked out or tried to push her way in, Lena would've had a reason to be angry with her. But she hadn't, so right now, all Lena could do was feel horrible that cutting off Kara meant cutting off Alex.

“I'm sorry.”

“Me too,” Alex gave a small smile. She grabbed her bag and stood up off the bed, and Lena realized she truly was going to leave after getting the explanation she'd wanted. “I get it, though. I hope I talk to you soon.”

“Me too,” Lena repeated her. “I wish I didn't have to exile you too, it's just… somehow, everything about you reminds me of her. I'm really sorry.”

“It's okay,” Alex reassured her, but not without pain in her voice. And just when Lena thought she couldn't feel worse about pushing her away, Alex decide to add, “I am going to tell Sam to check in with you later, though. Even if you don't want me here, you need to have someone.”

And the amount of love it took for Alex to still care about Lena after she’d admitted to pushing her away for no reason was unfathomable. Lena knew Alex cared about her, but she didn't know it was to such a great extent. If roles were reversed, Lena probably would've stormed out with frustration, but here Alex was, with a tenderness in her eyes that didn't go unnoticed.

“Thank you,” Lena murmured. “Thank you so much.”

“It's okay to need your space from people. And if I have to be collateral, that's okay, too. It's hard, but it's okay,” she promised. She glanced to the door, then looked at Lena one last time. “I hope you come back, though.”

“I will,” Lena found herself promising, despite thinking she might not ever want them back in her lives a few minutes ago. “I'll check in with you soon. Okay?”

Alex gave a sad smile and small nod. “Sounds good. I hope you're okay.”

“I am,” Lena tried to set her mind at ease.

She saw Alex give one last attempt at a smile, then heard her find her out. She even re-locked the front door behind her.

When she was gone, Lena set the laptop aside and just sat there, fiddling with her hands. She didn't know how she was going to face Kara again, but she knew she felt really bad for cutting Alex out too.

It was just too much for her, though. The sad truth was, that right now seeing either of them was just too much, because things weren't the same as they were before. And Lena was still so paralyzingly scared that they never would be – or that she'd never want them to be.

Well, that wasn't true. She _wanted_ things to be like before already, but she still didn't know how to show her darkest parts to them again. Every time she tried, the memories of the pain from that year she'd spent all alone flooded her mind again. Her and Kara standing in the Eiffel Tower as Kara rejected her proposal played and played, over and over, every time she tried to open up. How much it hurt that first morning that she hadn't gotten a good morning kiss from Kara creeped back into her veins and wouldn't leave her alone.

How was she supposed to forget all of that?

She worried that maybe it all traumatized her permanently. Maybe things would never be the same.

She laid back down under her covers again and gave a sad sigh. They were no longer safe and warm. Even buried in those blankets, Lena’s heart felt too heavy to ignore.

She wanted them back so badly. And she was so scared she'd never have them. And if she didn't, it'd be her own damn fault. That was the hardest part to face.

* * *

It had been a week since she had called off at L-Corp. Kara had texted every day, usually multiple times a day, but Lena still couldn't find it in her to respond. Every text, ranging from _I'm sorry_ to _I miss you_ , she just wasn't ready to reply to. 

So, she dug herself into Sam and L-Corp. She had babysat Ruby on Tuesday while Sam went on another date with Alex, then she came over to experience Pizza Friday with the both of them, then she came again on Saturday just because.

She tried not to think about how she was just trying to replace an old chosen family with a new one, but at the end of the day, Lena was fully aware of what she was doing. Hell, she was pretty sure even Sam could see it.

But they both enjoyed her company. Lena felt like she belonged when she spent days with the two of them. Ruby adored her and Sam understood her. It was easy with them. There was no messy past life there, and there weren't feelings she had to pretend weren't there. Most importantly, she wasn't in love with either of them.

That was something she had to face over the past week. On day three of her space, she was forced to admit to herself that she really would probably always be a little bit in love with Kara Danvers. She hated it, but that's how it was. She could spend her whole life denying it, but it would still be how it was, even so.

On the seventh day, Sam finally pried. She was talking about her date Monday when she hesitantly asked, “Do you think you’re ever gonna talk to them again?”

Lena looked down at the question. They had been doing such a great job at pretending her connection with the Danvers never existed. It was a shame it only lasted that long.

“I will,” Lena answered definitively. “Just not yet.”

“But eventually?”

“Eventually,” she confirmed. “Give it a couple days. I will soon.”

* * *

A week later, she still hadn't. She was able to semi-focus on work again, though. She was able to go an entire half hour without thinking of Kara, actually. Granted, her mind had to be fully engaged in a distraction of some sort, but it was possible now. 

She was finishing up her daily lunch of a granola bar when Jess’ soft knock came through. When she came in, she looked behind her as if someone might be following, which quickly made Lena concerned.

“Is everything okay?”

“Yeah, we just need to talk,” she spoke quietly as she approached the desk. She didn't sit in one of the chairs, though, instead going over to stand right next to Lena. “I was told not to tell you, but Kara Danvers has called asking for Sam every day this week. And then today she came into the office, but it was for her too. I just thought you'd like to know.”

“I would,” Lena murmured with furrowed brows. “Do you know what they talk about?”

“I just know they don't want you to know they're in contact. They're in Sam’s office now, but I have no clue what it's regarding. She said to ask whoever calls if they'd like to leave a message, then Kara gave me hush money in the form of a Vanilla Latte.”

“She gave you a hush latte?” Lena repeated. “And Sam is spending company time talking to her and not answering calls?”

“Well, I didn't mean to get her in trouble, I just thought you should know since it's regarding… you know. _Her_.”

Lena took a deep breath to calm herself down enough to realize she wasn't mad at Sam. To be honest, she wasn't even mad at Kara. She was just mad that things between her and Kara couldn't be different. She didn't want it to be so complicated.

“Are they still in there?”

“She just got here,” Jess nodded. “I didn't mean to keep it from you.”

“I know,” Lena gave her a soft smile. “Thank you for telling me. I'm sorry they put you in the middle.”

“It's not a problem,” her assistant brushed it off. “As we know, I'm Team Lena. Always. Even a vanilla latte from my favorite coffee shop can't change that.”

Lena tried her best to laugh at the joke, but her mind was in a whirl. “I must be pretty important, huh?”

“I need to keep my status as your favorite employee. Sam’s arrival really heightened the competition.”

At that, she actually did laugh. “Thank you, Jess.”

“Of course. Do you want me to kick her out?”

“I actually have a report to give to Sam. I was going to just email it to her, but it sounds like a great time for a surprise visit,” Lena pursed her lips as she gathered up the papers she'd need. “I want to make it look like you didn't tell me. That way you can keep getting hush lattes and I can keep my intel.”

“Bless you,” Jess teased. “They're _such_ good lattes.”

“And you're such good intel,” Lena recited. She met her eye with graciousness. “Thank you.”

“Of course.”

“Now, go sit at your desk and pretend to act worried as I pass you to go to Sam’s office.”

“Yes, Ms. Luthor,” Jess repeated as she playfully bowed out of the conversation.

Lena watched her begin to walk out, and at the last minute called out, “Hey! Text me the address and your order at that coffee shop you love. I owe you.”

Jess threw a mischievous smile behind her with a, “That I can _definitely_ do. As always, it's a pleasure doing business with you.”

Lena just laughed, but when she was gone it quickly turned into a frown. The only reason Kara would show up at L-Corp would be to discuss her or Alex, and considering she could just _ask_ Alex for information about them, Lena had a feeling their conversations were about her.

But Kara shouldn't need to go to Sam about that, so Lena figured it was time to intervene. If Kara cared enough to contact Sam about her, maybe she deserved to not be totally cut off. Or maybe not. Either way, Lena knew they had to talk.

And after they did, she'd have a long talk with Sam about why she thought it was okay to give Kara any information regarding Lena herself.

But first, she decided to focus on Kara.

* * *

Five minutes later, she finally worked up the courage to face them. With the collection of annual reports in her hand, Lena walked down the hallway, softly tapping on Sam's closed door before opening it the slightest bit. 

“Oh,” she acted shocked to see the two of them, but only half of her stumbling was fake as her mind went blank upon seeing Kara. “Oh, I – uh – I didn't know you were here.”

“Lena!” Sam awkwardly stood up from her desk as if nothing was wrong and no secret meeting was in progress. “Hi!”

“Hey,” she murmured, unable to take her eyes off the girl who was fidgeting with her glasses, bashfully staring at the ground. “What's going on?”

“Oh!” Sam took a minute to think. “Well, Kara just stopped by to meet me. Alex said she's been wanting to, so I figured I would here, where Ruby's not around.”

“I see,” Lena nodded, looking between the two of them. “Well, I just came to bring you the annual reports from L-Corp, and was wondering if you could also look over the quarterly reports from CatCo? I trust you much more than the CFO over there.”

“Of course,” Sam rushed forward to take the papers from her. When she was there, she whispered a quick, “Sorry I didn't tell you.”

Lena silently shook her head with dismissal, but still couldn't help but stare at Kara, who looked like a toddler that was just caught stealing cookies. “It's fine.”

They all paused for a moment until finally Lena moved to make her exit. Maybe she shouldn't confront them after all. “Well, have fun.”

Sam grimaced at the awkward goodbye.

Lena was halfway through with shutting the door behind her when she changed her mind. “Kara,” she called out. Blue eyes peered at her directly for the first time since Lena entered the room with a mix of hope and shame. “Come see me after you're done here.”

Kara nervously swallowed, but timidly nodded her head. “Will do.”

“Thanks,” she tried to smile. “See you both later.”

“See you,” Sam waved from her desk.

Lena wanted Kara to say something more, but she wasn't going to wait around until she found words. She was obviously embarrassed to even be caught there.

As she walked by Jess, she tried to sound more confident than she was. She didn't want her nerves and longing to leak through. “When Kara's done with Sam I've asked her to come to my office. Just send her right in.”

“Will do,” she gave a reassuring smile. Lena kept walking, then heard Jess cautiously ask, “You're okay, right?”

“Of course,” Lena acted as if her mind wasn't a jumbled mess. “It's just Kara.”

Jess obviously had a lot to say, but she kept it in as she looked down with a curt and skeptical, “Right. _Just_ Kara.”

Lena laughed at the visible concern of her assistant and tried to sound more at ease this time. “It's fine, Jess. I promise.”

She met Lena’s eye, then nodded with no more belief in the claim than before. “Okay. Good.”

Lena agreed with a small smile, then proceeded into her office, but she knew that Jess was right in her disbelief. There was no such thing as it being _just_ Kara. It had never been _just_ Kara. It was always _Kara._

Kara, the girl who always brightened her day. Kara, the girl she'd go to bat for time and time again. Kara, her most important priority. And, Kara… the love of her life.

Lena took a deep breath to steady herself as she sat down at her desk again, straightening out papers and inevitably staring into space.

Kara. The love of her life.

Yeah.

That was Kara.

* * *

It was only fifteen minutes before there was a soft knock on her door and Kara walked in. Her head was bowed towards the ground and she still looked ashamed to be there, which only made Lena feel worse. She didn't mean for things to become so tense. 

“You wanted to see me?” she murmured from the doorway.

“Yeah,” Lena tried to sound gentle. “Come sit down.”

Kara took a deep breath, then finally glanced up to Lena, who was trying her best to keep the aching and craving out of her expression while still showing that her walls were back down. Putting space between them did nothing but hurt them both.

When Lena didn't say anything, Kara finally spoke up. “How mad at me are you?”

And that threw her for a loop, because out of all the emotions Lena felt, being angry at Kara wasn't one of them. She was longing for her. She was missing her. She was sad at what they'd become. But she couldn't find it in her to be angry.

“I'm not mad, Kara. I didn't call you in here to yell at you. It's nothing like that.”

“Oh,” Kara looked up with surprise and made eye contact for a moment, but just as soon went back to her nervous fidgeting. “Then, why did you call me in here?”

“Because.” Lena took a deep breath. “I miss you.”

Kara scrunched her eyebrows, looking up as if it were shocking and Lena hated that for her, maybe it was. “You do?”

“Of course I do,” Lena proclaimed. “I don't want you needing to go to Sam in order to know how I'm doing.”

“It wasn't about you, it was about–”

“We don't have to pretend you two were discussing something else. I know it was about me,” Lena declared. She didn't believe their meeting was about Sam’s relations with Alex for a second. Not a single second. “I want you to ask me how I'm doing directly.”

“I mean, I've tried, but you've kind of been ignoring me,” Kara mumbled, grimacing at the sad truth. “Which is okay!” She urgently added. “I understand you need time apart from me. I just… I don't like being cut off from you. I don't like it at all. So… I went to Sam, because it made me feel the slightest bit like I wasn't.”

“I'm sorry you had to do that,” Lena murmured. “ I shouldn't have ignored you. I guess that was on me.”

“You need space,” Kara produced a smile that was unquestionably forced. “It's okay.”

“Thanks,” Lena faked a smile of her own, ignoring how awkward things suddenly seemed to be.

Kara pursed her lips and looked back to the ground, then peered back to Lena with a hint of hope. “Do you still need space?”

And Lena just stared into the distance, then shrugged, murmuring a quiet, “To be honest, I don't know.”

“Oh,” Kara trailed off. “Well, I'm here. Only when you want me, I mean. I'm here when you want me.”

“I know. That's kind of the problem,” Lena gave a dry laugh. The problem wasn't being unsure if she wanted Kara. In fact, it was quite the opposite. “I always want you. It actually scares the shit out of me, how much I want you.” Kara’s eyes fixated on her, staring at Lena this time until the eye contact became unbearable and Lena tore her gaze away. “I want you in so many ways,” she resigned. “And the worst part is, I think I probably always will.”

Kara didn't seem to know what to do with that information, because she didn't even have a nervous ramble to reply with. She just sat quietly.

Lena eventually sighed, shaking her head as she further admitted, “Nothing scares me more than how much I still want you.”

And once again, Kara said nothing at first until she finally piped out, “I'm sorry for bringing up the thing I brought up before.”

“It's fine,” Lena promised what was suddenly the truth. It was like Kara being in front of her in that sad, scared state was all she needed to see that space wasn’t the solution. “Seriously. It's okay.”

“Okay,” Kara bit her lip and moved her hands to play with her ponytail as she continued her apology, softly explaining, “Sometimes I just forget how closed off you are.”

“Sometimes I forget how open you are,” Lena reciprocated. “I know you weren't trying to be intrusive.”

“I genuinely thought it'd be okay to bring up,” Kara urgently swore. “I wouldn't have ever mentioned it if I thought you weren't ready. We were just both so emotional and raw, and I thought… I don't know. It was dumb.”

“It wasn't dumb. It was just… Kryptonian mating is an intimidating subject for me,” Lena settled on an answer. “As I said, wanting you scares me. And I don't want to talk about it in depth, because I'm not ready for that, but I do still think you're the one for me. I don’t think there's any moving on after you, because no one can come close to touching the bar you set in the six years we dated. I’m absolutely certain that it was always supposed to be you in the end. I'm good at pushing it out of my mind and ignoring it, but I still know it to be true. It's impossible not to. Because no matter how hard I try – and I have tried quite hard – I can't find a way to stop loving you. I don't know how to not to when it's you.”

Kara looked down and pursed her lips, seeming not to know if she should smile or frown.

“And that scares me _so_ much,” Lena continued to confess before Kara could reply and she lost her gall. “If you want me to be even more honest, I don't want to want you the way I do. I don't want to want you like that at all.But I do – every single day, I still want to have you the way I used to. And what's worse is that I know you're the one person who's meant to be in my timeline forever – that we’ll always be intertwined, because I can't bear the thought of not having you in my life at all. So, maybe I'll always feel the way I feel for you. I don't know. I just know that it's really hard. And scary. All of it is. Because you… you terrify me, Kar. And it sucks, because if this was you, if roles were reversed and you were in my shoes, I know wholeheartedly you'd give me a second chance and try again for our happily ever after – you'd do it without thinking twice. But that's not possible for me. I'm just too scared of being burned again. Like before. And I'm really sorry for that. I'm sorry I can't be as brave as I want to – as brave as I know you'd be. You have no idea how much I wish I could.”

It was quiet for a long while, and both of them seemed to be too scared to even move. Everything in the air was still as Lena tried to figure out why she'd said all that. She didn't want Kara to know half of what had just been revealed, but in the moment, all of it was so desperate to be said. Still, she wished she could take it back now, because it felt like her heart was out in the open, waiting to get stomped on again.

Finally, in one large exhale, Kara breathed out, “I'll always love you, Lena. You know that.”

And Lena wanted to pretend that she was clueless of that fact, but she couldn't anymore. She didn't have it in her to keep denying that both of their feelings were real just because it made things easier for her. Reality was hard to face, but reality was that they still did love each other. While Lena might not be ready to act on it, she couldn't keep ignoring it either.

“I'll never force you to be with me, though!” Kara rushed out when Lena didn't reply. “And I’ll never want us to be anything more than friends unless you're sure about it. I know I did a horrible thing by running from you, and I know there might not be any moving past that, even if there are still feelings there.”

Lena closed her eyes and gave a long, deep sigh with a bittersweet smile. “I wish you never would've left. I hate that it’s so complicated between us.”

“Oh, trust me,” Kara nervously grimaced in return. “No one wishes that more than me.”

And while Lena wished it quite desperately, she also had to accept that, “Yeah. You’re probably right.”

Because the way Kara was handling this was unlike how she'd ever handled anything else. She never fixated on her wrongdoings, nor did she stay stuck on anything in life. She lived in the present, one-hundred percent of the time. She embraced finding the lesson in every mistake, then letting it go and moving on to better prepare for next time. She never beat herself up about anything for long, and she never had any regrets. As long as Lena had known her, that’s how Kara had been.

But after all the time that had passed, after all those months and months and months apart, there Kara was, still looking so distraught that a bystander would've thought their break up was yesterday. It was obvious that she’d never let that mistake go. Kara never reached the moving on stage when it came to breaking up with her, and Lena didn't know if she should be honored or saddened by that.

“I'm sorry,” Kara whispered.

Lena managed to pull out a grin, but it took everything in her. “We agreed you'd stop apologizing.”

“I know. But I needed to,” Kara shrugged. “You deserve so many apologies, Lena.”

“Maybe so,” she accepted, “but I don't need to hear them to know you'd give them.”

Kara stared at her as if she was trying to communicate something, but Lena couldn't decipher the message. Finally, she just outwardly proclaimed, “I don't want to lose you, Lena. I don’t.”

“I know,” she sighed. “I don't want to lose you either.”

Kara took a moment to look around the room, and Lena would bet money it was purely so she could take a break from their intense eye contact, but that was fine with her. She needed a break too. This conversation was a lot for them both.

When Kara's gaze came back around, she actually looked scared. “Are you leaving anyway, though?”

And Lena could’ve burst out into a hearty laugh at the thought of even being capable of walking away forever, but instead she just pursed her lips with a small shake of the head. The sad truth was, “I could never do that. It's you.”

Which was really the only explanation there was. It was Kara. And if it were anyone else in the entire world, if it were Veronica, or Jack, or any other ex she'd had who did what Kara did, Lena would leave in a heartbeat. Hell, she would’ve never reunited in the first place. But, in front of her was Kara, and the one thing she knew for certain was that she'd never permanently leave Kara if she had the chance to stay – even if it mean risking being hurt again.

“Just because it's me doesn't mean you have to stick around,” Kara announced sadly.

But that was so far from the truth.

“Maybe to you it doesn’t,” Lena couldn’t help but smile at the naivety. “To me, though… That’s exactly what it means. Because you aren't like anyone else who’s hurt me – you're not even like my mom or Lex, who were once family to me. You’re Kara. And because you’re Kara, because we had what we had, and because you _are_ so special to me, making the choice to leave would probably kill me. Even today.”

“Lena,” Kara scoffed in return. “I’m not that important. You can easily find someone else. You're _Lena_.”

“Yeah. And you're the only one who's ever fully known who that is,” she stated the sad truth. “No one else has ever known me in my entirety, because no one's ever made me want to let them. You're the only person in this entire universe that makes me want to be who I am – and to show who that is. Before you came around, I didn't know the first thing about letting my walls down, because I never had the desire to. But you made me want to learn how to let people in. You made me want to open up. You made me wonder what it'd be like to have a friend, then what it'd be like to have more than a friend, then what it'd be like to have a… never mind,” she cut herself off from bringing up memories they were both trying to forget. “My point is, I'd never wanted any of that stuff before you came along. I thought the idea of friends was fake and stupid. But you… Well, you made me I realize it's not. It's not fake, and it's not stupid. Its actually pretty powerful.”

Lena looked up to see Kara hanging on to her every word, so she figured she'd continue her point.

“In the letter you wrote to me when I was in the hospital,” she delicately brought up, “the one where you apologized, you said I didn't need anyone in life. That I was strong and independent, or whatever.”

“Yeah. You are,” Kara wore a fond a smile. “You're a force to be reckoned with. You can fend for yourself better than anyone I know.”

“You're right. I can fend for myself quite well. And I don't need anyone to survive. I could get through life without you,” Lena bluntly validated that claim. “But I need _someone_. Everyone needs _someone_ who's always got their back. And my first picks for _someones_ will always be you and Alex. You guys created my first home, and my first family, and it's still the only home and family I've ever known. Without you guys… the only people who fully know me and everything I've been through are you two. Especially you. I mean, Kara, you just _get_ me. You understand. So, yeah. I don't _need_ you guys in my life, fine. Sure. I'll agree with that. But if I need someone in my life who knows me and has my back, I'm always going to want it to be you. I'm not going to want to open up to anyone else the way I did with you – it just wouldn't be the same. After knowing you both, it'd only disappoint me, because you two are the people who gave me a reason to open up to begin with. And without you there – especially _you_ there – I can still be happy, I know that, but it'll never be as happy as I am when you’re beside me.” Lena took a deep breath, then finally finished her ramble with a profound, “It's always going to be you, Kara. I'd be a fool to think otherwise. But I’m not ready to act on it. And I might not ever be.”

“And that's beyond okay,” Kara rushed to assure her. “I'm honestly shocked you can even think it.”

“I know, me too,” Lena laughed a little. “But I do. And, to finally answer your question, I do remember the concept of Kryptonian mating, and I still know we’re mates too. Forever, I know we are.”

Kara crinkled her nose, scrunching her eyebrows together. “You still believe in Kryptonian mating?”

“I do. I believe in a lot of things from Krypton, actually.”

Kara looked down with a bashful smile at the unintentional innuendo, but quickly regained her composure. “I guess I figured you'd try to forget about Krypton at all costs.”

“Of course not. Because of you, Krypton is always going to be important to me – that's a given.”

After a moment of taking that in, Kara tucked a strand of stray hair behind her ear with a small smile and bite of the lip. “I really don't deserve to have you back in my life.”

“You do,” Lena argued. “Maybe you didn't for a little while, but right now you do.”

With a grimace, Kara murmured, “I don't know if that's quite true.”

“You don't have to. I can know enough for the both of us,” Lena offered. She stared at the blonde haired girl before her, just as mesmerized as she was on day one. “Meeting you changed my life, Kara.”

“Yeah,” Kara's breath hitched at the profound statement. “Mine too.”

“Yeah,” Lena sighed. Then, she tried to stop what they were doing – to stop the nostalgia and reminiscing and _feelings_. She decided not to get even more emotional than she already was, so she shut them down. “I – uh – should probably get back to work, though. I have a meeting in ten minutes that I need to prepare for.”

“Of course,” Kara smiled, but her voice sounded disappointed. “Will you really call this time?”

“I will.” Lena meant it.

Kara stared a second longer, then let out a long sigh of relief when she found whatever she was looking for in Lena’s demeanor. “Good. I'll be looking forward to that. I'll see you then.”

“Yeah,” Lena grinned, realizing her heart suddenly felt a thousand pounds lighter. “See you then, Kar.”

* * *

An hour after Kara left, Lena's phone vibrated on her desk with a text from Kara herself.

_Are we okay then?_

Lena smiled at the concern. She was still mortified by exactly how open she'd been during their conversation, but that conversation is what made her so sure that this was right. _They_ were right.

_We're okay. I'll call you after work if you're not too busy fighting crime._

She could almost hear Kara's smile through mere words on a screen. _I'll be looking forward to it all day. And I'll answer mid-fight if I have to. I'll never be too busy for you :)_

For the first time, Lena let herself smile at the fond words instead of panic at how a little more than friendly they were.

She had the feelings anyway, and they apparently weren't going to go away, so she might as well just accept them. She'd enjoy Kara's love while she still had it. And surprisingly, Lena was finally starting to trust that maybe she always would – so far, that love didn't seem to be going anywhere, after all.

Maybe her and Kara really could be _her and Kara_ again one day. Certainly not today, and probably not tomorrow, but Lena was beginning to realize that maybe someday, she'd be open to letting Kara in that much again. She hated to admit it, but her fears were subsiding day by day. Maybe it was only a matter of time.

* * *

At four p.m. there was another knock on the door to Lena’s office and she looked up to see a very timid looking Sam in the entryway. When they stared at each other, Sam's voice came out scared.

“Are you mad at me?”

Lena just laughed and shook her head at how fearful she was. “No. I know how persuasive she can be.”

Sam pursed her lips and still looked beyond guilty about it all. “I'm sorry. I shouldn't have gone behind your back like that.”

And if it was anyone other than Kara, Lena would probably be furious, but since it was _her_ , that ferocity was no where in sight. She was honestly happy Kara cared enough to reach out to Sam in the first place.

“What'd you two really talk about?” Lena hummed as she put away stray papers on her desk to better focus her attention on Sam. When she didn't get an answer, Lena prodded further. “Well?”

“I mean–” Sam took a deep breath, begrudgingly forcing out, “Truthfully, we talked about you. I'm sorry.”

“Oh? Me? Me, and not Alex? _Wow_ ,” Lena smirked at her own sarcasm, then rolled a hand through the air. “C’mon. I knew that. I want details.”

So, Sam sighed, plopping herself down into one of the chairs in front of Lena's desk and explaining the situation in full. “She was really worried. She wanted to know how you were, what you've been up to and how I thought she could get your forgiveness. She missed you a lot. And it wasn't supposed to get so in depth – she called a few times and it was super surface level – but then when she was here I felt so bad for her. I didn't plan to be a traitor, but when she asked how you were she had this look on her face that I couldn't bear to say ’no’ to–”

“The sad eyed look,” Lena gave a small laugh. “It's infamous. Ask Alex.”

“I bet it is! How could anyone go against it?” Sam was incredulous. “That thing’s a weapon, let me tell you.”

“Oh, you don't have to tell me!” Lena urgently agreed with the claim, a laugh coming out of her that was alarmingly genuine. “Try dating her for six years. How could I _not_ be whipped when she could pull that out at any time? Man, she could get anything she wanted. When she dealt that card I always folded.”

“Honestly, I can’t even blame you,” Sam played along, but her eyes became questioning. Her lips twitched as if they were going to ask a question, but no words came out.

“What?” Lena finally pried.

Sam looked away, then cautiously brought up how, “You’ve never talked about anything relating to your guys’ past before. You usually pretend your relationship with her never happened.”

“I talk about it all the time,” Lena tilted her head in confusion. “Hell, sometimes I feel like I must annoy you, so many of our conversations are about her.”

“They're about _her_ , yes,” Sam chose each word carefully, “but not about the good times before the break up. Just about the anxieties you have today.”

“Oh,” Lena nonchalantly shrugged it off. “Must've never came up.”

“Must've, huh?” Sam echoed.

Lena swallowed a lump in throat, both of them knowing damn well it never came up because Lena never let it. She never wanted to revisit the past. She was beginning to feel like she had to start, though. Revisiting the good times might be the key to getting over all this – the key to moving on to better days.

“What'd you talk to her about, anyway?” Sam asked as if it was casual as day.

Lena tried to follow her in that casual demeanor, but there was really no way to make her conversation with Kara out to be no big deal. “Not much. We just finished our discussion from the night I left.”

“Oh,” Sam nodded despite not knowing what caused Lena's need for space in the first place. There hadn't been a way to relay to Sam what their conversation was about without exposing Kara's secret, so Lena had just decided not to talk about it at all. “Well, did it help?”

“Yeah, we’re good,” she genuinely smiled, happiness flooding in from being able to say that.

“Good. Hopefully that'll be the end of this little depressive episode you've got going on then,” Sam turned the mood lighthearted again. “I was getting worried, so I hope so, at least.”

Lena's jaw dropped at the mention as she sputtered, “I was _not_ depressed! What are you talking about?”

“You called off work, and if you weren't here or with me and Ruby, you just laid in bed all day,” Sam described the past two weeks. “You were depressed.”

“That's not true at all. I was just a little broody. It wasn't like I wanted to die,” Lena rolled her eyes. “I was fine.”

“You are aware you don't need to be on the verge of killing yourself to be depressed, right?” Sam looked amused from her response. “People can be depressed without being suicidal.”

Lena mulled that concept over, then squinted her eyes. “I didn't _feel_ depressed, though. It wasn't as if I was in crisis, I just felt… grey. I don't know how to explain it other than the entire world felt grey, and I couldn't find it in me to care about anything.”

“But that's not your norm. You lost interest in every area of your life and literally sulked in bed during any spare moment you had. You _worked from home_ last Thursday, Lena,” Sam pointedly reminded her. “Do you know how worried Alex was when I told her you worked from home?”

“Well, I don't know why you told her,” Lena huffed. “It's not my fault you felt the need to relay my entire life to the two of them.”

“They were worried,” Sam gently defended herself. “Plus I knew you'd go back eventually, so I figured I might as well keep them in the loop until you did.”

Lena rose her eyebrows, quizzically crossing her arms against her chest. “How did you know that when I didn't even know that?”

“Because I know you. I've seen you,” Sam tenderly acknowledged as the mood became serious yet again at the mention of the Danvers. “You love them, Lena. The first thing I ever learned about you was how much you love them, in fact. From that very first day in the hospital, even as you tried to avoid Alex, it was so evident how deeply you care.”

Lena just gave a sad laugh, because, yeah. She really did. She cared for them more than she thought it was possible to care for anyone. And she couldn't shut that off.

“It doesn't take a therapist to realize the only reason you wanted space was because you're scared of their power over you,” Sam broke it to her, cautiously treading the unspoken territory of her past with the Danvers sisters. “You want to be untouchable, but they touch parts of you the rest of the world are unaware even exist – parts that even I don't know about. And that's okay! I understand why. But you have to admit to yourself that those two girls are always going to know you – they're always going to be a part of your core. And I think you're always going to want them to be. And I know you're scared of that, and I even get why you are, but you're always going to want them in your life, Lena. I haven't known you long, but in the short time that I have, I've seen enough to know that that's one thing that's just not going to change. You're always going to want them there, deep inside, as part of your core. It's obvious how much happier you are when they're around. So, if I were you, I'd stop fighting that. Just let yourself be happy for once.”

And Lena wanted to deny that whole speech. She wanted to scoff and act like ‘those two girls’ had absolutely no effect on her whatsoever, to try to convince Sam that she was just as happy without them, thank you very much. But at this point, saying all of that would be a waste of breath. An attempt to persuade someone into thinking she didn't love the Danvers with everything in her would be futile, because the truth was unimaginably transparent to anyone with eyes. Lena knew it was. She didn't like it, because she didn’t want anyone else to know how much she cared for them, but at this point, she knew her fondness was blatant.

“I never thought anyone would know me the way they do. Especially Kara,” Lena defeatedly sighed. “I never thought I'd find people like them.”

“They're your family,” Sam nodded in understanding. “Alex said the same. You're like a second sister to her. She'd fight for you no matter the circumstances.”

Lena smiled a little, her voice sounding pleasantly surprised. “She told you that?”

“And a slew of other things,” Sam shrugged it off. “They love the shit out of you, Lena. They really do.”

Lena just took a deep breath, knowing that continuing to run from that fact would be pointless. Still, she didn't quite know what to respond such a bold statement.

“And–” Sam cut herself off as if she was unsure if she should continue, then hesitantly treaded, “Can we talk about Kara for a minute?”

“Kara?” Lena echoed the name, feeling a nervousness herself. Sam was never one to initiate the topic of Kara Danvers. It was always Lena who ran to her for advice. “Yeah, of course we can.”

“I don't want to scare you more, or pressure you, or anything of the sort, but, man, that girl _loves_ you,” Sam proclaimed, and Lena knew rationally that her voice was soft and tender, but the words sounded so incredibly loud when she comprehended them. “It was my first time meeting her today, but _wow_. I know you probably don't want to hear it, and you know I'll always, always, always take your side, but she wouldn't leave you again, Lena. It's so clear she wouldn't. Every word I said about how you were doing, she clung on to so desperately you would've thought there was a test after. Then, she asked so many questions about your week and was genuinely worried over all of them. She asked if you'd been eating lunch, if you'd been going home enough, if you were okay mood-wise. She asked if I thought you were cutting her out of your life forever, and I'm pretty sure she was about to cry from the thought. I mean – I've never seen anyone so outwardly invested in someone. And I wanted to hate her so bad when you told me your history, and honestly, I doubted my advice when I told you to let her back in, but after meeting her fully, it’s impossible to ignore the kind of love she has for you. I've never seen that kind of longing from anyone.”

Lena just stared into space, then gave a baffled look of defeat. “What am I supposed to do with that information, Sam?”

“Whatever you want,” her friend told her as if it were such an easy decision. “I just thought it’s important that you know.”

Lena leaned back in her chair, then put her forefinger and thumb against the bridge of her nose, groaning out her words in a near whine. “I don't know what to do.”

“You don't have to know right now,” Sam proclaimed. “Trust me, she's not going anywhere. You can take your time figuring things out.”

Lena thought over her memories with the Danvers throughout the years and all she knew for certain was, “I can't lose them. I couldn't cut them out forever if I tried – and if we're being honest, I don't even want to try.”

Because she was finally facing the fact that she had let them both in a long time ago, and even when they left, she never revoked their access to those hidden parts of her. She'd never really wanted to either. Even at her darkest, lowest points, she had no intention of cutting Alex or Kara out if they chose to show up on her doorstep.

And she tried really hard to deny that she'd wanted that the past year, but that was reality. The entire year they were out of her life, all she wanted was for one of them to come back.

On her worst days – and she meant the really bad ones, the ones she considered ending it every waking moment – even against her best attempts not to, she’d always end up imagining Kara waltzing into her office with Big Belly Burger and a guilty apology. Lena would turn her away, then Kara would fight for her until she agreed to a lunch together. They'd sit on their white couch and things would be awkward, but they'd enjoy each other's company again. She used to crave Kara's company more than ever.

Or she'd sit there and picture herself going to Noonan’s with Alex and telling her all about what a shitty time she'd been going through. She pictured the two of them going back to Alex’s apartment where Lena would confess how much she'd been struggling and tell her about the overwhelming darkness that wouldn't leave her alone. In her daydreams, Alex would always wrap her arms around her, promising they were in it together.

And on _really_ bad days – the ones where she laid in bed after work and thought about if maybe she really should just end it then and there – she would always find herself imagining all three of them sitting in Kara's tiny apartment with an array of junk food while they laughed together. Their company would remind Lena of all the things she'd miss out on if she died. She knew she'd still feel sad, but she longed to be in that apartment filled with laughter, stuck in a simpler moment.

So, now, today, in _this_ simpler moment, she realized that denying that she longed for all of that to happen was idiotic. Because for an entire year, all she wanted was for them to come back to her, so why was she pushing them away now? She finally got what she wanted, so why was she fighting it? Just because it wasn't the way she pictured it happening, she still got exactly what she wanted. She still had them back now.

So, maybe it was time to enjoy that. She had to start learning how to accept that things might go haywire, but they also might not. She had to learn to manage her fears of everything going south again, because right now she had the opportunity to bask in the company she used to miss so much, yet she was too busy being scared to allow herself to enjoy it.

She looked back at Sam who was looking at her with sympathy and encouragement. Eventually, the girl who'd become her biggest confidant on all things Kara and Alex broke the sad reality that, “They want you too, Lena. You're the one running away from that this time.”

Lena took a sharp inhale to stable herself upon hearing that very blunt take on reality, then gave a resigned nod. Sam was right. She was the runner this time. And she couldn't keep doing that. She couldn't keep hurting all three of them. It was time to finally jump back in. Maybe not into the deep end, but it was time to at least move to shoulder level.

“Thank you,” Lena proclaimed after a few moments of silence.

Sam looked at her with a smile, giving a small nod of reassurance. “What are you gonna do?”

“I don't know,” she breathed out with intimidation from all the possibilities. “I know I'm at least going to stand still, though. No more running. I can't keep hiding from my feelings – even if they do scare me. You're right.”

“I think that's all they're really hoping for,” Sam confidently professed. “Standing still is good.”

 _Yeah_ , Lena though. _Standing still is terrifying, but standing still is good._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> check me out on tumblr! // shes-cured.tumblr.com
> 
> also I got a kofi if anyone's interested! but if not, that's cool, I wouldn't be either. I'm just giving it a shot :P

**Author's Note:**

> If you’re feeling suicidal, talk about it. Call 1-800-273-8255 for the suicide hotline in the US, text 741741 to speak to a crisis counselor over text messaging, or visit suicidepreventionlifeline.org/chat/ to chat online.
> 
> If you live outside the US, visit http://www.suicide.org/international-suicide-hotlines.html to find a hotline for your country.


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